Wednesday, November 30, 2005
yet another lengthy offering of confused ramblings

i wonder exactly what it says about your family if your parents email you regarding family dinners and your sister messages you on msn to print things for her. of course i see my father sometimes; when he drives me to school in the morning, and in church on sundays. and my sister and i hang out in each others' rooms quite a bit, sharing food and reading. one day i'm going to get a small house with a big garden and a big waggy-tailed dog.

met up with nanz, serene and sam today. at east coast park. this is significant because i stay somewhat central / west of singapore. and i spent approximately 2 hours traveling. by the end of it, i was rather nauseous. i suppose that was my fault for reading on the bus, but the book was really quite intriguing [the gardnes of kyoto]. we went cycling on double seater bikes. they claim i ride too fast, and it's frightening to ride with me. i protest that speed is relative, and i've never fallen off a bike. incidentally we had close calls, but isn't that what makes life interesting? i wouldn't say no to a ride on a motorbike. three years ago, i promised serene that when she gets her license, i'll ride behind her as a show of support, and she'll drive us off the bridge and straight into a lamp post [sisters forever; laugh together, cry together, die together]. well apparently now she thinks that if there's any dying to be done, i'll be the one causing it. how come i didn't hear any complaints two years ago about the speed at which i cycle? but i guess it only bothers the poor souls when they're trapped, literally, behind me. serene and sam sustained minor injuries [sam don't yell at me, you didn't break any bones]. which i did not cause directly. tadahh.

the gardens of kyoto is interesting. half the time i wonder if the narrator is making up the story, or relating her history. then i realise how stupid it is, when the whole book is fiction anyway. so what does it matter, if it's fiction, or fiction in a fiction, or fiction in a fiction in a fiction? ah hah. metafiction. lit classes come in handy sometimes. the hero [in my opinion] veers towards the jonathon variety; delicate, very intelligent and perceptive, all words and ideas and a slowly simmering passion. oh, and beautiful too. the narrator has a great deal of hindsight but very little foresight. i dislike henry mildly. and daphne, well she's the sterotypical smart wildchild. i actually like this book. i've only read it once so far; tomorrow i'll read it again and try to put the pieces together. the author is rather clever; she writes the book in the style of the gardens; 'it is not the materials in isolation that form a garden, but the fragments in relation...' the narrator throws out her stories in bit and pieces, and you have to try to put the pieces of the jigsaw together, try to imagine things as they are, read between the lines and cut away the excess bits. i sound like i'm doing a book review. maybe i should use this instead of white oleander. hmm. but that was pretty thought provoking too. hmmmm. okay nevermind, just take this as my recommendation. chris, i'll be renewing this book and taking it with me to perth, where we can lie on the grass and thrash out all its little issues and themes. i thought it was some jap thing. well i only read the blurb when i took it off the shelf, har har. there's only a bit of jap, like in the references to the gardens. other than that, it's pretty much america in 1945. damn. i am going to stop sounding like a bloody promoter of this book.

interestingly, i just recieved an email from my father regarding my perth trip. in addition to other more normal instructions [call daddy when you reach christine's house, etc etc, pack vit c.. do they know i don't eat vit c over here? hmm], i've been told not to swim in the sea [i never go out further than my chin, does that count?], not to engage in dangerous activities [as if i usually stick my head in an alligator's mouth], not to take any alcoholic drinks [do they know i don't drink?], and not to party or stay over at someone else's house [i hate partying, it's noisy and i hate crowds]. it's actually quite amusing. but they'll never be able to forbid me to get on the back of someone's motorbike, because my father used to ride a scooter. hahahaha.

i wonder whom the next pizza treat will come from. we've all made speculations. the person in question has no idea whatsoever. we think. i really want it all to work out, it's such a stupid, crazy waste. it's frustrating to be close enough to touch the sky, yet remain unsure of your own ability to reach that far. but somehow i know that if i were her, i would never have had the guts to open my cement-filled mouth. so just to let you know [you know who you are], i really admire you. i really really do. maybe it's because you've waited long enough. maybe it's because you know it's right. i really hope it's right. that you're right. that we all are. because this person actually has my stamp of approval. and you know how generous i am with my stamps of approval. hehh.

i've decided not to watch harry potter. sam said that draco only appears twice. that's not enough for me to fork out an unbelievable amount of money. there's something about blondes with slight attitude problems huh. but only in reel life. give me one in real life and i'll be tempted to rearrange his pretty face.
9:10 PM ; 0 comments

Tuesday, November 29, 2005
and so, here we are again

for the benefit of people who keep forgetting my passwords, and have no interest in witnessing my angst anyway, i have decided to have a whole new password-free, public blog. this means i can be persecuted for anything and everything by enraged accidental readers, bless their little booties.

this morning, i was lying curled up in my bed, reading 'maid marian', when someone knocked on my door and jean's face poked in. it was shortly followed by joan's. needless to say, i hadn't been expecting them, but fortunately my underwear was safely off the floor and in my drawer. chris, you aren't the only one to charm the security guard. i ought to try that some day. anyway, after recovering from my mild heart attack, i put two and two together, albiet very slowly, and came to the [correct] conclusion regarding joan's very enigmatic msg this morning. apparently jean knew i wouldn't think twice about telling craftly ol' joan what buses go where. things get pretty dangerous when your best friend gangs up with another friend [with the mental ability of a seventeen-year-old girl and the mental age of a seven-year-old boy] to hijack your bedroom for the morning. so. i lent them my shirts, and we went down to town to get our hair cut. that is, joan and i. the male hairdresser who did my hair was rather gay, no offence to gays out there / gay-right-activists / anti-homophobics / etc, etc [see this is why i don't like blogs that random people can stumble upon?]. but honestly, which straight, non-metrosexual guy would cut hair with a flourish?? he flicked my hair all over the place, and i left with tiny hair bits on my face. joan's haircut was nice anyway. no, it was not too guy. as if her haircuts are ever girly anyway. she did her job as my fake bung really well years ago, i haven't heard from the person since, although some people don't seem to have forgotten that particular episode. honestly though, she was pretty darned hot in that sexy top we made her try on the other day. we should start Mission: Girlify Joan very soon. it will be amusing, if nothing else.

read two books today; maid marian and kicks. midway through maid marian, robin hood entered the scene. and yours truly was swept off her feet. he was smug, cocky, and brimming with confidence. not to mention dashingly handsome. a little too cock-sure, but who could blame him? fiery tempered, too. but with a hidden vulnerable side. hmm. then in 'kicks' [by janet fitch, author of white oleander], i discovered the breed of jonathons. mild mannered, quietly witty, intelligent, and well, mature. not to say that robin hood wasn't. but if you read harry potter fanfics the way i do, [of course i don't read the real books, do i look like i enjoy reading dictionary-sized volumes that aren't half as intelligent as the lord of the rings? oops so shoot me, rowling fans.] you would know what i mean when i say it's draco versus remus. i realise i have way too many ideals, and conflicting ones at that. maybe i should start eliminating the sterotypes i really dislike instead. such as the ah beng, the mr cool, the attention-seeker.. gosh the list goes on. i really shouldn't bother pursuing the matter should i? anyway the robin hood / jonathon dilema stumped chris too. HAHA. i shall begin the next novel tomorrow. some japanese historical romance fiction. sounds exciting huh. chris can keep her ears peeled for the next mr right.

all right i know some people really want to know about the whole, well, issue, so here's my press statement. no, not that issue. argh speaking in riddles is getting confusing. anyway, i've decided, life's for the living. i don't see the point in selling myself short just because someone, whose opinion doesn't even matter in the least to me, happens to be in the way. so i'm done with apologies. i'm done with being the submissive asian girl. i'm pretty sure of what i want. maybe before this my record mattered. only now, i realise.. it was tainted long before i had anything to do with it. directly, anyway. so hell, it can't get worse, i'm going to do something that's right by me for once. so what if it's social suicide? so what if maybe i'll find out in the future that all i've really done is cut down the top half of the ladder i want to climb? cos life's too short, and if heaven means not knowing your name, the names of my friends, people who matter.. then life's more than just about this. did that even make sense? nevermind. bottom line is, life's not over. we all make mistakes. if this is a mistake, i'm going to make it anyway. i'm just going to trust that you'll be right by me, like you always said you'd be. will you? because before december is over, i'm going to make things clear. this has been weighing on me too long. is this too cryptic? i avoided this topic last week, because it makes me mad to think about it. but i know you've been wondering.. so.. here it is.

by the way. i'm rethinking psychology. i really am back to where i was, a year ago. if you take a transparency, scribble all over it, and place it over the same spot on the map, anyway. i write really long posts, hooray. this is an attempt to scare off potential readers. i realise i now officially have about 5 layers. hurrah. i think ally knows what i mean. hmm.


9:57 PM ; 5 comments