Wednesday, March 01, 2006
aftermath

i'm incredibly proud of her, but somehow it's a lot harder to show it than if it were my friend, for an example. maybe because i expected stellar results from her anyway. she's the sort who can expect fantastic results. when she got 10a1s for o levels, i hugged her. this is significant because we aren't a very touchy pair of siblings. but when she came home that night, i gave her a little stuffed pink piglet and hugged her. this year i didn't buy her anything because i'm broke and anyway a third of her stuffed toys were bought by me and she just leaves them at the foot of her bed and kicks them around at night. but i'll probably make a card when i've formulated my thoughts. i'm not a very demonstrative person, and it's even worse in speech. it would be so much easier to scream and jump around and hug her tight, if we didn't live in the same house. because the excitement dies down somehow, and the awkward silent void that comes in its wake just isn't worth it, somehow. at least with friends, you leave them behind and go home to your own quiet (except for the music) and solitary (except for the phone and computer and occasional sister) room. i guess it's just weird to let her know how important her results are to me (because they are important to her, and not because i'm masochistic), because she has enough friends for that. it's easier to show how you feel when you aren't bloodsisters. it's paradoxical how the closer you are related to a person, the closer you are in some ways, but the more closed up you are in other ways.

it would be good if she could go, would go, but i'm going to miss her terribly. i've never known life without my older sister. and that's 17 1/2 years' worth of it. i cried every morning in childcare when she went to nursery. every. single. morning. i think the childcare people didn't know what to with me. at first i cried only after she left. then i cried as she was leaving. finally i started crying as soon as we arrived, because i knew she would be leaving. i was what, 3 years old? but i still remember how i cried and clung to her, and how she just went up that bus every morning. so i don't cry and cling anymore. well, i cry to other people and cling with my heart. she should go. she'd be wasted here. she wants to go. i'm scared she will but i'm scared she won't. am i always this confused and incoherent?

by the way, i can stop taking chinese now. thank God!
8:37 PM ; 2 comments