Thursday, March 09, 2006
blame it on the weather(man)

hot, humid days make people crabby. jan was crabby two mornings in a row. this is significant because she usually has the patience and tolerance of a very polite mule. and this is a compliment because i can't think of anything more patient and tolerant. in fact, it has become so unbearably hot and humid yet eye-drying that i have been hiding out in the library in a somewhat vain attempt to escape the heat. the strangest characters hang out there. yesterday i was having math peer tutoring (yes yes, bad enough to be eligible, etc) at one of the long tables, when i heard (male) giggling from behind and slightly to the side. when i got up to leave, i was very amused to find two guys sitting side by side with their heads close together, whispering and giggling girlishly. i mean, who sits side by side at a long table unless they are 1) tutoring or being tutored, 2) sharing a secret or 3) interested in each other and hence the instinctive need for proximity.

well, i guess we could continue blaming the weather for everything. just finished dinner, am now polishing off a bag of kettle chips - i blame the weather. gp exam tomorrow. i like not having to prepare for it, but i have this vague sense of impending doom. i have this tendency to write absolute rubbish at the most critical times, ie exams. it's all right for people to clap others very enthusiastically on the back and cry, 'believe in yourself!' - they aren't the ones who have to do the believing in admittedly less-than-talented/lucky individuals.

have you ever thought, what if who we are is fundamentally inexcusable? we like to blame everyone and everything except ourselves. our genes, our family background, our past experiences, everything. but what if who and what we are today has more to do with ourselves, our personalities, our inherent beings, than everything else that we blame? and then we blame our personalities. when people tell me off for being cynical and hostile, i retort that i'm a melancholic. they tell us not to change ourselves, because there is no 'right' or 'wrong' personality. just that phelgmatics seem to have a better time. i know i should believe in myself, because it's stupid to let your lack of confidence be the millstone around your neck, but where is the line between unwarranted arrogance and self-confidence? insult yourself, laugh at yourself, hurt yourself, so that even if others do it to you, it won't matter anymore, can't matter, because you'd have done it to yourself first.

if love is supposed to make you so strong, why does it make me feel vulnerable? loving is putting yourself, your heart out there on the line, and it's a little like playing russian roulette. you've just got to take the chance, and what if you're too terrified of the consequences to? you don't know if you'll end up in heaven or hell, and it's a one-way street either way, taking the chance on loving another human being. our imperfections rub off on each other, blunt each other's knife-points and smoothen the rough edges. but they also rub against each other, til there's a fire that either warms or engulfs you. maybe i'm being a tad cynical, but it's realistic. so what do you choose? a love that may (or may not) be Love, or the safety of never knowing the difference?

incidentally, i enjoy kenny g's music very much. about as much as i enjoy richard clayderman's. that is supposed to say a lot. sometimes when i'm just sitting there at the classbench listening to music on my ipod, i imagine things as they used to be, as they could be, perhaps, except i haven't the guts to realise my own dreams. and the pale wisps of clouds move across the sky and disappear.

you judge me, but you don't even know me. that's okay, because we all judge. i judge you too, i don't know you, and i don't want to know you, i don't even want to judge you, but i can't help it, none of us can, it's a reflex action that helps protect us. judgements.. who's to say who's right and who's wrong, the difference between moderation and disinterest, where it ends and where it all begins?
7:13 PM ; 0 comments