Sunday, March 04, 2007
to God be the glory

that's what i remember every time i think about the st. marg's hall. and to be perfectly honest, i honestly don't deserve my relatively good grades. i mean, i didn't get to revise my gothic notes just before the a's, having misplaced them under my bed (and not to be found til the night after the paper, whereupon i nearly burst into tears in a fit of despair), i wrote an econs essay from a completely wrong angle, and hey i still have no idea what's going on in c math. i probably deserve my gp grade, bad time management having left my essay and aq incomplete, but it could have been worse without God's grace. so. i had better do something worthwhile with my life.

funny how i never really thought about the future til now. i just meant to do well enough to enter nus fass, finish my first degree, enter nie, serve my bond, and then follow my heart (if it ever told me anything). then i realised with a pang that if i had bothered to apply to a uk uni, i could've gotten in. doing lit in singapore doesn't sound like much fun. doing anything in singapore isn't. i want to be able to say and do things that i would never be allowed to do here. well, too late for that (God has His reasons right?), and i've decided not to defer a year since i can't bear to leave emma anyway, so i'll settle for fass. i've been encouraged to apply for some scholarships, so i probably will, if i can get off my lazy arse long enough to write an essay and send in my applications. i haven't used my brain properly in so long, i'm not sure i can write a convincing essay.

i mean, horror of horrors, i am actually beginning to sound a little like my students! at least, i understand their lingo a little better. my mother asked what on earth 'i lost my mother give me fifty cents' was, and i was the only person in the family who correctly guessed that it meant the speaker had lost the fifty cents his mother had given him. my father postulated that the speaker had lost his mother and wanted fifty cents. a few months ago i would have assumed the same. i fear for my essay (and hence scholarship chances). must get someone brainy to proof-read it.

have i mentioned that i have selected teaching as a career purely by elimination? i want to study lit, or at least something related to it. i don't want to do law or business or accounting or admin, or anything else for that matter, i just want to read lit. i don't want to go into journalism (too stressful) and i can't hold an office job (i'm too fidgety), so teaching is the only option for me. even though i'm one hell of a lousy teacher. my students dislike me, i know they do. i would too. half the time i'm disgusted by the restrictions i impose on them. but hey, self-preservation, i'm just trying to save my own arse. people who don't know any better think that there are no politics involved in teaching. i've always known better, thanks to my mother and sister, so i'm hardly disillusioned. i'm just not exactly inspired. then again, i'm very much a half-empty-glass person, so that's unsurprising.

on another note, emma either thinks she's human, or thinks i'm canine. she does everything i do, from sitting at my spot on the sofa (i have been told i sound vaguely territorial over this), to stealing my food (again, territorial), to throwing her toys at my head (mainly because i throw toys at her to catch), to employing all the various tricks i use when playing with or training her. when i'm napping on the sofa, she licks my face. when i turn my back to her, she prods me awake with a toy (or, again, flings it at me), so that i wake up with her big grinning face in mine. if i throw her toy for her a few times before going back to my nap, she thinks that i'm bored with the toy, and presents me with another, because that's what we do with her. she's either incredibly intelligent, or an incredibly good parrot.

she's finally learnt 'down'. it's very useful for making her submit to you (i know i'm a control freak, but that is hardly the issue at hand). my mother says she's manja (some malay word that means she likes attention and being petted), but she doesn't like being hugged. i'm currently brainwashing her by making her sit next to me and repeat after me 'you are my best buddy'. naturally she can't speak, but i love the best buddy pose very much. am clearly losing all my marbles due to the loss of the physical presence of my real human friends. there is a subtle difference between a buddy and a friend, and i'm afraid emma can only be my best buddy for all time. aforementioned best buddy is currently rolling about on the floor by chewing on her hard rubber toy like it's a rouge mouse.

she can also jump rather high up, upwards. she hardly jumps over things (there is nothing in the house to jump over, but i know she secretly practises over the coffee table), she simply catapults upwards like her hindlegs are made of springs. it's pretty impressive. she can jump as high as my head from a standing position. the downside to it is that she's learnt how to jump on people. and thirteen kg of muscle jumping on you is not comfortable. we're still trying to get her to stop jumping on us. she's getting rather big, for which i'm glad. i was never one for small dogs.

i'm still not sure about what's in store for me, but i'm pretty sure that God is watching over me. there is no other way to explain reasonably good results from a girl like me. we'll see how it goes.. God will make a way.
9:26 PM ; 2 comments

Thursday, December 28, 2006


ban pha taek was good. few people, friendly and gentle villagers (they didn't make half the amount of noise rp made, damn rp), roaming village dogs and cats that either allow themselves to be petted or ignore you, a LOVELY river that we bathed in, and freedom.

now i suppose you can understand my enthusiasm for the river - i like the idea that you can't step into the same river twice - and we bathed in it one cold afternoon, climbing up the rocks of a small rapid and giggling while we ate biscuits sitting on the riverbed (yes we ate almost continuously, the altitude and temperature combining to release dangerous appetites within us), even after discovering that tiny leeches had clung to us while we were displaying our tribal/native skills. i love the river.

on the last afternoon we went forrest food gathering with the villager who takes care of the village centre (the village is so old, the hilltribe centre is based there) and a guy slightly younger than us. it took us two hours. we trekked a very long way away from the centre into some hilly areas that look impressive but impermeable from afar, but apparently hide edible baby ferns. and we had to cross the river many times, sloshing across the cold water, getting cut by the stones stuck in our sandals because it was too muddy and dangerous to walk without shoes in that part, and sinking occasionally into the soft sand (complete with shrieks on my part, because i am an unfortunately shrieky person). i would be a complete failure at living in the jungle for a week at least, until i figure out how to distinguish green plants from green plants.

i annoyed everyone on the trip (five other girls) by being my usual self, ie more interested in the animals than the humans. i named all the dogs i liked, and kept checking all the animals' genders (bad habit, but i need to know whether to refer to them as he or she) and almost didn't want to take out meowy (a very cute cat with lovely fur) who kept coming into our house. oh, and we stayed in the ex-headman's office, because he had it spare. it had tiles on the floor - the only tiles we saw in the village. needless to say, we would have preferred staying in one of the wooden stilt houses, especially when we woke up in the below-ten-degrees-mornings. but it was rather nice to have a place to ourselves since we didn't speak much thai (mine's limited to enquiring after toilets and people's names and ages) and no karen at all.

we went to the upper primary school a couple of days to carry out a project, and played with some girls who taught us thai songs and games. at the risk of sounding sentimental, or heaven forbid, human, i wish we'd been able to spend more time with them. oh and on our last night, the ex-headman's son flirted outrageously with one of the girls on the trip. the only one who actually spoke conversational thai. we thought it was hilarious. he asked her to leave her heart behind in the village. i guessed it by his hand gestures (yay i rock at reading body language. no wait i don't) and laughed myself into fits. su min had told the rest previously about my past ambition to be an indian chief (INDIAN chief, not village chief, su min!) and how i'd have to marry the chief and kill him to get there, and the rest tried to matchmake me with the guy whom we all thought was the ex-headman's son, but is really his friend. i resisted all attempts (because i am, as you know very well, un-interested in any human) until the real son started up his flirtation with the j1 girl and thankfully diverted their attention. in case you're wondering who the new headman is, he belongs to another village; four villages share one headman, so the ex-headman is still rather powerful. he's probably the richest man around anyway - he's got a tv (a small one), a computer in his office, and a fridge. very impressive for that village.

and here's the bit i liked most about the village. i felt so much more at home than i've ever felt anywhere else, especially in singapore. i'm not talking about the people (yes they are nice, but people are just people, you know?) - i mean the way there're soil and grass and trees but no paved roads, no throngs of people, nothing to remind you of yourself. i like the way the only mirror was in the centre's toilet (yes there were toilets, at least there were ceramic bowls that led to tunnels deep within the ground, with no flushes, and we bathed with dippers and pails, and i loved it because the icy water left my skin tingling) and i didn't even realise i'd broken out til su min mentioned it, and i never had to care that i didn't comb my hair (i don't usually comb it, but glancing into mirrors at home reminds me that i should) or anything else that we are required to care about in 'civilisation', as we came to call it. it's just so easy to forget about how you look, and focus on what's around you - the feel of the river pulling at your legs, or amber (the mother dog) teaching poopy (her kid) to forage for food, or, come to think of it, amber and her mate running through the greenery ahead of us in some extended game of foreplay (i'm sorry, there's no other way to put it, considering what we went on to stumble across), and the way they looked so free and unrestrained and carelessly happy, and now i'm staring down at emma who's asleep at my feet (she's so independent these days that half the time i have to go to her) and i'm just a little bit sad that she'll never have a mate like that. sorry emma, but population control, you know?

i know i sound crazy, and i resent that i have to justify my craziness, but i went on that trip partly to find out if my dream to run off and be a village teacher was misguided. and i'm starting to suspect that it isn't. in chiangmai i prayed for a sign. but being me, i need more signs than just this. so i'll wait. if i can't stand teaching in a typical singaporean neighbourhood school (like what i'll be doing, oh, next week? yikes!), i'll leave after uni and nie and serving my nie bond. i don't think i'm the city sort of girl. clothes and makeup are only fun if you have somewhere to wear them to, and most places entail meeting people you'd really rather not meet. my mother loves to remind me that when i was a kid, we'd drive past this area with lots of green open spaces every sunday on the way to church, and i'd never fail to tell my family about my ambition to be a pig farmer far far away. well, i don't like pigs now, but i still want to be far far away, surrounded by greenery and falling leaves and a river if possible.

it probably seems morally wrong for a person like me to be a teacher, given my dislike for and distrust of mankind in general, but i also know that it is my moral duty to serve mankind, and in truth i'm really very theorectical about it. i know the benefits of education, and even if i can't stand the people to whom i am tasked with handing over the beacon of light, i'll do it, because God called me to it. does that make sense? it is my unfortunate calling. unfortunate for me, anyway. my mother says God has a sense of humour. i don't have to like people, or even think much of them. i just have to do what has to be done. emma is wriggling her toes in her sleep and waving her paws about, it's all very cute. she's so cute, but so cold, it hurts a little. i guess dingoes really are independent dogs when they grow up. she could live without me.
10:11 AM ; 0 comments

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


i realise i've been ignoring this blog. oh well. been rather busy with emma. she's the sweetest little (okay not so little) dog in the world. about 7 months old by now, a brown cross-breed (that's what the spca calls mongrels but personally i think mongrels have a nice streetwise aura) with skinny legs (they're getting scarily muscular though) and a chubby chubby furry throat =D i don't know why her throat is so chubby and furry. i pull at it all the time and call her my chubby little frisbee =D she's really tolerant though - she usually puts up with my manhandling her with a long-suffering look. she doesn't even snap at me when i flick her ears or poke her toes or generally irritate her. but when she goes into mad-dog mode (usually when she's having too much fun and forgets herself, or when it's about to rain) it gets a bit scary because she has really strong jaws and really big teeth and i have the bruises to prove it. it's quite horrifying the way her play biting leaves huge blue-blacks, and she's ruined a couple of bones and her doggie bed already.

here's the bit that i love - she hates guys. really. we think she was abused by a guy when she was a puppy because she's very pain insensitive (the choke collar has no effect on her, and she merely looked offended when my sister accidentally kicked her face) and seems to fear/dislike guys. she's getting over her fear though. she used to duck behind me when guys walked purposefully towards us on our walks, which was really embarrassing, but now she just sniffs obligatorily, unless a whole horde of noisy smelly army guys rush past. she still dislikes them though. intensely. my sister's friend saw her home the other night, and she rushed towards him, stuck her head through the grilles on the gate and barked menacingly while the poor fellow stood harmlessly against the corridor, smiling awkwardly and pretending that emma wasn't being hostile. in the end my sister had to tell him to go. i told her she's never going to get a date now, but that doesn't seem to bother her. we really are a family of independent women, aren't we? =D

she's fine with girls though. she loved vank, she really did. i was scared she might bark at her, but she rushed at me and did her whole licky thing when i came home, and then greeted vank the same way. and then proceeded to run towards her when she whistled. which hardly seemed fair because she doesn't always come when i call. but then the novelty of being whistled at wore off and she reverted back to having selective hearing. and now she keeps peering behind the toilet door and under the sink, like she's looking for vank, or something. my mother is convinced that she misses her. i hope she looks for me under the sofa while i'm in chiangmai. and vank is such a good influence, emma peed on the newspapers twice today even when she was off the leash, and i was so pleased that emma got ver excited and rushed at my feet and now i have scratches. but i'm still pleased.

and she's so cute - she recognises songs, i think. one afternoon i played forrest gump on the piano, and later that night when it played on the radio, her ears perked up and her eyes lit up for a bit before she settled back in. okay i'm babbling like one of those over-proud new mothers, but i'm convinced my baby is smart enough to recognise music. and when i play the piano she lies on my left foot or leans against my right foot and dozes off. and she likes to lean against my leg when i'm sitting on the couch, or lie with her head in my lap while i'm sitting on the floor. she's so cuddly i love her =D

but she isn't fully toilet trained (i always have one eye on her when she's off her leash, which means i haven't concentrated on a book or movie in weeks) and she tends to bark non-stop at intruders (all guys except my father are intruders, female visitors are company) and then she sleeps all afternoon after keeping us awake at night with her barking at random loud noises, and we're positive the neighbours are going to sue us if she doesn't learn to keep quiet soon.

and i'm going to miss her like crazy when i go to chiangmai (but there'll be stars in the sky!) and i hope i come back in one piece, alive, because i want to watch her grow up and have her sit beside me for the next twelve or so years, and i'm probably jinxing myself writing this, and i can't seem to stop blabbering, but oh well. i love her, i really do.

page doesn't know she exists. i keep them very far apart. my mother put page in the bathroom because her running on the wheel distracted emma at night, but my sister took her out again so now she's out on the landing. still running on the wheel all night, that nocturnal rodent. she's completely docile compared to emma, at least when it comes to bathtime. all my pets seem to dislike males though - page bit my father. then again he likes to tease animals so he's really just asking for it. and i swear i didn't teach them to be man-haters. i think it comes naturally to all rational females. and some exceptionally bright males. there are now six females and one male in the house. i am going to snigger wildly if my sister ever deigns to get a boyfriend. he had better own a set of armor.
9:19 PM ; 0 comments

Thursday, November 30, 2006


okay, just a quick update - i've got a job for next year til june. never really thought i'd be the sort to need stable employment (and income) since i never thought of myself as a structured person, but the past week has shown that stressing over where my next paycheque's coming from can induce severe insomnia and lead to obsessing over finding employment. anyway, i found a job so everyone can stop avoiding neurotic me now. except i doubt i'll be seeing people much, what with the dog and a job that takes me 1 1/2 hours to travel each way. it's a teaching job, but that's as much as i'll say. prod me for more details when you next see me.

anyway, about the dog. we went down to the spca, fell in love with this sweet little mongrel, and if my sister likes her, we'll bring her home tomorrow. which gives me two weeks to toilet train her and get her settled in before i leave for chiangmai. she's rather shy, and very unaggressive (which is why my mother likes her) so i just hope the neighbours' dogs will be nice to her. otherwise i'll kick them and start a dog/human fight. i foresee next year being very busy and tiring, what with spending so much time on the bus, teaching, preparing lessons (eh i got assigned k2 for sunday school next year), marking, walking and bathing my dog, training it and all. then again with so many people gone, it's probably better that my days are filled to the brim. people like me should never have time to sit and think. we get pretty self-destructive.

downside to all this - i'm allergic to fur, so i have to get some medication soon, and now i have to go clothes-shopping because i have nothing suitable for working. most of my better (ie not crummy or polo tees) shirts only match jeans, and i only have two wearable skirts. and i just broke a heel. i hate clothes shopping. i'd rather choose stuff for people to wear. trying on clothes is so depressing. maybe i'll just get five outfits, then everyone can tell the day by what i'm wearing.
10:58 PM ; 0 comments

Saturday, November 18, 2006


as a prelude to the incoherence that will probably begin forthwith, i should explain that i fell asleep after reading my gothic notes, had awful, awful and vivid dreams pertaining to gothic themes and conventions (i could go into that but my mother told me not to be so macabre and ghastly and so effectively downplayed the importance of my dreams =( people should be allowed to discuss their dreams, instead of having them surpressed!), then woke up with an awful headache (it felt like what people who get hung-over tell me hang-overs feel like, but i swear i haven't had any alcohol in months) and then realised that i'm having a crisis because i don't know if souls are gender specific.

as in, would we still be the same people with the same souls, if we were guys? i'm trying to imagine and it's giving me a huge headache, not to mention a crisis of self. why do we talk about characters as if they do not belong to bodies (minus fictional characters who are inextricably connected to their bodies for the sheer reason of creation)? if it is the character alone that we are concerned with, why is the gender important? or the physical body. except in literature, because of the writer's impression, creation, the need for the physical to mirror the abstract, etc etc. but in real life. does it matter? would it matter? as a christian of course i believe that our souls belong to our specific body since it's all be pre-destined (God tells jeremiah the prophet that he knew him even in his mother's womb etc etc and we always assume that applies to us. i think it does. i shall check. but later.) but theorectically speaking, does the chosen gender have any impact on whom we eventually become?

(and i just watched anna and the king - louis becomes draco malfoy in later years! well, the actor grows up and plays him anyway. it's so adorable, you can just see draco's smirk waiting in his chubby face)
7:02 PM ; 0 comments

Sunday, November 12, 2006


today's an antsy (not angsty, mind you!) day. one of those days where you just itch to go out, be out, do something wild and not give a damn about the consequences. a day where you play the piano too fast and too loud because your fingers are moving faster than your mind. i know i should study for econs - i've got 2 more days, and i've barely studied since the a's started (and not much before that because naturally i give myself more credit than i deserve regarding future discipline) - but somehow i just can't do it.

people give me funny looks when i say i want to go to nus, arts. well, i wouldn't say i want to, but that's my only option? yeah, everyone there's going to be all 'cooler-than-thou', but honestly i'd have to have terrible self-esteem to take them seriously. it's supposedly a dumping ground and all that, but where else am i to go? if i can't even get into fass, then - well. i'll go sell ice cream somewhere.

i dreamt of potato chips last night. 12 jumbo packets, all different flavours, in a huge pack. gourmet, too. but between results and chips, i'd rather dream of chips. i don't even want to dream of people anymore. it's too heartwrenching to wake up and re-realise that half my friends are overseas.
2:42 PM ; 11 comments

Saturday, November 04, 2006


lots of dogs on sale nowadays. i read the classified ads everyday just to see what's out there. my sister and mother want a beagle. i don't know what's with them and small dogs. i'm quite sure my father will side with me for a bigger one. saw a notice outside the pet shop downstairs.. a female lab cross, over a year old. described rather well by the previous owner. 2/3 the size of a normal labrador. but i'm afraid that it'll always be thinking of its previous owner. (yes i have issues, but i'll sort them out when i have to) besides, it's so pretty and sweet, i'm sure someone else will take her before my a's are over and i can officially go dog-hunting.

the day after my a's end, bev leaves. wonderful. she's the reason i don't want to reach the 24th. i don't quite care about the papers themselves. i mean, what will be will be. it's not like i have some big goal in life, it's not like i'm even smart. i've got this theory that people only care about their grades when they know they can do well. my sister studied for a's because she's a perfectionist. and she knew she could ace it. i'll leave the doing well to those with the smarts; i'll just focus on not killing myself.

i don't know what's wrong with me, but i haven't seen everyone in so long, i'm scared i'll start bawling when i see them. what are we gonna do all night? it's been so long.. we should never have to split. we were supposed to grow old together, right? siti's football team of children, christmases and chinese new years and june holidays together barbequeing. pushing each other into the pool. rubbing each others' arthritic backs. making fondue. kicking guys around. now look where we are. no wonder people hate growing up. sixteen was good. and yes, damnit, it was sweet.
10:25 PM ; 3 comments