Tuesday, January 31, 2006
whoever lied that legends of the fall would not make me cry is going to die

just finished watching legend of the falls. have wanted to watch it since sec2 when jean burnt a cd for me with its theme song in it. if i remember correctly, she told me then that it was a tragic love story. she should have said there were many tragic love stories, and even more violent deaths. the whole movie just makes me want to bang my head against a wall. i mean sure he's hot and has all that charisma, but he's mental!! and rather bestial. how can so many people love him so hard? poor alfred. he tried so hard, but he just wasn't loved as much. maybe he should have tried less, saved all that effort. the end result would still be the same, anyway. sometimes you just can't dictate love. you can't make your head tell your heart how to feel. but maybe feelings aren't everything. they come and go, then come back again, til all you're left with is confusion and uncertainty. moral of the story: be a rock, don't love. or find a rock to crawl under.

i get this nagging feeling my lit homework is due soon, and i haven't started on it. i don't really feel like writing. thinking is fine. having to express myself coherently is another matter altogether. then there's math, hmm. my math is so bad that i'm eligible for the school's math peer tutoring programme. why don't i remember being such a poor student in secondary school? this is very bad for my self-esteem. maybe i should try harder. then again who cares, my grades are between God and me. i don't think he minds that my sister got the clever, better genes.
8:59 PM ; 1 comments

Saturday, January 28, 2006
don't read if you dislike me talking about christianity and self-discovery

i'm halfway through 'i kissed dating goodbye' and i must say it's one of the best books i've read recently. i'm really glad that mellie [who is a real blessing] kept bugging me to read it. if i was convinced at the beginning of the year that romance is not on the cards for me, i'm absolutely certain now. my singlehood gives me the flexibility and freedom to develop and establish myself as a person, and to serve God wholeheartedly. a relationship would just distract me from what's important right now, and i don't have the time or energy to invest in a serious relationship. i also believe that i'm worth waiting three, even four years for. i always believed that one should date with marriage in mind, but seeing the rationale in print seals it for me. i really thank God for mellie. frankly, if it weren't for her, i'd be really discouraged with how everyone else is taking my news. they seem to think i'm mad and smile indulgently, the way they do about my ambition. the two are very much related. maybe i'm not as sane outwardly as most people, but i'm real. i have flesh and blood, i breathe, i feel. i hate feeling patronised. either support or oppose me outright. i know what i'm doing. i finally know what i'm doing. i'm trying to share what i've learnt with them, but they just laugh and keep playing the world's game. funny i care more about them getting hurt than they do. i pray that God opens their eyes and hearts.

i've decided:
1. no more romance novels / love movies / fairytales / love songs. they just make you discontented with what you have, when they're just pretty lies. besides, if we all followed God's plans for us, there would be no such thing as heartbreak, so we wouldn't need sad love songs. i don't even know why i listened to them when they don't apply to me.
2. to embrace my singlehood and focus on serving God and establishing myself as a person until i'm at least 21.
3. to apply for a mission trip as soon as possible, so that there's time to attend the necessary training. and also to research on more mission organisations for long-term service. i'm trying to find singaporean ones, if anyone knows of any.
4. to stop swearing. really. and be more morally upright. this probably means less cracking jokes about things i really shouldn't even consider. like genocide and homicide and bombs.

you probably feel like telling me to go shove something like a hot poker up my arse right now, but that's okay, i feel fantastic today. it's good to know where you're going. it's even better to know that it's God-approved. i really owe a lot to you, mel. you've gotta help keep me on track - remind me of what's really important every time i lose focus.

but this doesn't mean that i'm going to embrace shopping in crowds and all that. i still dislike noise and crowds. and incidentally i was rather annoyed that the newspaper published a report on the green areas of singapore. now everyone is going to flood the botanic gardens and i shall be very annoyed.
9:41 PM ; 0 comments

Friday, January 27, 2006
and all the colours of the wind

in point form, this is how the day went:

• went to school
• was exceedingly amused by how self-conscious people are in casual clothes
• stepped into the central plaza for all of five minutes [if it weren't for jan, i would have avoided the noise and crowd entirely]
• sat at the class bench and people-watched the rest of the time
• ate at fish n co. with the class and junior class
• sat with nanz on the grass at the botanical gardens until the honking swans scared her [why do they scare everyone? they're just swans.. honk back!], whereupon she insisted we sit on the wooden bench instead

it's a little hard to form complete sentences with the song i'm currently playing on the computer. but everyone seemed very tickled with my tshirt. it's the one i wear a lot - the one that says 'if you love something / set it free / if it doesn't come back / hunt it down / and kill it. of course, my version would include torture of some sort. unfortunately, most people seemed convinced that the shirt suits me very well. i'm starting to wonder if people see me as a serial (and very dangerous) killer with a psychotic streak. please note that i may be calculatedly violent and i do carry sharp things around me for safety reasons, but i am a perfectly balanced individual. with the emotional stability of 1/10, according to my 16pf results that are freakily accurate.

the second segment of the hwachong wushu performance involved the use of 'allegretto' by bond. as soon as the song came on, a thousand memories washed over me and i started shaking (because i'm one of those highly excitable people who tremble like leaves for no reason all the time). i suddenly felt about sixteen years old, remembering the way the eight of you had looked on the floor that afternoon, blue skirts and coloured shirts, twirling, swirling, a flash of movements. watching you execute those well-practiced movements, feeling each step as if my own feet were dancing along with yours. that last, final bow. how can i not remember? i was so proud of you i couldn't contain myself, and i burned that moment into my memory. some things are never forgotten.

lunch was fine. felt a bit trapped because of the awkward seating arrangement, but i tried not to let it bother me. being able to see outside the huge glass panes really helped. but i'm still not going to make social outings a permanent fixture on my calendar. a classmate was nice, but i guess i'm not very good at appreciating thoughtful gestures because i'm so determined to prove that i'm an independent woman. which i am, by the way, completely and utterly. i can take care of myself. i don't need you to open doors for me, but i won't let you slam them in my face either.

nanz is scared of the swans. i still haven't met anyone who isn't. sighhh. and what's so odd about me talking to the swans? i talk to dogs and cats and hamsters and erh yeah living creatures, including plants. they can pick up your tone even if they don't understand your words.. anyway i know everyone thinks i'm crazy because i love the back of the botanical gardens, but here are some points in its favour: 1. it's scenic. a definite plus, because there's nothing like seeing greens and blues and all the colours of the wind. 2. it's also generally quiet. people hardly go there except to jog (with their dogs, hurrahh!!) or picnic. you can hear yourself think. hell, you can hear yourself breathe. it's great for conversations that you don't want to be overheard. 3. it's not that hot. really. 4. fresh air! 5. the birds look pretty cool from afar, especially when they fly together across the sky. the fact that they are really quite ugly close up should not affect you enough to throw up. 6. how can anyone resist sitting on the grass and watching the birds fly low over the water, letting their wings skim across its surface??

i want a dog. to watch the sunset with. i can just imagine it, the two of us sitting side by side on a rock, silhouetted against the setting sun.. i call it 'Girl and Dog'. very creative, i know.

i keep playing this song because it reminds me of a time when we attended campfires and danced all night and i didn't care about crowds and noise and i screamed my lungs out side by side with you. i wanna be bad, by willa ford.

8:39 PM ; 5 comments

Thursday, January 26, 2006
just send in the damned clowns already

i've got one of those nausea-inducing migraines that bind themselves around your head like they hate you and want to suffocate your brain. normally when that happens, i bang my head against the wall. it isn't working this time. maybe i'll go back to sleep when i've gotten my songs.

thanks, dipsy, for being such an angel today =D. she actually volunteered to do my jian bao [in meticulously perfect chinese handwriting] for me while waiting for her training to start. at first i thought she was pulling my leg, and was rather taken aback when she really started writing it out. oh well, i owe you one, dipsy. nothing too embarrassing please. you've got a lot to blackmail me with. so yes thank you for spending the 1 1/2 hours listening to me being random and watching me get all agitated and accidentally clench my hands too hard. i will attempt to be more normal [sequential?] in future.

you're smiling wider than ever, laughing harder than ever, and everyone's all happyhappy. who's to know who plays uno stacko, and who plays johnnyoops?

the hole in my finger from accidentally stabbing myself in lit still hurts. i swear it was accidental. i was playing with a piece of wire on the table, and it went into my thumb. the blood tasted like iron. huiying, who has forgotten her bio, claims blood tastes coppery, but she didn't want to taste it for herself to see. anyway it makes me look like aurora, with a prick on her finger from a spindle. pity i didn't fall into a hundred-year-long slumber. could've used the sleep.
8:50 PM ; 0 comments

Tuesday, January 24, 2006
there ought to be clowns; send in the clowns

i'm still sending in the clowns. hahaha.

shit maybe i do get obsessive about songs. my father's been crazy about 'a whiter shade of pale' for months. seriously. he makes me play it on the piano while he strums the guitar [okay the combination's pretty good], and he plays it on the computer and in the dining room. almost as fanatic as me. and then he plays it on the harmonica. i suspect my neighbours have 911 on speed-dial.

but i'm finally learning how to play the harmonica! hahaha seriously. i just have to figure out how to breathe.

my sister's been hanging around my room for the past few hours, talking about school. i told her about cherie's 'toss and toss' [pronounced toast and toast], and we shrieked with laughter. amazingly our parents haven't come in yet to chase us off to bed.

and yes, fourteenth feb.. it's a date.
10:38 PM ; 2 comments

Monday, January 23, 2006
sorry my dear, but where are the clowns?


8:45 PM ; 0 comments

Saturday, January 21, 2006
what's the colour of your eyes?

i honestly don't know where yesterday's good mood went. i slept in today because i liked the dream so much i didn't want to wake up. i do that sometimes - consciously extend dreams. but someone once said that if you laugh before breakfast, you'll cry before dinner.

we met to celebrate jan's birthday [very belatedly] today. i know it's crazy, the weather is horrible and the humidity could frizz up a doll's hair, but i honestly do like sitting on grass and watching the sky and water and trees. unfortunately the bugs and birds seemed to bother the others. i'm not scared of birds, i just think that pigeons are very ugly. jan and i compared our 16pf results - she complained that she's too average, and i complained that i'm too exteme. i wonder if there's anyone on earth who actually loves and accepts herself completely for who she is. that person would have one hell of a big ego.

had to go for a reunion dinner after that. i think i said about 20 words in 2 or so hours. the noise was overwhelming. even after we'd left, my ears were still ringing from the clatter and chatter. i hate crowds and i hate noise, and i hate them together. it seems that chinese are incapable of having quiet, civilised reunions. or maybe the restaurant tried to stuff too many people into one room. ever felt noise pressing against you like a solid wave, threatening to crush you? after an hour of trying to hear myself think, i was on the brink of crying from the sheer force of the overwhelming noise. two hours later, i was contemplating genocide. i don't even know what i'm doing online when i haven't quite prepared for my sunday school lesson tomorrow. or done any homework. and i'm supposed to present some econs essay thing that i haven't done, on monday. plus tomorrow's my sister's birthday and we're going out to celebrate. i congratulate myself daily on my superb time management.

oddly enough, these lyrics struck me yesterday:
I'm staring out at the sky (I see you baby)
Praying that he will walk in my life
Where is the man of my dreams (right here) yea-yeah
I'll wait forever, how silly it seems
How does he laugh? How does he cry? What's the color of his eyes?
Does he even realize I'm here?
Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?
Where is this beautiful guy?
Who is he? Who is he? Who is gonna take me so high?

why do we all wait for something that isn't going to come walking in through the door? in ever after, the prince was angsting away about soulmates. basically he said everything i ever wondered about. and the truth is, if it's meant to be, it'll just be. don't ask me what i'd do if my soulmate were non-christian, because that isn't going to happen. if he's my soulmate, he'll be christian and witty and he'll share my warped sense of humour and want to serve alongside me in a developing country, so there.

why do i compromise everything except my unrealistic dreams? sorry i'm not all chirpy today. i miss everyone terribly. i would give the rest of the hair on my head to see the plc03/04 right now.
10:35 PM ; 2 comments

Friday, January 20, 2006
the point is, they lived

all right, i'm feeling much better today, really. no more talk of darkness. hmm why do i think of the phantom of the opera? there's a guy in the right wing who plays the starting chords of the phantom of the opera on the guitar everyday. it's starting to grow on me. there's something about a guy who can play a musical instrument.

it was annie's birthday today. happy birthday annie! =D we gave her several gifts - a photo collage [candy's idea, but i helped hurhur], and some gifts. i wanted to do something special [because you're only 18 once, and i didn't really have time to make anything, and birthdays are meant to mean something more than cake and presents], so i got candy and sumin to make her walk from their geog tutorial to the avt [sorry i didn't know the distance was that great] with her eyes closed. when they'd gotten her seated in there, still with her eyes closed, i started playing tonghua [this chinese song that she likes; i'd gotten the score from aman]. when she opened her eyes, she started crying, and then i didn't know what to do, so i just kept on playing, but by then i'd gotten all nervous and agitated and i started playing wrong notes so it was really embarrassing. oh well. at least she liked it. sort of. does crying count as liking it? or maybe it was so painful that she started crying. oh well. it was a fun birthday anyway. for us. cutting the cake and giving her retarded and embarrassing gifts. why is it that our friends' birthdays always have more significance than our own?

watched 'ever after'. i don't really like drew barrymore, but that's not the point. the score was rather moving, not to mention the landscape. and oh i like the servant boy. the prince was a bit of a royal pain in the ass, and cinderella was rather pitiful, although she was likeable as a child. but i like the twist to the story. it's a lot more realistic. but i've been thinking, what if it was true? think about mulan. she defied the highest authorities to do what she thought was right. why couldn't cinderella have existed, have attended the ball, have stolen the prince's heart? but it's really more realistic that he should reject her first. i mean, isn't that human nature? what is love, without trust? but then you have to wonder if you even earned that trust first. i like this line from the movie. the last line: ' the point is, they lived.' it came after something about them living happily ever after.
10:43 PM ; 8 comments

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


let's see. haircut was bad. pretty traumatic, really. i would really appreciate it if everyone would stop teasing me about it. now. it's not like i don't cringe whenever i happen to glance at my own reflection. so you don't have to keep reminding me about it. and my eye's slightly infected so i've been wearing glasses. the combined effects are.. unfortunate. i can't tolerate being twitted about my looks. if you want to insult my intellect, that's fine, i can defend myself. but if you insult the way i look.. well the evidence speaks for itself, unfortunately.

it's one of those black, black weeks.

i wish i didn't wish so hard.

how can someone who means so much to me, hurt me simply by being? i don't begrudge her anything. i just resent being left with nothing.
9:47 PM ; 6 comments

Saturday, January 14, 2006
the art of alchemy

last night was the orientation campfire night. i hadn't meant to stay for that, but there is much to be said about the persuasiveness of my classmates (really just mari, candy and annie), whose combined forces have often made it easier for me to just be sociable and skip the nagging. i stayed behind with candy because she didn't want to stay alone while the others had other things on. we were supposed to mug. well she did, sort of. i read through the revenger's tragedy (which i find immensely funny) before i got distracted by the way the huge tree outside our bench looks against the sky. its trunk twists to the right, but the branches reach upwards and out to the sky. i always wanted to be an artist, to paint the sunlight on the water, and the wind that kisses the soft new leaves. a picture paints a thousand words - words are, afterall, a level below pictures.

well back to the campfire. the j1s were really enthusiastic. hooray for them. i haven't yelled or cheered or danced like no one's watching in a while. two years, to be exact. my dislike for crowds and noise has intensified since i stopped going to campfires, and i've become more sensitive to smoke. i never thought i'd be this way. but i guess it's easy to let your hair down when all your friends are equally insane, if not more, and they've seen you at your best and at your worst - heck, they've even seen you in your underwear. this is your thanks, plc 03/04.

anyway the campfire was nice, yadda yadda bang bang go read someone else's blog. after that we went to kap and had a supper of sorts with the junior class. i confess that i still don't know half of them, much less their names. then again i still don't know the names of half my seniors. while i'm in the confessing mood, i might as well confess to feeling guilty about being such an evil twat to everyone in general and people who don't know me in particular. if you wanted to be psycho-analytic about it, you might conclude that i am unbearably sarcastic and hurtful in order to avoid being hurt. and unfriendly because i don't know how to be friendly. so umm, my bark is worse than my bite, unless you try to bite my friends, in which case i will bite off your head without hesitation. anyway i only thought about it because i haven't been nice to the juniors. hell, i've been pretty prickly. then i tried to be nice to my mortal because su min told me he was a small, serious looking guy, but i don't know how to be nice to someone i don't know, so i ended up sounding schizophrenic. i guess i'll try harder to actually be a normal human being in future.

i've been listening to sad love songs, and these are the lyrics stuck in my head:

'i could build a tower out of steel and stone, but trying to build a bridge to you is something i can't seem to do. if i could turn this dust to gold, you'd see it clearly - trying to earn your love is just like trying to learn the art of alchemy.' - the alchemist

'maybe when time goes by, i'll understand.. let's pretend that i've moved on, and i'll tell myself that life goes on without you.' - i run away

by the way, i was thinking of cutting my hair. short. like what my mother has been pestering me to do for years. i mean, i honestly waste a lot of water and shampoo on my hair, plus it's a bother to maintain (ie dry and comb and somehow tie up). i shouldn't let traumatically bad short hair in primary school still influence me.. right? two years ago, the hairdresser wanted to cut my hair short, pageboy style. she asked, 'ni xiang xing wo ma?' (my han yu pin ying may be wrong, but it means do you trust me), and i said, no, fast. so she left my hair long, but in a pageboy style. it wasn't that awful. since i have an obsession with cutting my hair (i'm convinced it somehow helps, but there is little evidence of anything positive, except that my hair grows pretty fast), i might as well cut it short just once, for fun, and whine for years after that while growing it out again.. right? i really don't know. but i have this premonition that if i do cut my hair, i won't get an offer, even if it doesn't turn out horrifically hideous. people seem to prefer girls with long hair. okay, i give up, mari. you're right. i'm obsessed with my hair. i just spent an entire paragraph on it, and i haven't even decided on anything yet. kick me.
8:40 PM ; 4 comments

Tuesday, January 10, 2006
random ramblings

i wrote a nice long paragraph about how anal i am about things like noise and crowds and great gaggles of giggling girls (i love alliteration) yesterday, before i dropped my mouse and it stopped working. well it was only half spoilt, but i got pissed off and threw it across the room, which made it stop working completely. somehow my father fixed it this afternoon, though. anyway i can't really remember what i was whinging on about, except that mari said i'm anal during lit lect yesterday. are you considered anal if spaces before question marks disturb you? now that i think about it, i really am quite anal about some things. like how the threads of my cross stitch must always point in the same direction so it looks smooth in the light. hmm.

it also turns out that i'm allergic to the one thing i love. okay i exaggerate, i love more than one thing, but it's true, i'm allergic to page. i found out last year while helping out at the pakistan relief thing that i'm allergic to dust, but i never thought my inability to smell anything, coupled with my slight breathing problems might have anything to do with my beloved hamster. my mother said rather triumphantly, ' i told you not to keep her in your room!' and promptly broke both our hearts. page is now outside my room, where she is free to shed as much fur as she likes. but i'm still determined to have a dog when i grow up. what's a slight allergy anyway? it hasn't affected my quality of life that much - it's nice to walk past stench (by this i mean sweaty tchs / hc guys) and not notice. the doctor insisted on giving me medication though. i refused to take the nasal spray. i bet it costs more than we can afford. as it is, i suspect i'm allergic to my allergy medicine. how ironic. either that, or it's too strong. the second dose nearly knocked me out, and i've been all migraine-y and nauseous and tingly ever since. with my kind of luck, i'll probably end up fainting during pe tomorrow, or doing a merlion. i wish i could weasel out of pe, but there would go my new year resolution.

i want to learn to play the harmonica. i tried the guitar two years ago, but my one-octave hands were pretty useless. the harmonica is a logical alternative, as it's even smaller and lighter. i confess to fantasies of sitting on a rock facing the sunset, with the orange and red glow all around, playing romance d'amour. the original fantasy involved romance d'amour on the guitar, the crashing waves, my faithful (and non-existent) dog and lots of stars in the night sky. i curse my one-octave hands. anyway i figured if i went to a developing country, i would miss music the most after books, so a handy harmonica might solve that slight problem.

i realise i ramble a lot. my apologies?

by the way, happy birthday, siti! and selamat hari raya haji! yay!!! hahaha. you're eighteen. i know you're still delusional about your grand old age, but the truth will sink in eventually - like when you watch your first m18 movie. you're officially the oldest sheep i have ever known. then again, i don't know any other sheep.
10:15 PM ; 4 comments

Saturday, January 07, 2006


i'll do this quickly, because my sister is waiting impatiently to get online. her computer went wonky on her.

anyway i fell asleep just now and dreamt that i went to cambodia on a mission trip after a's, and in the course of two months, i fell in love (HAHAHA) with this person who was on the trip with me. the night before we were to leave, the villagers threw a small party for us, and after that we sat on the shore, watching the stars together. as it was a dream, all love was requited and we returned with promises to be friends, if nothing else. we eventually returned to the cambodian village as teachers, and lived happily ever after.

i'm still snorting with laughter over my hilarious little dream. if it does happen, i swear i'll believe in fairytales all over again. by the way, i know some people (i mean you, siti) will be interested to know what the guy in my dream looked like (oops i forgot to mention it was a guy, but it was. interesting, no?), but all i remember is that it didn't matter to me. he fufilled the criteria though.

i want a big black dog.
11:31 PM ; 7 comments

Friday, January 06, 2006


i went to school for a grand total of 7 hours, only to spend 1 1/2 of those hours academically. not that i'm a huge fan of skipping classes (there aren't that many to skip now), but because math lecture was cancelled and i had no classes til 1pm. after that we met our junior class, whereupon we proceeded to bore each other silly. i foresee myself losing my temper very often in the following months, because i can't stand noise and crowds, and now there are 980 odd new students in the school, and they'll crowd around the benches and hog up the canteen and i won't be able to breathe, and get all claustrophobic and grouchy and eventually kill everyone. yup. but interestingly enough, my neighbour is in j1. i talked to her on the way home for the first time in our very long lives. i figured that if we were going to be in the same school for a year, i might as well be friendly.

i want a big black dog. and maybe a cat. normally i prefer dogs to cats, but after cheeko (chris' neighbour's cat), i realised that cats can be pretty sweet too. and they move with such grace and sure-footedness, not like some dogs, although they can be so adorable in their clumsiness. somehow every move is deliberate; whether rubbing their heads against your hand, or gently putting your wrist in their jaw. i haven't figured out why animals seem to like putting my wrist in their jaws, but as long as they don't bite down and i bleed to death or die of rabies, i'm fine.
9:47 PM ; 4 comments

Tuesday, January 03, 2006
the first of the last

i have been told that my posts are getting too angsty. um. oops? my deep and sincere apologies to those who prefer light and fluffy posts. but i guess i needed to angst it out of my system before school? fortunately today was a pretty good day. i rather like our chinese teacher - she reminds me of my p1 chinese teacher. although she must think we're mentally deficient or something. ahem. kudos for not asking my race though. our new pc teacher seemed fine, but i'm rather disappointed somehow.. irrationally disappointed at that. there is absolutely nothing wrong with her whatsoever (so far), except that she doesn't look like a poet! from her poetry (mainly freeverse from what i recall), i thought that she'd be pretty young, with long black hair and huge eyes peering out from behind large silver glasses, and long flowy skirts and unique blouses. as it turns out, she has short hair, regular glasses, and dresses like a science teacher. no offence intended. disappointment is irrational, really. whoever said poets had to be glamorous?
7:55 PM ; 4 comments

Monday, January 02, 2006
dreams are made and used and wasted

it is very reluctantly sinking into me that the school year *gasps* begins tomorrow. go hang yourselves, you stupid chirpy morons. i'm characteristically grumpy, my table and desk are in huge messes, i can't find my homework, and i haven't finished some of it anyway. oddly enough i honestly wanted to do my book review but now i can't be bothered to. i mean, i've got a book in mind, i've got my opinions, but i'm lazy to write them down. epitome of laziness.

doesn't it scare you, how you can't just muck about anymore? in primary school, we played and had fun and fought with the boys from the school next door, and sat for our psle. in lower sec, we played and had fun and teased our friends about the boys from the school next door. then came the selection of our subject combinations. i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life, and all i knew was that i didn't want to leave my friends, so i chose triple science. after o's, we had to decide between arts and science. i shocked everyone with my decision. others chose less *coughs* startling paths to walk. and now, here we are. less than a year to a's. the trouble is, we have to more or less decide what we want to do with our lives, so that we can apply for the relevant courses in time. which is when it really and truly struck me that i have absolutely no ambition whatsoever. and that i had better pray really and truly hard.

when i was a kid, i wanted to write. this is not the cue to burst out laughing. i'm serious. i wanted to write. i wrote stories all the time, in a little cloth notebook that my aunt gave me to write in. i think she bribed me with sweets to get me started. i guess that's why i've always favoured notebooks to scribble in. you can slam them shut, lock them up, burn them. by the time i was twelve and my english teacher was telling me to read english in the university, i was convinced that i wanted to be a writer or a poet. someone should have told me that if love doesn't pay the baker, bovine scratology scrawled in little notebooks definitely doesn't. there went my first childhood dream. then i wanted to be a teacher, then a lawyer, then a psychologist, then a therapist, then an air stewardess, then a nun, then a hermit. then my mother asked me to consider teaching. i wanted to be an indian chief. funny thing about experiences is that their effects are inescapable. after going to perth, i decided that i want to see stars and not satelites at night. after volunteering at two different associations, i decided that volunteer work makes me happy. and after working during the holidays a couple of times, i decided that i don't want to work in an office. thus my latest ambition. i want to teach english in a developing country, preferably african or southeast asian.

this is not the cue to laugh. amazingly, when i told my parents over dinner, they didn't shoot me down. there was barely a ripple of interest. their lack of disapproval was very suspicious. please note that they have never approved of most of my unlikelier ambitions, namely that of being an air stewardess (fine, i'm too short, but back then i thought i might grow), nun or indian chief. so i was obviously very disturbed by the calm with which they addressed the issue. even when i told them i would probably die there a spinster. but dry humour aside, i really do want to teach english in a developing country. like vietnam. or cambodia. why not? i could learn their language, their culture. i would see stars at night, and the sky around me. and at the risk of sounding pig-headed.. i want to make a difference. there. i've just blown my own mean-as-hell, uncaring and arrogant cover. darn. but.. i suspect this is another path i'll be walking alone. you girls pretty much left me on my own, when you decided to follow your science-based dreams and i didn't.

i resolve to do my book review, find my school uniform and pack my bag before midnight.
7:28 PM ; 3 comments