Friday, March 31, 2006
if love was red

i'll never understand why the very thing i'm looking for is the one thing i'll never be able to see.

we look so young in those pictures, so very young and happy, and we're laughing and holding each other close, and i'm wondering why i never learnt how to smile into a camera. the younger you are, the faster you grow. you can literally watch seven-year-olds grow by the week. by the time you're seventeen, you grow by the month, but the change is still noticable. i thought of writing a letter to my twenty-five-year-old self, a la emily of new moon. then i realised.. what if i hadn't achieved all i'd set out to do? what if i were miserably tied down to a job i didn't love, in a place i didn't belong, and all my friends were blissfully married and i were all alone? reading a tongue-in-cheek, mildly caustic letter from my old romantic self would probably result in instant suicide. no, i can't risk that at all. (but somehow i can't bear to think of giving up my dreams and hopes and ambitions, because i am nothing without my ideals.)

you are what i am, yet everything i'm not. you confuse me. or maybe i confuse myself about you. i hate being confused. i wish everything were crystal clear and equally pleasant. i also wish i'd stop digging myself into holes.

gp was pretty fun today. haven't gotten so worked up in a while. it felt pretty good to vent it all out fairly legitmately, everything that's been happening recently, and that i've been trying to hold in. as a christian, i know that homosexuality is biblically wrong, and my christian values shape my thought and belief system etc. but it's quite an issue to me, because i've come to see that it isn't really something that you can control. you can't control love, you can't pen it in and pin it down. feelings, anyway. you can't determine whom you're gonna fall in love with, and who's gonna make your day. feelings are just too elusive, too changeable, too frightening. i recognise that love is more than feelings - it's a whole lot of committment and well, love. but that doesn't mean gays don't love each other either. it may be perverse in the sense that it doesn't seem to follow the natural order, but come on, look at gene mutation. do you see anyone being condemned for having mutated genes? you can't help being naturally drawn to certain sorts. even straight people can't explain their natural attractions. like i prefer quiet guys, because i like to believe that still waters run deep, but i can't explain why i prefer 'deep', i just do. similarly, how can you expect a gay to explain an inherent attraction? i'm not suggesting that we encourage it as a lifestyle, i'm suggesting that we accept them regardless of their tendencies. do you honestly think that condemning them is going to make anything better? you're just sending them straight into each others' comforting arms, and offering it as an alternative lifestyle for rebels without a cause. love the sinner, hate the sin.

the week has passed so quickly. and yet not at all. should start sleeping at a sane hour. if wishes were wings.. well, they aren't. i like savage garden.
10:11 PM ; 0 comments