Saturday, December 31, 2005
so this is how it ends. the night, the month, the year.

it only struck me this evening that it's already new year's eve. i'm not looking forward to the new year, but i do not regret moving away from this one. i won't bother with resolutions this time - i never keep to them. what is a resolution, anyway? just something you know you should do, but will never do? my resolutions tend to read like a to-do list from my conscience. if i must resolve to do something, then i resolve to have the willpower, the determination and the wisdom to do what's right. no more and no less.

soon this year will be ending. if i were to be melodramatic about it (am i ever not?), i would say that it has been a pretty.. exciting year. reluctantly admitted into a school where i knew two people, none of whom were in my class or even faculty.. a school with an entirely different culture (and language), whose very building sickened me. i hated it with a passion for months. the only reason i went regularly was because i'm a 'good girl' - and i was willfully fascinated by someone's hair. if i remember anything at all about the first seven or eight months, it is that i was miserable. i cried almost every night, and relied on weekly meetings with old friends to get by. it's easy to fall back into that dark, dreamlike state. someone asked, 'when was the last time you were really happy?' and i couldn't answer. december? had it been that long? i will never know. some of us are creatures of habit. but the only thing that doesn't change, is change itself. i've always known that. but what is knowledge, if you cannot act on it, if it stays in your brain and doesn't transcend to your mind? vank, i've been thinking.. maybe that's how it happened. maybe that's when it happened. it must have been during those dark months, when i stopped caring about everything and moved even further inward, that i lost my fire. and now that i think about it, this must be me. fireless, passionless, empty. maybe the new year will fill me again. i don't know. we aren't meant to know, aren't meant to see or realise anything until we look back, because everything is so much clearer on retrospect. but i know i could never have embraced it anyway. the months leading to september were inevitable. regret is pointless, anyway.

i remained in the cca i was in for four years, because i couldn't bear the thought of joining a new one in a new school. i hate meeting new people. social events make me nauseous. literally. so remaining was an easy way out. of course now i know it was a mistake, and that cowards will always pay the full price in blood. i plan to join the interact club next year. for no specific reason except that it's a huge cca where i can blend neatly into the background, and i rather like community service.

many other, smaller, things happened. funny, but i have to rack my brains now to think of them. the little things that kept me up at night, that we agonised over. isn't it funny, how we agonised then, but laugh now? thank God for that. so, hearts are broken every day. but that is nothing new. heartbreak songs are sung by the dozen. in fact, many poets credit their best poems to heartbreaks. at the moment, it is like a white-hot rod plunged into your chest, that burns and leaves a mark that never fades. but even rods cool, and even flesh heals. of course the person in question will want to viciously kick those who say 'time heals all wounds', but it is a rare wound, and often a bitter one, that does not heal, given years and proper care. funny, but the only thing that seems to hurt more than breaking up, is having no one to break up with.

and decisions, of course, have to be made. whether or not to drop a subject that you aren't failing. whether or not to quit a cca, when it's between what you know is right, and what others expect of you. whether or not to quit a job, because you're asked to do something you aren't comfortable with. whether or not to tell the truth, because it stings like hell.

we've all changed. twelve months is forever, and a fragment of a dot on a timeline, all at the same time. we've grown, because we must. if even constant friction can cause the erosion of great rocks, we have no right to think that we as mere humans can escape growing up, growing into new selves, growing apart. it is a fact of life. frankly, i hate most facts of life. but maybe we should focus less on how we've changed, and more on how we haven't. how we're still friends, how we still laugh and joke and whack each others' arms. how we still tease each other about significant others (or hopefuls), and blush violently. the old jokes four years ago that still crack us up. good memories are written in stone, when they are shared by two or more.

frankly, and not to seem pious (which i am completely not), if there is just one thing i wish for, this coming year, it is to draw close to God, and be what He wants me to be. because i realise that i have completely no idea whom i want to be, on my own, and without an anchor, you'll soon be both lost and seasick, tossed by every slightest wind. i guess as a good start, i should take sunday school seriously, and begin with reading the teacher's materials i was given on monday, and thinking of the lesson plans i suspect i'm expected to bring up for discussion tomorrow.

most people are out now. my sister's at her company's d&d. i *cough* advised her on her outfit, ie peered at her face and complained that my glasses were too scratched to be seen through. i thought she looked very pretty in my prom dress from last year though, and the shoes i bought last month. there aren't many people who can carry off a little black dress. other people are at new year count downs. i believe i'll go to sleep extra early just to avoid having to read all those 'happy new year' messages. how do you bid something goodbye, that you never welcomed? it isn't easy welcoming something if you aren't sure about its true nature, and what it hides. but i guess i'll welcome it all the same, because you can't turn back time, or keep it from moving forward, through sheer will. who knows, it might even bring some pretty good laughs, and maybe this time next year, i'll be teasing everyone about their significant others, and enjoying pizza treats from the old girls.
8:55 PM ; 0 comments