Saturday, December 31, 2005
so this is how it ends. the night, the month, the year.
it only struck me this evening that it's already new year's eve. i'm not looking forward to the new year, but i do not regret moving away from this one. i won't bother with resolutions this time - i never keep to them. what is a resolution, anyway? just something you know you should do, but will never do? my resolutions tend to read like a to-do list from my conscience. if i must resolve to do something, then i resolve to have the willpower, the determination and the wisdom to do what's right. no more and no less.
soon this year will be ending. if i were to be melodramatic about it (am i ever not?), i would say that it has been a pretty.. exciting year. reluctantly admitted into a school where i knew two people, none of whom were in my class or even faculty.. a school with an entirely different culture (and language), whose very building sickened me. i hated it with a passion for months. the only reason i went regularly was because i'm a 'good girl' - and i was willfully fascinated by someone's hair. if i remember anything at all about the first seven or eight months, it is that i was miserable. i cried almost every night, and relied on weekly meetings with old friends to get by. it's easy to fall back into that dark, dreamlike state. someone asked, 'when was the last time you were really happy?' and i couldn't answer. december? had it been that long? i will never know. some of us are creatures of habit. but the only thing that doesn't change, is change itself. i've always known that. but what is knowledge, if you cannot act on it, if it stays in your brain and doesn't transcend to your mind? vank, i've been thinking.. maybe that's how it happened. maybe that's when it happened. it must have been during those dark months, when i stopped caring about everything and moved even further inward, that i lost my fire. and now that i think about it, this must be me. fireless, passionless, empty. maybe the new year will fill me again. i don't know. we aren't meant to know, aren't meant to see or realise anything until we look back, because everything is so much clearer on retrospect. but i know i could never have embraced it anyway. the months leading to september were inevitable. regret is pointless, anyway.
i remained in the cca i was in for four years, because i couldn't bear the thought of joining a new one in a new school. i hate meeting new people. social events make me nauseous. literally. so remaining was an easy way out. of course now i know it was a mistake, and that cowards will always pay the full price in blood. i plan to join the interact club next year. for no specific reason except that it's a huge cca where i can blend neatly into the background, and i rather like community service.
many other, smaller, things happened. funny, but i have to rack my brains now to think of them. the little things that kept me up at night, that we agonised over. isn't it funny, how we agonised then, but laugh now? thank God for that. so, hearts are broken every day. but that is nothing new. heartbreak songs are sung by the dozen. in fact, many poets credit their best poems to heartbreaks. at the moment, it is like a white-hot rod plunged into your chest, that burns and leaves a mark that never fades. but even rods cool, and even flesh heals. of course the person in question will want to viciously kick those who say 'time heals all wounds', but it is a rare wound, and often a bitter one, that does not heal, given years and proper care. funny, but the only thing that seems to hurt more than breaking up, is having no one to break up with.
and decisions, of course, have to be made. whether or not to drop a subject that you aren't failing. whether or not to quit a cca, when it's between what you know is right, and what others expect of you. whether or not to quit a job, because you're asked to do something you aren't comfortable with. whether or not to tell the truth, because it stings like hell.
we've all changed. twelve months is forever, and a fragment of a dot on a timeline, all at the same time. we've grown, because we must. if even constant friction can cause the erosion of great rocks, we have no right to think that we as mere humans can escape growing up, growing into new selves, growing apart. it is a fact of life. frankly, i hate most facts of life. but maybe we should focus less on how we've changed, and more on how we haven't. how we're still friends, how we still laugh and joke and whack each others' arms. how we still tease each other about significant others (or hopefuls), and blush violently. the old jokes four years ago that still crack us up. good memories are written in stone, when they are shared by two or more.
frankly, and not to seem pious (which i am completely not), if there is just one thing i wish for, this coming year, it is to draw close to God, and be what He wants me to be. because i realise that i have completely no idea whom i want to be, on my own, and without an anchor, you'll soon be both lost and seasick, tossed by every slightest wind. i guess as a good start, i should take sunday school seriously, and begin with reading the teacher's materials i was given on monday, and thinking of the lesson plans i suspect i'm expected to bring up for discussion tomorrow.
most people are out now. my sister's at her company's d&d. i *cough* advised her on her outfit, ie peered at her face and complained that my glasses were too scratched to be seen through. i thought she looked very pretty in my prom dress from last year though, and the shoes i bought last month. there aren't many people who can carry off a little black dress. other people are at new year count downs. i believe i'll go to sleep extra early just to avoid having to read all those 'happy new year' messages. how do you bid something goodbye, that you never welcomed? it isn't easy welcoming something if you aren't sure about its true nature, and what it hides. but i guess i'll welcome it all the same, because you can't turn back time, or keep it from moving forward, through sheer will. who knows, it might even bring some pretty good laughs, and maybe this time next year, i'll be teasing everyone about their significant others, and enjoying pizza treats from the old girls.
8:55 PM ; 0 comments
Friday, December 30, 2005
in your veins
have you ever had the odd sensation, as you go into the cinema, of being swallowed? you hand over your ticket, and step into a long carpeted darkness. wandering down the gullet of the cinema, you enter a theatre, rather like an intestinal chamber, where you proceed to view the assimilations of someone else's digested thoughts. when the screening is over, you leave via another dark corridor, and regurgitate what you have seen when you talk things over. fascinating, isn't it?
i'm starting to see how being with me can make a person feel like the sort of person who wants to bum around her whole life. i have the aura of a very slowly swirling clogged drain.
we watched narnia this morning. i really do like the music, especially the fact that they are almost completely instrumental. now, i'm not the bloodthirsty sort (contrary to popular belief), but i rather enjoyed the battle, mainly because of the fantastic and rousing music. funnily enough, a line from buffy sprang to mind when edmund got stabbed and peter became almost maniacal with anger - love isn't brains, children, it's blood. blood screaming in your veins to work its will. and when i saw his sheer passion, i couldn't help thinking about how true it is. blood. passion. love. love is instinctual, isn't it? it's the mother who runs to catch her falling child, even if she is a block away and logically would be too late. it's the inexplicable attraction that is the soulmate principle. it's passion, that fire that starts in an instant and never dies, and passion isn't always explainable. love isn't brains, is it? you can't tell yourself to love, or not to love, it just is. it's like energy; indestructable. but i still think that a little brains need to be involved in moderating what flows in your veins. if we functioned purely on our flawed instincts, we wouldn't be any better than animals, would me?
anyway, we took a bumboat ride down the river in the afternoon. it was pretty interesting, except for the bits when the driver decided to put on some tourist tape that included a horrifyingly bad poem on the singapore river. go figure. i would like to live under the bridge. or on a sampan. i rather like the rocking motion, and the way the sun sparkles on the water, and how everything just feels so cyclical and eternal at the same time. flowing, flowing. after that, we attempted to walk from the esplanade to town. my shoes were bothering me, so i walked barefoot. we made it as far as the ymca. not bad, considering the slight drizzle and wet ground. van, we should do it again! just follow wherever the road leads, stop and eat when we're hungry, and just keep walking. let's put it on the list, right under wild wild wet =D
by the way, hallmark cards lie. there is no such thing as human love lasting forever. because forever suggests no beginning or end, and that is humanly impossible. i will still, however, love my friends as long as it is humanly possible, and will deign to include the usage of the word 'forever' when the sentimental need requires.
blood screaming in your veins to work its will
9:37 PM ; 0 comments
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
jinx
i dislike people prying into my personal affairs, much as they do not realise the extent of their privacy. it's easier to just play dumb. now i wonder how i'm going to be able to look my parents in the eye and say, we've been talking about God and life all along. it's not that i'm ashamed of it. okay maybe i'm a little embarrassed to admit that i do think about such things. but ashamed? i'm not ashamed of being a christian. i just don't want to look all holymoly because i'm not.
and crap jan just told me there's math hwk. =( i shall drown my sorrows in more timtams. i can't do math! and i wasn't even paying attention for those chapters. as in, i was paying sub-zero percent attention. crap how am i going to do the tutorials without knowing what's going on? guess i'll ask my sister when she gets home from work and endure a long lecture about why i do badly in school, and why people who work hard get stellar results. she doesn't seem to have gotten the post-it note about stellar results needing a certain amount of grey matter.
4:09 PM ; 0 comments
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
blob
heh heh these things amuse me so.
but just a thought - happiness is only relative to your past experiences and projected expectations. i know i said this earlier in the year when i was angsting away and wallowing in misery (doesn't that sound like 80% of my life anyway?), but it just occured to me again.
10:39 PM ; 0 comments
Saturday, December 24, 2005
the grinch who hates christmas too much to steal it
yes, *points upwards* that's me. don't get me wrong. i know the True Meaning of Christmas etc etc (come on, i grew up in a church, i can practically sing every carol ever written), but i hate christmas as a festival. frankly, it annoys me. endless carols blasted from speakers that never seem to break down, endless sales that overcrowd stores.. and obligations. obligations to be nice and send christmas cards to everyone (those who recieved cards from me, i sent them because i wanted to. if you didn't recieve one, either i don't have your address ie joan and aman, or i have nothing to say to you. no offence intended, i'm trying to be honest), obligations to buy gifts (i'm terrified someone will give me something and i'll realise i forgot all about her).. basically, a lot of obligations. christmas makes me feel like the mean person i am. and it makes me think of the past year, and the christmases before. basically it makes me want to either hurl things at the wall or sit down and bawl my eyes out. remember last christmas, when we were all still together? and no one knew what this year would turn out like, no one knew what a difference distance does make, no one knew anyone would be falling in love and getting attached. sometimes i do believe that ignorance is bliss.
you and i, we're too alike, maybe. somehow your lows always mirror mine. or should i say that mine mirror yours? sometimes i think that we feel the same things at the same time. i reach for my phone to msg you, and a few seconds later i get one from you. if i were to run away, i guess i'd run away with you, because you'd know why i needed to go, and where, and you'd need it too. can i be selfish and say i don't want you to leave? because i've seen what leaving can do. what being immersed in another culture, having different experiences and priorities and basically living lives very far apart, can do to you. and i don't want that to happen with us too. am i destined to lose every single person i love? i know staying isn't really an option with you. but going isn't really an option with me. i guess there's no point dreading the future. whatever will be will be.
incidentally, i think i met the person whom i refered to some time ago. remember i said i fancied a guy who used to look like takashi kaneshiro? well i think i saw him again today, and he doesn't look like him anymore. not so cute, and definitely more punk - a earring in the (left) ear. still i sort of recognised him straight away. i'm afraid i kept staring in an attempt to convince myself that it was him. i still can't remember his name though. but i remember the christmas 3 years ago when i first saw him. isn't it funny, the things we remember? i still remember the pattern of the carpet at the office i worked at in sec3. i remember the tiny spot of blue i used to see from my window as a child, the sparkling spot my mother told me was the sea. i remember telling my parents i wanted to live on a farm and have lots of green fields around me. but i don't remember the things that society keeps telling us are important. i will never be able to memorise my math formulae.
al says i was famous for blowing up. funny, but i've really lost all the fire i used to have. now i'm just another boring wallpaperflower. there's hardly any ice left. all i do now is smile slightly and say, 'i'm okay with it'. you should never have told me to smile more. now i've lost everything that ever defined me.
if you wish me merry christmas, i will blow your brains out.
10:52 PM ; 6 comments
Friday, December 23, 2005
love isn't brains, children
i came back last night. okay crap that sounds more sinister than it's meant to. anyway, the point is, i really am back. tadahh. okay everyone not hurry to catch that flight to outerspace.
1. perth was great. i love the fact that i didn't sweat for 8 days, there were no horrendous crowds, and well nothing beats not having to rush needlessly all life long, eh?
2. i was afraid to find things had changed, or that people had. looking back now, i see my fear was not misplaced. but i've learnt something. regret is pointless. what will be will be. besides, where do you start regretting, and where do you stop? should i regret meeting you only to realise how vastly different our lives are now, or should i regret the parting that made it so? or perhaps i ought to regret that we even met, that i would never even know this confusion. do i then regret my life from start to end? anyway the point to this rambling is - i don't regret anything. if i had to do it all over again, i probably would, because something is going to come out of this. i'll need this experience to fall back on, some time in the future. and for everything that has ever been, tears and laughter, i thank you. you're right. the next time we meet, we should meet not as old friends who share parts of their soul, but as new friends who have to get to know each other.
3. and now i never want to get married, because living with someone can create this tension in your relationship. i may not even survive living with a close friend and growing old with her. i mean sure it's easy to say, love will find a way and friendship bridges all gaps, yadda yadda, but wait til you see the amount of hot water i use in the shower (and try to hold your pee outside the door while i whistle a merry tune inside. okay fine i don't whistle but i do take very long). i shall be a nun. or a hermit. i have this sinking feeling that i'll be kicked out of the nunnery. oh, plus i'm not catholic.
4. my luggage weighed 18 kg, thank goodness i decided to check in the two bags. i would never have been able to handle lugging (is this why it's called luggage? hmm) them down the stairs at the perth airport. when i got home and unpacked i realised that the bulk of it was due to the presents i brought back, both from chris and me. if you want to call me mrs santa, you do have to find out who's santa claus you know. i'll admit i have the hots for blondes. anyway.
5. i am now madly in love with spike from buffy the vampire slayer. i mean, punk-goth vampire with cheekbones sharp enough to rival his tongue? what's there not to like? the fact that he's pretty much got the best lines (mix two parts wit with one part sarcasm, and add a dash of occasional insight, and you've got a formula most girls i.e. i, can't resist), has a british accent and white-blonde hair is only accentuated by his hidden sensitive poet side. watch me swoon. i remember being vaguely attracted to him years ago when i watched a few episodes now and then of buffy, but back then i felt compelled, for some unknown reason, to dismiss him for being evil. well, screw evil, he has some of the best lines in the show. to buffy and angel, about their undeniable attraction to each other -- you aren't friends. you'll never be friends. you'll be in love til it kills you both. you'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. love isn't brains, children. love is blood- blood screaming in your veins to work its will. i may be love's bitch, but at least i'm man enough to admit it. -- and about drusilla, who left him because he wasn't evil enough anymore -- i'll hunt her down (wherever she is), tie her up, and torture her til she likes me again. -- anyway basically he's my newest fictional-character crush. i really do like blonde hair. think spike, draco malfoy, freddie/freddy (drummer guy from school of rock), legolas, etc. it's just so pretty. but note that this only applies to fictional characters. for real life, please enquire with my support staff as to my checklist. i'm kidding. but there really is a checklist, as you very well know. i really am rambling. must be the all the nail polish. i helped my sister do a french manicure with the french manicure set she got me for christmas. i don't have a steady hand at all. luckily i'm not eligible for surgery training. i forgot what else i wanted to say. oh yes.
6. i love it when the plane is taking off or landing. i want to fly. i mean it. joan, take me flying. please. i get this crazy high from it, and i start to feel like i can conquer anything, and i start grinning to myself, which is always a bad idea when you're alone. by the way, just to inform the curious - no i did not sit next to a hot guy who provided me with intelligent conversation for hours. i didn't sit next to anyone at all. there was a space between the next person and me on both flights. hooray.
crap i'm tired, i'm off to bed now. will email everyone i promised to email tomorrow or something. we're meeting up tomorrow! yayness!! do not bring your boyfriends, or i won't be held responsible for my actions. it's a foursix outing!
12:30 AM ; 0 comments
Sunday, December 11, 2005
because boredom loves company
Bold the following that are true about you, italicize things you wish were true, add one true thing about you, and then tag five more people.
I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch much TV these days.
I love olives.
I own lots of books. (and i wish i had the time to read them)
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I've watched porn movies.
I have been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (gotta learn tact before i'm twentyone though)
I curse sometimes. (trying to curb the bad habit)
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm TOTALLY smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
I hate the rain.
I'm paranoid at times.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (oh don't lie, daughter of eve!)
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really, really fast. (used to be really true. now it's only when i get excited)
I have fresh breath in the morning.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way that I look.
I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
I know how to cornrow
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I think prostitution should be legalized.
I think Britney Spears is pretty. (can't stand her now, but you can't deny she's got some looks)
Slept with a Suitemate.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex. (what's the big deal??)
I enjoy talking on the phone. (used to do it more. ahh, life)
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat. (then i would be skinny, right?)
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
I don't hate anyone. I dislike them. (sorry i'm too much of a snob to hate)
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in (a) God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before. (i express great remorse for my past actions, but would still do it again because i have my standards and ideals)
I currently like someone. (me, myself and i =D)
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
I'm not allergic to anything. (i strongly suspect i'm allergic to idiots. might explain my allergy to myself)
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex. (same reasoning as to why i'm shy around baboons - you never know what's going on behind those glazed eyes)
I'm online 24/7, even as an away message. (almost. heh)
I have at least 5 away messages saved.
I have tried alcohol or drugs before. (a sip of red wine that i could barely swallow?)
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past. (girls don't make moves, unless they're on other girls)
I own the "South Park" movie.
I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
I enjoy some country music.
I would die for my best friends. (because i'm too selfish to live without them. i love you, by the way)
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I watch soap operas whenever I can.
I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist. (bolded for the wrong things. italicsed for the right things)
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I have dated a close friend's ex.
I like surveys/memes. (it really depends on the level of boredom and desire to avoid homework, now isn't it?)
I am happy at this moment.
I'm obsessed with guys.
Democrat.
Conservative Republican.
I am punk rockish.
I am preppy.
I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
I study for tests most of the time. (my new year resolution every single year)
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met. (except the person who taught me how to tie my laces of course. wonder if he still remembers that incident thirteen years ago. hmm)
I can work on a car.
I love my job. (when i get one!)
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
I believe in prophetic dreams.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I am proficient on a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs. (can you imagine answering to someone else for the rest of your life? i can't handle that)
I love sci-fi movies. (they're cool. i love gattaca)
I think water rules.
I went to college out of state.
I am adopted.
I like sausage.
I am a pyro.
I love the Red Sox.
I have thrown up from crying too much.
I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved. (i choose to think all incidences were unintentional because i still love them)
I love kisses. (sweet seventeen and never been kissed, i wear it like a badge of honour)
I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time. (i'll get back to you after i've had a go or two, yeah?)
I adore bright colors.
I love Dear Abby.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I think school is awesome.
I think pigtails serve a purpose. (they keep very long hair neat! it's a fact)
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I don't like multi-textured ice cream.
I think John Cusack is adorable.
I f**king hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays
I watch Food Network way too much.
I love coaching youth sports.
I can pick up things with my toes. (i could before i got all stiff with age )= )
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse. (ridden it right into the lake. downright romantic)
I still have every journal I've ever written in. (are you mad, they make me sick)
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep. (but if i say anything, it's not true)
I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I would not be friends if they weren't family.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I love vaginas. (*raises eyebrow*)
I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with. (i can't remember)
I am a caffeine junkie.
I know who Santos L. Halper is.
I read trashy romance novels and I am ashamed.
I love wrestling.
I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is. (i know)
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
I'm an artist.
I have a goal to collect every Johnny Depp movie ever made.
I have an unhealthy Taco Bell obsession.
I have had a crush on a cartoon character when I was a kid. (yes!! i tell you, prince philip from sleeping beauty is incredibly cute! and dmitri from anastasia. the beast while he was still a beast, because he was nice and grumpy. diego from ice age fairly recently, because he was the brooding pensive sort)
I have spent more on anime and manga than many spend on computers or other high end products
I only clean my room when neccesary.
I can't sleep at night. (depends)
I have an unhealthy obsession with songs.
people whom i want to do this:
1. jean
2. chris
3. bev
4. mellie
5. ally
10:58 PM ; 0 comments
one and a half more days!
i had a lot to say about 'perhaps love', but now i can't seem to focus on anything, thanks to the combined effects of packing breathlessly and eating chocolates. i've got the unfortunate habit of holding my breath when i'm concentrating. which means if i'm playing a particularly hard piece of music, i tend not to breathe very much, and end up slightly dizzy at the end of it. unfortunately the same goes for solving math problems. i actually hold my breath til i'm done. luckily i'm so bad at math, i stop to think (and breathe) every few lines. so the last two hours of packing really did me in. still trying to catch my breath.
ah yes, perhaps love. takeshi kaneshiro is devastatingly handsome, especially in that cap he wears. i've always hated how girls swoon over heartthrobs, but there're no two ways about it; he's one. perhaps he was too distractingly handsome. the rather complex (to my confused mind) plot that involved a lot of flashbacks and scenes from the 'musical' would probably have been better understood if i hadn't spent quite so much time appreciating his very good looks. there is something to be said about the melancholic, brooding hero with hints of suppressed passion. i guess it's like falling in love with a lit candle set in a block of ice that only you can melt. love can be so tremendously powerful. that's probably the charm of the pensive, silent brooder with dark flashing eyes; it hints of more, and you wish you could be the one to see it. hah. i am going to watch it a second time when i come back, because i'm determined to figure out the real role of the funny guy who seems to be holding all these minor yet important roles. they should have used different hairstyles or something for each time period - towards the end it was really too confusing.
andddd i found my lip butter!!! i am officially over the moon. i thought i'd lost it, and they don't sell the melon seed flavour anymore, so i was pretty sad. now i can't stop smiling. oh dear.
half a night more, then a day, then a morning, then half an afternoon. wooohooo.
i love my friends very much, i really do. excerpt of a conversation:
sam: let's go swimming!
serene and nanz: yeah! when?
sam: friday? where?
serene: erhh. mello's place?
[turning to me] all three: eh can we swim at your house on friday?
i love them very very much. they're coming over tomorrow. while i pack and have piano, most probably. and attempt to finish my book review and three drqs. arghhhh. i don't have a problem with the book review, i just need to get down to it. but econs and i don't seem to go very well. i stood so long in line for 'unreasonable sarcasm' that i missed 'common sense' and 'logic'.
10:04 PM ; 0 comments
Saturday, December 10, 2005
twoandahalfmoredays
in a few days' time, i'll be in perth!! YAY!!! do you have any idea how eleven months can seem like twenty years and yet twenty minutes, all at the same time? i can't wait to see chris and hug her again and have pillow fights and spend all day eating and talking nonstop. it's killing me to wait 2 1/2 days. then again i've waited so many months. and i have to finish my homework before i go. down to one book review and four drqs. when i think about meeting her, it somehow makes it easier to drag my mind away from endless daydreaming and reading. it helps that i have three very nice new instrumental cds - the hi-fi sound of orchestra and natural, the best of sens.
last night van and i watched oi! sleeping beauty!! the wake up musical. i wasn't too impressed at first. maybe because i am no longer five years old. i mean it was funny, in a toilet-humour kinda way. as van said, those were the kind of jokes we'd crack. nothing too intellectually stimulating, but maybe that was the point. a little too loud and brash, and self-conscious. one thing i've noticed about singaporean productions - they tend to make everything too self-consciously racially harmonic. i mean, one witch to represent each race? and the evil white witch turning out to be a lonely expat? this all too common tactic only drives home the point that we haven't reached the stage yet where we are actually as racially harmonic as we say we are. if skin colour truly didn't matter, we wouldn't have to put in so much effort to ensure that the four are always represented in this manner. and as van mentioned, you would only notice that someone was telling a racist joke if your ears were tuned to pick out the race of the person in the joke. i also found the little references to politics rather annoying. will there ever, for once, be a show or play or movie that doesn't have to keep refering to the singapore-malaysia politics (think: water issue), singaporeans' apparent inability to dream (after being constantly advertised by everyone from the ministers down, i think we've got the point already) and that doesn't have to resort to singlish to make people laugh. i doubt it speaks very well of us as a community if our artistes think that the only things that make us laugh are rude-sounding comments yelled in dialects, or broken (and barely understandable) english. fortunately, most of us can and do appreciate wit. but apart from that the show was fine. very elaborate costumes and stage props; the three fairies in drag looked positively pretty from where i was sitting, and the batik really was beautiful. there were only three parts in the entire musical that struck me. the first was when the queen realised she wouldn't live to see her daughter wake, and began singing a terribly touching song to her. okay i'm a sucker for that sort of music, but there was something about that scene. they say you should never have to bury your children, and i guess that's what she was doing, in a way. the second was when the prince had found the princess and was reading the letter left next to her. as he read it out loud, i could hear the queen dictating the letter to the royal scribe in the background, like echoes from the past. they stood to the side, like an afterthought beginning to fade, with the earlier song playing softly. somehow those two very short parts struck me as the most sincere, the most real. the rest just seemed like a huge laugh. the third part wasn't even part of the musical. as the cast danced to the last song after bowing, a little girl dropped her christmas cap, but couldn't pick it up, so she went on dancing. the cat saw this, and rushed to the front of the stage, picking it up as he went, and put it on his head, posing for the audience like it was part of the act. after that he put it back on her head as he went past. the expression on the little girl's face caught my eye; she seemed so surprised and grateful and glad all at once, and i found i was willing to write off his painfully exaggerated acting, simply because of that small act of kindness. okay that was very long. oops. i wonder if anyone survived reading to the end.
don't want something just because you can't get it; want it because you can't live without it, because you need it, because you love it.
7:05 PM ; 0 comments
Thursday, December 08, 2005
oh, tim tams!
yesterday was an excellent piece of evidence as to why ill-disciplined young children should never be left at home alone. i didn't get a stitch of work done. or the day before. or the day before either. and i should really stop here. so much for getting my homework done before leaving.
van and i went down to the spca (too) bright and early in the morning. there's a new baby there. i have no idea why i say baby when i really mean puppy, but there you have it. it's a perfectly adorable two-month-old crossbreed. and i bet someone will adopt it soon. it's too cute to resist. not that the other dogs aren't; but this particular one has such an adorable little baby face, and the way it shook its head vigorously with its toy in its mouth was awww-worthy. maternal instincts, galore! then there was a male dog with the prettiest face - and way of sitting! it crossed its legs. i am not kidding. then again, as i told van, with a name like huerd, what do you expect? i would have named it draco, with its arrogant face and stately air.
and i wish i could strangle annie. the awful girl showed me ugly pictures of tom felton. i am now traumatised for life. i never said tom felton was good looking. draco and tom felton are two very different people. takeshi kaneshiro is hot though, just to digress. anyway my point is, i'm madly in love with draco and remus as they are in fanfics, and not as they are on film or in the book. although i must say that i like draco's smirk very much. there's something about arrogant people, isn't there? it's all very banal to want something that you can't get.
last night ally and i went out to celebrate her birthday in advance. i planned to surprise her with a bumboat ride down the singapore river, but her pictures turned out a bit shaky. excellent dinner, though. after that we sat by the river and watched the water.. at least, i did. she was busy with her tripod and camera. then we decided (trust me, it took forever and three days) to just go on the boat ride anyway. uncle jay was very nice; he still remembers me, and was as friendly as ever. there was no one else on the boat, and we didn't make any other stops. we sat on the deck (is it a deck? i have no idea. the flat place in front where you aren't allowed to stand) and let the breeze whip our hair into tangled messes. being so close to the water, with no railings in front or anything to block your view, i could almost imagine myself flying. almost. the steady forward motion that ate up the river and left ripples in its wake.. and the lights all around, and silhouettes of couples standing too close by the river..
today was boring. i alternated between sleeping and eating. my conscience now demands that i have my first supper and procede with my homework. how i'll ever finish in time is beyond me. it's so much nicer to curl up somewhere, a hundred soft clouds to dream into being. and slightly chilled tim tams, of course!
8:35 PM ; 3 comments
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
it is done
*points to title* *nods sagely*
but i'd still like to thank everyone for their support. especially siti, serene, mellie, nanz, sam.. joan.. how joan came into the picture is really quite complicated.. yep. it was not as bad as expected. at least now weeks of worrying with that huge burden over my head [dare i say heart?] are over. sitting almost without moving for an hour was so tiring i cancelled my appointment and went home to sleep. going to watch harry potter tonight with my father. i want to see if draco has gone all ugly.
incidentally, i think i used to have an eyecandy who looked just like takeshi kaneshiro. i'm not kidding. i was reading the papers just now, and he really did look like him! years ago anyway. those eyebrows and eyes and hair and cheekbones and hair.. i wonder where he is now. it's been, oh, three years? don't bother pushing me for information, i have none. all i remember is that he was typically tall, dark and handsome. dark refering to his very black hair, eyes and eyebrows. i think the dark eyes and eyebrows contributed greatly to his brooding, pensive air. i should stop talking about this before ally jabs me with her elbow.
in exactly one week, chris and will be falling into each others' arms, screaming and making a big scene. to prevent the scene from being too big, maybe i should wear heels on the plane so as to hinder any instinctive running that may occur. chris, can you believe it? we're finally meeting again. =) it's been a long 11 months. and i know some people still think we're les, but that really can't be helped. it's all your fault for having short hair. and now people are going to think i'm ac/dc. =S
3:20 PM ; 5 comments
Sunday, December 04, 2005
of cockroaches on buses and other resolutions
at long last, i see the light! and i will never eat on the bus again. there was a horrible, although admittedly small cockroach on the bus. i spent a full half-hour staring at it in morbid fascination, hoping it wouldn't come too close. when it scuttled towards me, i stifled a shriek and inched closer to the unfortunate fellow on my left. i'm afraid he thought i was interested in him or something even less likely; by the end of the trip, i was perilously close to him. in fact, had the cockroach flown towards me, i would have without a doubt, let out a girlish scream and trampled over the poor soul in a wild attempt to get off the bus. or maybe i would have played the damsel in distress. my feminism does not extend to fending off the unwanted attentions of a certain family of the animal kingdom by myself. anyway he was a chinese native. how do you say 'cockroach' in mandarin? i get the feeling it isn't chang1 ying2. maybe i would have shouted gui3 [ghost] and leapt into someone's lap. and we'll never know now, because i got off the bus before anything remotely too exciting happened.
incidentally, i fell desperately in love with a pair of purple pointy-toed heels, but nanz convinced me to buy the black pair instead. all right i admit they're beautiful. and not that painful. as compared to my pixie shoes, anyway. i can't believe the sheer torture i endured for the sake of wearing those shoes. i am still going to wear them, no matter what you say. i wonder what my mother will say when she gets home from england and sees them. or my sister, for that matter. i bet my mum will tell her to borrow them when she goes to work next year. ohhh well. they were my christmas present to me. i have zero self-control. this confession does not make them any less beautiful. because beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and nothing colours your vision like love.
this song brings me back to last year, and its heady euphoria. hand on your heart. once upon a time i believed that nothing is sadder in this realm than unrequited love. then i convinced myself that requited but impossible love was sadder. now i'm back to believing the former. it's probably the result of too many love songs and fantasy novels where heroines pine away forevermore. well i'm going to be the fairygodmother. the worst reality is having your greatest fantasy come true.
8:10 PM ; 6 comments
Saturday, December 03, 2005
excitement versus the lack thereof
my life right now is rather boring. no i am not complaining. i love it boring. if it reverts back to being 'very exciting' -quote siti- and full of stomach-churning shocks, i will die. okay so i'm being melodramatic today. frankly though, after all the bovine scratology of this year, i will never complain again when i have an entire day to do nothing except read fanfic that i've read at least thrice already, until i get a bleeping headache from the glare of the computer screen. draco's wit and charm [or should i say, the author's? hmm] is worth it though. i've been wishing for a boring life vehemently for the past few weeks. now that my wish is granted, i'm not very sure what i'd thought i'd be doing with all this free time, at the point of wishing. i mean, sure i'm in one piece, not being [falsely?] accused of random crimes, or locked up in jail [this truly scared me for a very long three hours, until i realised i'm underaged for jail anyway, and who knows whom i'd fall in love with at the girls' home. i'm kidding, you homophobics], or anything else i seem to get myself into, but there's no one to talk to, now my sister's gone off. and sitting in her room is no fun when i have to sit alone, and scare myself silly looking into the mirror. yes i look that terrifying in glasses. i am not complaining of boredom.
because in a few days, things might get a little too loud and nerve-wrecking. or exciting, depending on whether you're on the recieving end of uncontrolled wrath, or a mildly interested passerby. frankly, it can only end one way. because i've decided to achieve that end, either through persuasion or plain provocation. whether or not i leave with my eardrums [and pride] intact, remains to be seen. why is it that when it's technically none of my business, i have no qualms about standing up and saying exactly what i think? but i don't trust myself as much as i trust my friends when it comes to things like the unintended consequences of my [tongue-in-cheek, mind you] comments and various misunderstandings that stem from other people's inability to appreciate [or understand, it seems] the aforementioned. i am of course being an arrogant prick, feel free to blow up my head.
i wish my sec3 teacher had never written that i need to learn tact, it has left me doubtful of my own ability to field dangerous situations ever since. of course i always say the very things most people keep to themselves, and end up in even worse trouble. except with mrs lee. for some reason she appreciated honesty and had a sense of humour. i remember vividly the hour i spent in her office, where i told her that i thought certain new rules were completely pointless, and she very patiently explained them to my sixteen-year-old mind. frankly though, i prefer pointless rules to anarchy.
i have a brilliant [and possibly foolish] idea. i'll just imagine i'm not standing up for myself, i'm standing up for someone else. it's a lot easier to protect someone you actually believe in.
10:54 PM ; 11 comments
Friday, December 02, 2005
the art of being sweet seventeen
just got back from my grandmother's nursing home. i think they still want to expel her. it's rather amusing, really. i suspect she picks fights with people because she's bored. she can't read, doesn't know how to appreciate music, and is too lazy to play cards. anyway the last time she stayed at our house, my sister caught her cheating at solitaire. and i get the feeling she doesn't want a nice big dog. what a pity. she's been refusing to sit up for ages, claiming it makes her tired. well, that was until i got tired and decided to borrow her wheelchair, and amused myself rolling all over the room. that was when she decided she wanted to get in on the fun too, and told my mother she wanted to go for a walk. hahaha. so i effectively tricked an old lady into sitting up and getting some fresh air. hooray. it's like that with kids anyway. just pretend you're having fun and they'll want to do whatever it is you're doing. banal human mentality. incidentally my grandmother looks like yoda. i suspect it upsets my mother when i tell her they look strikingly alike. my sister and mother leave for uk tonight. i'll be left here for two weeks. i'm seeing them off, but if my father doesn't come along i guess i can just get lost trying to go back via mrt. no way in hell am i taking a cab, i didn't slog at the office for two weeks just to squander my hard-earned cash. i've got this nagging feeling i'm supposed to be doing something right now. like sleeping, or something important of that sort. i think i'll go tease page. or brush her fur, since everyone says i've got a funny-furred hamster. it's not my fault she doesn't take to water very well.
12:02 PM ; 4 comments
so this is how it ends. the night, the month, the year.
it only struck me this evening that it's already new year's eve. i'm not looking forward to the new year, but i do not regret moving away from this one. i won't bother with resolutions this time - i never keep to them. what is a resolution, anyway? just something you know you should do, but will never do? my resolutions tend to read like a to-do list from my conscience. if i must resolve to do something, then i resolve to have the willpower, the determination and the wisdom to do what's right. no more and no less.
soon this year will be ending. if i were to be melodramatic about it (am i ever not?), i would say that it has been a pretty.. exciting year. reluctantly admitted into a school where i knew two people, none of whom were in my class or even faculty.. a school with an entirely different culture (and language), whose very building sickened me. i hated it with a passion for months. the only reason i went regularly was because i'm a 'good girl' - and i was willfully fascinated by someone's hair. if i remember anything at all about the first seven or eight months, it is that i was miserable. i cried almost every night, and relied on weekly meetings with old friends to get by. it's easy to fall back into that dark, dreamlike state. someone asked, 'when was the last time you were really happy?' and i couldn't answer. december? had it been that long? i will never know. some of us are creatures of habit. but the only thing that doesn't change, is change itself. i've always known that. but what is knowledge, if you cannot act on it, if it stays in your brain and doesn't transcend to your mind? vank, i've been thinking.. maybe that's how it happened. maybe that's when it happened. it must have been during those dark months, when i stopped caring about everything and moved even further inward, that i lost my fire. and now that i think about it, this must be me. fireless, passionless, empty. maybe the new year will fill me again. i don't know. we aren't meant to know, aren't meant to see or realise anything until we look back, because everything is so much clearer on retrospect. but i know i could never have embraced it anyway. the months leading to september were inevitable. regret is pointless, anyway.
i remained in the cca i was in for four years, because i couldn't bear the thought of joining a new one in a new school. i hate meeting new people. social events make me nauseous. literally. so remaining was an easy way out. of course now i know it was a mistake, and that cowards will always pay the full price in blood. i plan to join the interact club next year. for no specific reason except that it's a huge cca where i can blend neatly into the background, and i rather like community service.
many other, smaller, things happened. funny, but i have to rack my brains now to think of them. the little things that kept me up at night, that we agonised over. isn't it funny, how we agonised then, but laugh now? thank God for that. so, hearts are broken every day. but that is nothing new. heartbreak songs are sung by the dozen. in fact, many poets credit their best poems to heartbreaks. at the moment, it is like a white-hot rod plunged into your chest, that burns and leaves a mark that never fades. but even rods cool, and even flesh heals. of course the person in question will want to viciously kick those who say 'time heals all wounds', but it is a rare wound, and often a bitter one, that does not heal, given years and proper care. funny, but the only thing that seems to hurt more than breaking up, is having no one to break up with.
and decisions, of course, have to be made. whether or not to drop a subject that you aren't failing. whether or not to quit a cca, when it's between what you know is right, and what others expect of you. whether or not to quit a job, because you're asked to do something you aren't comfortable with. whether or not to tell the truth, because it stings like hell.
we've all changed. twelve months is forever, and a fragment of a dot on a timeline, all at the same time. we've grown, because we must. if even constant friction can cause the erosion of great rocks, we have no right to think that we as mere humans can escape growing up, growing into new selves, growing apart. it is a fact of life. frankly, i hate most facts of life. but maybe we should focus less on how we've changed, and more on how we haven't. how we're still friends, how we still laugh and joke and whack each others' arms. how we still tease each other about significant others (or hopefuls), and blush violently. the old jokes four years ago that still crack us up. good memories are written in stone, when they are shared by two or more.
frankly, and not to seem pious (which i am completely not), if there is just one thing i wish for, this coming year, it is to draw close to God, and be what He wants me to be. because i realise that i have completely no idea whom i want to be, on my own, and without an anchor, you'll soon be both lost and seasick, tossed by every slightest wind. i guess as a good start, i should take sunday school seriously, and begin with reading the teacher's materials i was given on monday, and thinking of the lesson plans i suspect i'm expected to bring up for discussion tomorrow.
most people are out now. my sister's at her company's d&d. i *cough* advised her on her outfit, ie peered at her face and complained that my glasses were too scratched to be seen through. i thought she looked very pretty in my prom dress from last year though, and the shoes i bought last month. there aren't many people who can carry off a little black dress. other people are at new year count downs. i believe i'll go to sleep extra early just to avoid having to read all those 'happy new year' messages. how do you bid something goodbye, that you never welcomed? it isn't easy welcoming something if you aren't sure about its true nature, and what it hides. but i guess i'll welcome it all the same, because you can't turn back time, or keep it from moving forward, through sheer will. who knows, it might even bring some pretty good laughs, and maybe this time next year, i'll be teasing everyone about their significant others, and enjoying pizza treats from the old girls.
8:55 PM ; 0 comments
Friday, December 30, 2005
in your veins
have you ever had the odd sensation, as you go into the cinema, of being swallowed? you hand over your ticket, and step into a long carpeted darkness. wandering down the gullet of the cinema, you enter a theatre, rather like an intestinal chamber, where you proceed to view the assimilations of someone else's digested thoughts. when the screening is over, you leave via another dark corridor, and regurgitate what you have seen when you talk things over. fascinating, isn't it?
i'm starting to see how being with me can make a person feel like the sort of person who wants to bum around her whole life. i have the aura of a very slowly swirling clogged drain.
we watched narnia this morning. i really do like the music, especially the fact that they are almost completely instrumental. now, i'm not the bloodthirsty sort (contrary to popular belief), but i rather enjoyed the battle, mainly because of the fantastic and rousing music. funnily enough, a line from buffy sprang to mind when edmund got stabbed and peter became almost maniacal with anger - love isn't brains, children, it's blood. blood screaming in your veins to work its will. and when i saw his sheer passion, i couldn't help thinking about how true it is. blood. passion. love. love is instinctual, isn't it? it's the mother who runs to catch her falling child, even if she is a block away and logically would be too late. it's the inexplicable attraction that is the soulmate principle. it's passion, that fire that starts in an instant and never dies, and passion isn't always explainable. love isn't brains, is it? you can't tell yourself to love, or not to love, it just is. it's like energy; indestructable. but i still think that a little brains need to be involved in moderating what flows in your veins. if we functioned purely on our flawed instincts, we wouldn't be any better than animals, would me?
anyway, we took a bumboat ride down the river in the afternoon. it was pretty interesting, except for the bits when the driver decided to put on some tourist tape that included a horrifyingly bad poem on the singapore river. go figure. i would like to live under the bridge. or on a sampan. i rather like the rocking motion, and the way the sun sparkles on the water, and how everything just feels so cyclical and eternal at the same time. flowing, flowing. after that, we attempted to walk from the esplanade to town. my shoes were bothering me, so i walked barefoot. we made it as far as the ymca. not bad, considering the slight drizzle and wet ground. van, we should do it again! just follow wherever the road leads, stop and eat when we're hungry, and just keep walking. let's put it on the list, right under wild wild wet =D
by the way, hallmark cards lie. there is no such thing as human love lasting forever. because forever suggests no beginning or end, and that is humanly impossible. i will still, however, love my friends as long as it is humanly possible, and will deign to include the usage of the word 'forever' when the sentimental need requires.
blood screaming in your veins to work its will
9:37 PM ; 0 comments
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
jinx
i dislike people prying into my personal affairs, much as they do not realise the extent of their privacy. it's easier to just play dumb. now i wonder how i'm going to be able to look my parents in the eye and say, we've been talking about God and life all along. it's not that i'm ashamed of it. okay maybe i'm a little embarrassed to admit that i do think about such things. but ashamed? i'm not ashamed of being a christian. i just don't want to look all holymoly because i'm not.
and crap jan just told me there's math hwk. =( i shall drown my sorrows in more timtams. i can't do math! and i wasn't even paying attention for those chapters. as in, i was paying sub-zero percent attention. crap how am i going to do the tutorials without knowing what's going on? guess i'll ask my sister when she gets home from work and endure a long lecture about why i do badly in school, and why people who work hard get stellar results. she doesn't seem to have gotten the post-it note about stellar results needing a certain amount of grey matter.
4:09 PM ; 0 comments
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
blob
| You Have a Melancholic Temperament |
 Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times. At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult. |
heh heh these things amuse me so.
but just a thought - happiness is only relative to your past experiences and projected expectations. i know i said this earlier in the year when i was angsting away and wallowing in misery (doesn't that sound like 80% of my life anyway?), but it just occured to me again.
10:39 PM ; 0 comments
Saturday, December 24, 2005
the grinch who hates christmas too much to steal it
yes, *points upwards* that's me. don't get me wrong. i know the True Meaning of Christmas etc etc (come on, i grew up in a church, i can practically sing every carol ever written), but i hate christmas as a festival. frankly, it annoys me. endless carols blasted from speakers that never seem to break down, endless sales that overcrowd stores.. and obligations. obligations to be nice and send christmas cards to everyone (those who recieved cards from me, i sent them because i wanted to. if you didn't recieve one, either i don't have your address ie joan and aman, or i have nothing to say to you. no offence intended, i'm trying to be honest), obligations to buy gifts (i'm terrified someone will give me something and i'll realise i forgot all about her).. basically, a lot of obligations. christmas makes me feel like the mean person i am. and it makes me think of the past year, and the christmases before. basically it makes me want to either hurl things at the wall or sit down and bawl my eyes out. remember last christmas, when we were all still together? and no one knew what this year would turn out like, no one knew what a difference distance does make, no one knew anyone would be falling in love and getting attached. sometimes i do believe that ignorance is bliss.
you and i, we're too alike, maybe. somehow your lows always mirror mine. or should i say that mine mirror yours? sometimes i think that we feel the same things at the same time. i reach for my phone to msg you, and a few seconds later i get one from you. if i were to run away, i guess i'd run away with you, because you'd know why i needed to go, and where, and you'd need it too. can i be selfish and say i don't want you to leave? because i've seen what leaving can do. what being immersed in another culture, having different experiences and priorities and basically living lives very far apart, can do to you. and i don't want that to happen with us too. am i destined to lose every single person i love? i know staying isn't really an option with you. but going isn't really an option with me. i guess there's no point dreading the future. whatever will be will be.
incidentally, i think i met the person whom i refered to some time ago. remember i said i fancied a guy who used to look like takashi kaneshiro? well i think i saw him again today, and he doesn't look like him anymore. not so cute, and definitely more punk - a earring in the (left) ear. still i sort of recognised him straight away. i'm afraid i kept staring in an attempt to convince myself that it was him. i still can't remember his name though. but i remember the christmas 3 years ago when i first saw him. isn't it funny, the things we remember? i still remember the pattern of the carpet at the office i worked at in sec3. i remember the tiny spot of blue i used to see from my window as a child, the sparkling spot my mother told me was the sea. i remember telling my parents i wanted to live on a farm and have lots of green fields around me. but i don't remember the things that society keeps telling us are important. i will never be able to memorise my math formulae.
al says i was famous for blowing up. funny, but i've really lost all the fire i used to have. now i'm just another boring wallpaperflower. there's hardly any ice left. all i do now is smile slightly and say, 'i'm okay with it'. you should never have told me to smile more. now i've lost everything that ever defined me.
if you wish me merry christmas, i will blow your brains out.
10:52 PM ; 6 comments
Friday, December 23, 2005
love isn't brains, children
i came back last night. okay crap that sounds more sinister than it's meant to. anyway, the point is, i really am back. tadahh. okay everyone not hurry to catch that flight to outerspace.
1. perth was great. i love the fact that i didn't sweat for 8 days, there were no horrendous crowds, and well nothing beats not having to rush needlessly all life long, eh?
2. i was afraid to find things had changed, or that people had. looking back now, i see my fear was not misplaced. but i've learnt something. regret is pointless. what will be will be. besides, where do you start regretting, and where do you stop? should i regret meeting you only to realise how vastly different our lives are now, or should i regret the parting that made it so? or perhaps i ought to regret that we even met, that i would never even know this confusion. do i then regret my life from start to end? anyway the point to this rambling is - i don't regret anything. if i had to do it all over again, i probably would, because something is going to come out of this. i'll need this experience to fall back on, some time in the future. and for everything that has ever been, tears and laughter, i thank you. you're right. the next time we meet, we should meet not as old friends who share parts of their soul, but as new friends who have to get to know each other.
3. and now i never want to get married, because living with someone can create this tension in your relationship. i may not even survive living with a close friend and growing old with her. i mean sure it's easy to say, love will find a way and friendship bridges all gaps, yadda yadda, but wait til you see the amount of hot water i use in the shower (and try to hold your pee outside the door while i whistle a merry tune inside. okay fine i don't whistle but i do take very long). i shall be a nun. or a hermit. i have this sinking feeling that i'll be kicked out of the nunnery. oh, plus i'm not catholic.
4. my luggage weighed 18 kg, thank goodness i decided to check in the two bags. i would never have been able to handle lugging (is this why it's called luggage? hmm) them down the stairs at the perth airport. when i got home and unpacked i realised that the bulk of it was due to the presents i brought back, both from chris and me. if you want to call me mrs santa, you do have to find out who's santa claus you know. i'll admit i have the hots for blondes. anyway.
5. i am now madly in love with spike from buffy the vampire slayer. i mean, punk-goth vampire with cheekbones sharp enough to rival his tongue? what's there not to like? the fact that he's pretty much got the best lines (mix two parts wit with one part sarcasm, and add a dash of occasional insight, and you've got a formula most girls i.e. i, can't resist), has a british accent and white-blonde hair is only accentuated by his hidden sensitive poet side. watch me swoon. i remember being vaguely attracted to him years ago when i watched a few episodes now and then of buffy, but back then i felt compelled, for some unknown reason, to dismiss him for being evil. well, screw evil, he has some of the best lines in the show. to buffy and angel, about their undeniable attraction to each other -- you aren't friends. you'll never be friends. you'll be in love til it kills you both. you'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. love isn't brains, children. love is blood- blood screaming in your veins to work its will. i may be love's bitch, but at least i'm man enough to admit it. -- and about drusilla, who left him because he wasn't evil enough anymore -- i'll hunt her down (wherever she is), tie her up, and torture her til she likes me again. -- anyway basically he's my newest fictional-character crush. i really do like blonde hair. think spike, draco malfoy, freddie/freddy (drummer guy from school of rock), legolas, etc. it's just so pretty. but note that this only applies to fictional characters. for real life, please enquire with my support staff as to my checklist. i'm kidding. but there really is a checklist, as you very well know. i really am rambling. must be the all the nail polish. i helped my sister do a french manicure with the french manicure set she got me for christmas. i don't have a steady hand at all. luckily i'm not eligible for surgery training. i forgot what else i wanted to say. oh yes.
6. i love it when the plane is taking off or landing. i want to fly. i mean it. joan, take me flying. please. i get this crazy high from it, and i start to feel like i can conquer anything, and i start grinning to myself, which is always a bad idea when you're alone. by the way, just to inform the curious - no i did not sit next to a hot guy who provided me with intelligent conversation for hours. i didn't sit next to anyone at all. there was a space between the next person and me on both flights. hooray.
crap i'm tired, i'm off to bed now. will email everyone i promised to email tomorrow or something. we're meeting up tomorrow! yayness!! do not bring your boyfriends, or i won't be held responsible for my actions. it's a foursix outing!
12:30 AM ; 0 comments
Sunday, December 11, 2005
because boredom loves company
Bold the following that are true about you, italicize things you wish were true, add one true thing about you, and then tag five more people.
I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch much TV these days.
I love olives.
I own lots of books. (and i wish i had the time to read them)
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I've watched porn movies.
I have been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (gotta learn tact before i'm twentyone though)
I curse sometimes. (trying to curb the bad habit)
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm TOTALLY smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
I hate the rain.
I'm paranoid at times.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (oh don't lie, daughter of eve!)
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really, really fast. (used to be really true. now it's only when i get excited)
I have fresh breath in the morning.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way that I look.
I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
I know how to cornrow
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I think prostitution should be legalized.
I think Britney Spears is pretty. (can't stand her now, but you can't deny she's got some looks)
Slept with a Suitemate.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex. (what's the big deal??)
I enjoy talking on the phone. (used to do it more. ahh, life)
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat. (then i would be skinny, right?)
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
I don't hate anyone. I dislike them. (sorry i'm too much of a snob to hate)
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in (a) God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before. (i express great remorse for my past actions, but would still do it again because i have my standards and ideals)
I currently like someone. (me, myself and i =D)
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
I'm not allergic to anything. (i strongly suspect i'm allergic to idiots. might explain my allergy to myself)
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex. (same reasoning as to why i'm shy around baboons - you never know what's going on behind those glazed eyes)
I'm online 24/7, even as an away message. (almost. heh)
I have at least 5 away messages saved.
I have tried alcohol or drugs before. (a sip of red wine that i could barely swallow?)
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past. (girls don't make moves, unless they're on other girls)
I own the "South Park" movie.
I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
I enjoy some country music.
I would die for my best friends. (because i'm too selfish to live without them. i love you, by the way)
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I watch soap operas whenever I can.
I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist. (bolded for the wrong things. italicsed for the right things)
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I have dated a close friend's ex.
I like surveys/memes. (it really depends on the level of boredom and desire to avoid homework, now isn't it?)
I am happy at this moment.
I'm obsessed with guys.
Democrat.
Conservative Republican.
I am punk rockish.
I am preppy.
I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
I study for tests most of the time. (my new year resolution every single year)
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met. (except the person who taught me how to tie my laces of course. wonder if he still remembers that incident thirteen years ago. hmm)
I can work on a car.
I love my job. (when i get one!)
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
I believe in prophetic dreams.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I am proficient on a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs. (can you imagine answering to someone else for the rest of your life? i can't handle that)
I love sci-fi movies. (they're cool. i love gattaca)
I think water rules.
I went to college out of state.
I am adopted.
I like sausage.
I am a pyro.
I love the Red Sox.
I have thrown up from crying too much.
I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved. (i choose to think all incidences were unintentional because i still love them)
I love kisses. (sweet seventeen and never been kissed, i wear it like a badge of honour)
I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time. (i'll get back to you after i've had a go or two, yeah?)
I adore bright colors.
I love Dear Abby.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I think school is awesome.
I think pigtails serve a purpose. (they keep very long hair neat! it's a fact)
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I don't like multi-textured ice cream.
I think John Cusack is adorable.
I f**king hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays
I watch Food Network way too much.
I love coaching youth sports.
I can pick up things with my toes. (i could before i got all stiff with age )= )
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse. (ridden it right into the lake. downright romantic)
I still have every journal I've ever written in. (are you mad, they make me sick)
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep. (but if i say anything, it's not true)
I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I would not be friends if they weren't family.
I wear a toe ring.
I have a tattoo.
I love vaginas. (*raises eyebrow*)
I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with. (i can't remember)
I am a caffeine junkie.
I know who Santos L. Halper is.
I read trashy romance novels and I am ashamed.
I love wrestling.
I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is. (i know)
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
I'm an artist.
I have a goal to collect every Johnny Depp movie ever made.
I have an unhealthy Taco Bell obsession.
I have had a crush on a cartoon character when I was a kid. (yes!! i tell you, prince philip from sleeping beauty is incredibly cute! and dmitri from anastasia. the beast while he was still a beast, because he was nice and grumpy. diego from ice age fairly recently, because he was the brooding pensive sort)
I have spent more on anime and manga than many spend on computers or other high end products
I only clean my room when neccesary.
I can't sleep at night. (depends)
I have an unhealthy obsession with songs.
people whom i want to do this:
1. jean
2. chris
3. bev
4. mellie
5. ally
10:58 PM ; 0 comments
one and a half more days!
i had a lot to say about 'perhaps love', but now i can't seem to focus on anything, thanks to the combined effects of packing breathlessly and eating chocolates. i've got the unfortunate habit of holding my breath when i'm concentrating. which means if i'm playing a particularly hard piece of music, i tend not to breathe very much, and end up slightly dizzy at the end of it. unfortunately the same goes for solving math problems. i actually hold my breath til i'm done. luckily i'm so bad at math, i stop to think (and breathe) every few lines. so the last two hours of packing really did me in. still trying to catch my breath.
ah yes, perhaps love. takeshi kaneshiro is devastatingly handsome, especially in that cap he wears. i've always hated how girls swoon over heartthrobs, but there're no two ways about it; he's one. perhaps he was too distractingly handsome. the rather complex (to my confused mind) plot that involved a lot of flashbacks and scenes from the 'musical' would probably have been better understood if i hadn't spent quite so much time appreciating his very good looks. there is something to be said about the melancholic, brooding hero with hints of suppressed passion. i guess it's like falling in love with a lit candle set in a block of ice that only you can melt. love can be so tremendously powerful. that's probably the charm of the pensive, silent brooder with dark flashing eyes; it hints of more, and you wish you could be the one to see it. hah. i am going to watch it a second time when i come back, because i'm determined to figure out the real role of the funny guy who seems to be holding all these minor yet important roles. they should have used different hairstyles or something for each time period - towards the end it was really too confusing.
andddd i found my lip butter!!! i am officially over the moon. i thought i'd lost it, and they don't sell the melon seed flavour anymore, so i was pretty sad. now i can't stop smiling. oh dear.
half a night more, then a day, then a morning, then half an afternoon. wooohooo.
i love my friends very much, i really do. excerpt of a conversation:
sam: let's go swimming!
serene and nanz: yeah! when?
sam: friday? where?
serene: erhh. mello's place?
[turning to me] all three: eh can we swim at your house on friday?
i love them very very much. they're coming over tomorrow. while i pack and have piano, most probably. and attempt to finish my book review and three drqs. arghhhh. i don't have a problem with the book review, i just need to get down to it. but econs and i don't seem to go very well. i stood so long in line for 'unreasonable sarcasm' that i missed 'common sense' and 'logic'.
10:04 PM ; 0 comments
Saturday, December 10, 2005
twoandahalfmoredays
in a few days' time, i'll be in perth!! YAY!!! do you have any idea how eleven months can seem like twenty years and yet twenty minutes, all at the same time? i can't wait to see chris and hug her again and have pillow fights and spend all day eating and talking nonstop. it's killing me to wait 2 1/2 days. then again i've waited so many months. and i have to finish my homework before i go. down to one book review and four drqs. when i think about meeting her, it somehow makes it easier to drag my mind away from endless daydreaming and reading. it helps that i have three very nice new instrumental cds - the hi-fi sound of orchestra and natural, the best of sens.
last night van and i watched oi! sleeping beauty!! the wake up musical. i wasn't too impressed at first. maybe because i am no longer five years old. i mean it was funny, in a toilet-humour kinda way. as van said, those were the kind of jokes we'd crack. nothing too intellectually stimulating, but maybe that was the point. a little too loud and brash, and self-conscious. one thing i've noticed about singaporean productions - they tend to make everything too self-consciously racially harmonic. i mean, one witch to represent each race? and the evil white witch turning out to be a lonely expat? this all too common tactic only drives home the point that we haven't reached the stage yet where we are actually as racially harmonic as we say we are. if skin colour truly didn't matter, we wouldn't have to put in so much effort to ensure that the four are always represented in this manner. and as van mentioned, you would only notice that someone was telling a racist joke if your ears were tuned to pick out the race of the person in the joke. i also found the little references to politics rather annoying. will there ever, for once, be a show or play or movie that doesn't have to keep refering to the singapore-malaysia politics (think: water issue), singaporeans' apparent inability to dream (after being constantly advertised by everyone from the ministers down, i think we've got the point already) and that doesn't have to resort to singlish to make people laugh. i doubt it speaks very well of us as a community if our artistes think that the only things that make us laugh are rude-sounding comments yelled in dialects, or broken (and barely understandable) english. fortunately, most of us can and do appreciate wit. but apart from that the show was fine. very elaborate costumes and stage props; the three fairies in drag looked positively pretty from where i was sitting, and the batik really was beautiful. there were only three parts in the entire musical that struck me. the first was when the queen realised she wouldn't live to see her daughter wake, and began singing a terribly touching song to her. okay i'm a sucker for that sort of music, but there was something about that scene. they say you should never have to bury your children, and i guess that's what she was doing, in a way. the second was when the prince had found the princess and was reading the letter left next to her. as he read it out loud, i could hear the queen dictating the letter to the royal scribe in the background, like echoes from the past. they stood to the side, like an afterthought beginning to fade, with the earlier song playing softly. somehow those two very short parts struck me as the most sincere, the most real. the rest just seemed like a huge laugh. the third part wasn't even part of the musical. as the cast danced to the last song after bowing, a little girl dropped her christmas cap, but couldn't pick it up, so she went on dancing. the cat saw this, and rushed to the front of the stage, picking it up as he went, and put it on his head, posing for the audience like it was part of the act. after that he put it back on her head as he went past. the expression on the little girl's face caught my eye; she seemed so surprised and grateful and glad all at once, and i found i was willing to write off his painfully exaggerated acting, simply because of that small act of kindness. okay that was very long. oops. i wonder if anyone survived reading to the end.
don't want something just because you can't get it; want it because you can't live without it, because you need it, because you love it.
7:05 PM ; 0 comments
Thursday, December 08, 2005
oh, tim tams!
yesterday was an excellent piece of evidence as to why ill-disciplined young children should never be left at home alone. i didn't get a stitch of work done. or the day before. or the day before either. and i should really stop here. so much for getting my homework done before leaving.
van and i went down to the spca (too) bright and early in the morning. there's a new baby there. i have no idea why i say baby when i really mean puppy, but there you have it. it's a perfectly adorable two-month-old crossbreed. and i bet someone will adopt it soon. it's too cute to resist. not that the other dogs aren't; but this particular one has such an adorable little baby face, and the way it shook its head vigorously with its toy in its mouth was awww-worthy. maternal instincts, galore! then there was a male dog with the prettiest face - and way of sitting! it crossed its legs. i am not kidding. then again, as i told van, with a name like huerd, what do you expect? i would have named it draco, with its arrogant face and stately air.
and i wish i could strangle annie. the awful girl showed me ugly pictures of tom felton. i am now traumatised for life. i never said tom felton was good looking. draco and tom felton are two very different people. takeshi kaneshiro is hot though, just to digress. anyway my point is, i'm madly in love with draco and remus as they are in fanfics, and not as they are on film or in the book. although i must say that i like draco's smirk very much. there's something about arrogant people, isn't there? it's all very banal to want something that you can't get.
last night ally and i went out to celebrate her birthday in advance. i planned to surprise her with a bumboat ride down the singapore river, but her pictures turned out a bit shaky. excellent dinner, though. after that we sat by the river and watched the water.. at least, i did. she was busy with her tripod and camera. then we decided (trust me, it took forever and three days) to just go on the boat ride anyway. uncle jay was very nice; he still remembers me, and was as friendly as ever. there was no one else on the boat, and we didn't make any other stops. we sat on the deck (is it a deck? i have no idea. the flat place in front where you aren't allowed to stand) and let the breeze whip our hair into tangled messes. being so close to the water, with no railings in front or anything to block your view, i could almost imagine myself flying. almost. the steady forward motion that ate up the river and left ripples in its wake.. and the lights all around, and silhouettes of couples standing too close by the river..
today was boring. i alternated between sleeping and eating. my conscience now demands that i have my first supper and procede with my homework. how i'll ever finish in time is beyond me. it's so much nicer to curl up somewhere, a hundred soft clouds to dream into being. and slightly chilled tim tams, of course!
8:35 PM ; 3 comments
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
it is done
*points to title* *nods sagely*
but i'd still like to thank everyone for their support. especially siti, serene, mellie, nanz, sam.. joan.. how joan came into the picture is really quite complicated.. yep. it was not as bad as expected. at least now weeks of worrying with that huge burden over my head [dare i say heart?] are over. sitting almost without moving for an hour was so tiring i cancelled my appointment and went home to sleep. going to watch harry potter tonight with my father. i want to see if draco has gone all ugly.
incidentally, i think i used to have an eyecandy who looked just like takeshi kaneshiro. i'm not kidding. i was reading the papers just now, and he really did look like him! years ago anyway. those eyebrows and eyes and hair and cheekbones and hair.. i wonder where he is now. it's been, oh, three years? don't bother pushing me for information, i have none. all i remember is that he was typically tall, dark and handsome. dark refering to his very black hair, eyes and eyebrows. i think the dark eyes and eyebrows contributed greatly to his brooding, pensive air. i should stop talking about this before ally jabs me with her elbow.
in exactly one week, chris and will be falling into each others' arms, screaming and making a big scene. to prevent the scene from being too big, maybe i should wear heels on the plane so as to hinder any instinctive running that may occur. chris, can you believe it? we're finally meeting again. =) it's been a long 11 months. and i know some people still think we're les, but that really can't be helped. it's all your fault for having short hair. and now people are going to think i'm ac/dc. =S
3:20 PM ; 5 comments
Sunday, December 04, 2005
of cockroaches on buses and other resolutions
at long last, i see the light! and i will never eat on the bus again. there was a horrible, although admittedly small cockroach on the bus. i spent a full half-hour staring at it in morbid fascination, hoping it wouldn't come too close. when it scuttled towards me, i stifled a shriek and inched closer to the unfortunate fellow on my left. i'm afraid he thought i was interested in him or something even less likely; by the end of the trip, i was perilously close to him. in fact, had the cockroach flown towards me, i would have without a doubt, let out a girlish scream and trampled over the poor soul in a wild attempt to get off the bus. or maybe i would have played the damsel in distress. my feminism does not extend to fending off the unwanted attentions of a certain family of the animal kingdom by myself. anyway he was a chinese native. how do you say 'cockroach' in mandarin? i get the feeling it isn't chang1 ying2. maybe i would have shouted gui3 [ghost] and leapt into someone's lap. and we'll never know now, because i got off the bus before anything remotely too exciting happened.
incidentally, i fell desperately in love with a pair of purple pointy-toed heels, but nanz convinced me to buy the black pair instead. all right i admit they're beautiful. and not that painful. as compared to my pixie shoes, anyway. i can't believe the sheer torture i endured for the sake of wearing those shoes. i am still going to wear them, no matter what you say. i wonder what my mother will say when she gets home from england and sees them. or my sister, for that matter. i bet my mum will tell her to borrow them when she goes to work next year. ohhh well. they were my christmas present to me. i have zero self-control. this confession does not make them any less beautiful. because beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and nothing colours your vision like love.
this song brings me back to last year, and its heady euphoria. hand on your heart. once upon a time i believed that nothing is sadder in this realm than unrequited love. then i convinced myself that requited but impossible love was sadder. now i'm back to believing the former. it's probably the result of too many love songs and fantasy novels where heroines pine away forevermore. well i'm going to be the fairygodmother. the worst reality is having your greatest fantasy come true.
8:10 PM ; 6 comments
Saturday, December 03, 2005
excitement versus the lack thereof
my life right now is rather boring. no i am not complaining. i love it boring. if it reverts back to being 'very exciting' -quote siti- and full of stomach-churning shocks, i will die. okay so i'm being melodramatic today. frankly though, after all the bovine scratology of this year, i will never complain again when i have an entire day to do nothing except read fanfic that i've read at least thrice already, until i get a bleeping headache from the glare of the computer screen. draco's wit and charm [or should i say, the author's? hmm] is worth it though. i've been wishing for a boring life vehemently for the past few weeks. now that my wish is granted, i'm not very sure what i'd thought i'd be doing with all this free time, at the point of wishing. i mean, sure i'm in one piece, not being [falsely?] accused of random crimes, or locked up in jail [this truly scared me for a very long three hours, until i realised i'm underaged for jail anyway, and who knows whom i'd fall in love with at the girls' home. i'm kidding, you homophobics], or anything else i seem to get myself into, but there's no one to talk to, now my sister's gone off. and sitting in her room is no fun when i have to sit alone, and scare myself silly looking into the mirror. yes i look that terrifying in glasses. i am not complaining of boredom.
because in a few days, things might get a little too loud and nerve-wrecking. or exciting, depending on whether you're on the recieving end of uncontrolled wrath, or a mildly interested passerby. frankly, it can only end one way. because i've decided to achieve that end, either through persuasion or plain provocation. whether or not i leave with my eardrums [and pride] intact, remains to be seen. why is it that when it's technically none of my business, i have no qualms about standing up and saying exactly what i think? but i don't trust myself as much as i trust my friends when it comes to things like the unintended consequences of my [tongue-in-cheek, mind you] comments and various misunderstandings that stem from other people's inability to appreciate [or understand, it seems] the aforementioned. i am of course being an arrogant prick, feel free to blow up my head.
i wish my sec3 teacher had never written that i need to learn tact, it has left me doubtful of my own ability to field dangerous situations ever since. of course i always say the very things most people keep to themselves, and end up in even worse trouble. except with mrs lee. for some reason she appreciated honesty and had a sense of humour. i remember vividly the hour i spent in her office, where i told her that i thought certain new rules were completely pointless, and she very patiently explained them to my sixteen-year-old mind. frankly though, i prefer pointless rules to anarchy.
i have a brilliant [and possibly foolish] idea. i'll just imagine i'm not standing up for myself, i'm standing up for someone else. it's a lot easier to protect someone you actually believe in.
10:54 PM ; 11 comments
Friday, December 02, 2005
the art of being sweet seventeen
just got back from my grandmother's nursing home. i think they still want to expel her. it's rather amusing, really. i suspect she picks fights with people because she's bored. she can't read, doesn't know how to appreciate music, and is too lazy to play cards. anyway the last time she stayed at our house, my sister caught her cheating at solitaire. and i get the feeling she doesn't want a nice big dog. what a pity. she's been refusing to sit up for ages, claiming it makes her tired. well, that was until i got tired and decided to borrow her wheelchair, and amused myself rolling all over the room. that was when she decided she wanted to get in on the fun too, and told my mother she wanted to go for a walk. hahaha. so i effectively tricked an old lady into sitting up and getting some fresh air. hooray. it's like that with kids anyway. just pretend you're having fun and they'll want to do whatever it is you're doing. banal human mentality. incidentally my grandmother looks like yoda. i suspect it upsets my mother when i tell her they look strikingly alike. my sister and mother leave for uk tonight. i'll be left here for two weeks. i'm seeing them off, but if my father doesn't come along i guess i can just get lost trying to go back via mrt. no way in hell am i taking a cab, i didn't slog at the office for two weeks just to squander my hard-earned cash. i've got this nagging feeling i'm supposed to be doing something right now. like sleeping, or something important of that sort. i think i'll go tease page. or brush her fur, since everyone says i've got a funny-furred hamster. it's not my fault she doesn't take to water very well.
12:02 PM ; 4 comments