Saturday, December 24, 2005
the grinch who hates christmas too much to steal it

yes, *points upwards* that's me. don't get me wrong. i know the True Meaning of Christmas etc etc (come on, i grew up in a church, i can practically sing every carol ever written), but i hate christmas as a festival. frankly, it annoys me. endless carols blasted from speakers that never seem to break down, endless sales that overcrowd stores.. and obligations. obligations to be nice and send christmas cards to everyone (those who recieved cards from me, i sent them because i wanted to. if you didn't recieve one, either i don't have your address ie joan and aman, or i have nothing to say to you. no offence intended, i'm trying to be honest), obligations to buy gifts (i'm terrified someone will give me something and i'll realise i forgot all about her).. basically, a lot of obligations. christmas makes me feel like the mean person i am. and it makes me think of the past year, and the christmases before. basically it makes me want to either hurl things at the wall or sit down and bawl my eyes out. remember last christmas, when we were all still together? and no one knew what this year would turn out like, no one knew what a difference distance does make, no one knew anyone would be falling in love and getting attached. sometimes i do believe that ignorance is bliss.

you and i, we're too alike, maybe. somehow your lows always mirror mine. or should i say that mine mirror yours? sometimes i think that we feel the same things at the same time. i reach for my phone to msg you, and a few seconds later i get one from you. if i were to run away, i guess i'd run away with you, because you'd know why i needed to go, and where, and you'd need it too. can i be selfish and say i don't want you to leave? because i've seen what leaving can do. what being immersed in another culture, having different experiences and priorities and basically living lives very far apart, can do to you. and i don't want that to happen with us too. am i destined to lose every single person i love? i know staying isn't really an option with you. but going isn't really an option with me. i guess there's no point dreading the future. whatever will be will be.

incidentally, i think i met the person whom i refered to some time ago. remember i said i fancied a guy who used to look like takashi kaneshiro? well i think i saw him again today, and he doesn't look like him anymore. not so cute, and definitely more punk - a earring in the (left) ear. still i sort of recognised him straight away. i'm afraid i kept staring in an attempt to convince myself that it was him. i still can't remember his name though. but i remember the christmas 3 years ago when i first saw him. isn't it funny, the things we remember? i still remember the pattern of the carpet at the office i worked at in sec3. i remember the tiny spot of blue i used to see from my window as a child, the sparkling spot my mother told me was the sea. i remember telling my parents i wanted to live on a farm and have lots of green fields around me. but i don't remember the things that society keeps telling us are important. i will never be able to memorise my math formulae.

al says i was famous for blowing up. funny, but i've really lost all the fire i used to have. now i'm just another boring wallpaperflower. there's hardly any ice left. all i do now is smile slightly and say, 'i'm okay with it'. you should never have told me to smile more. now i've lost everything that ever defined me.

if you wish me merry christmas, i will blow your brains out.
10:52 PM ; 6 comments