Tuesday, March 14, 2006
keep watching from your picket fence

ever thought we try too hard to grow up too fast? or maybe we don't try. maybe the world forces us to. i know, decades ago i'd be married to some pig farmer (who'd probably resemble his charges) and already have twin children and a household to run, but that was a different society altogether. the girls spent their entire childhoods preparing to be wives and mothers. frankly i think we're better prepared to be careerwomen and go-getters than anything else. sure, human nature hasn't changed much, youth will always be angsty and rebellious (according to our famed greek philosopher), but some expectations have changed. and we've learnt from their past. we try so hard to avoid all their mistakes, try to vaccine ourselves against the evil onslaught of the world, but what if we're meant to make those mistakes, meant to learn something, gain some inner strength from them? some things can't be learnt, although they can be taught. sure, we save a lot of time (and hurt) by avoiding pretty obvious pitfalls. but we're missing out on what can be considered an experience. so how do you weigh them up, then? time versus experience?

sometimes i think we're meant to drift away, we're meant to be alone. loneliness is the human condition. it's inevitable. we'll never be able to stay at each other's side forever. it's physically and realistically impossible. is that why we seek solitude? i've been thinking about cliques and primary school and how things don't always change. little girls can be so mean. i remember standing in the minimart near my home one night, asking my mother to buy me a small packet of twisties for recess the next day so that someone would want to eat with me. the worst part is, i didn't even think it was pathetic to want to be wanted so much, and to be obviously disliked. i was what, seven or eight. the popular girls (how they got to be popular, i will never know, because i don't remember any of them) always had people to eat with them. but i'd have to sidle up to someone just before recess and coax them into a conversation in the hopes of following them into the canteen. yet i remember distinctly that i had a 'best friend'. her name was clara. but somehow that didn't quite solve my recess woes. i don't know where she went. maybe we ate together sometimes. i don't know why i didn't just walk off by myself. better to suffer silence than fools. but at eight, i cared too much about what others thought. i didn't want to be called a freak. i just wanted to fit in, and thinking about it now makes me want to slap that little girl i was, and scream that you don't have to be liked, you don't have to belong, you don't have to care, because those people don't matter.

the popular girls had all the fun. they were admired, exclusive, untouchable. and they had fun simply because they were exclusive. they didn't have to think about anyone else. don't deny that selfishness lends an edge to happiness. because it does. when you don't have to think about others. heck, i think about my secondary school days, and i know part of my happiness was because i was so eager to keep us together, to keep others out, so i'd never have to worry about whom i was gonna eat with, who would call me at night, who would take the bus home with me. they hated us on some level, and we didn't care, on another. because we were all that we needed, and we didn't really want to care that maybe someone else needed us, needed someone. i remember the first day of p3. we were playing whacko as an icebreaker. i was whipping my head around, trying to figure out who was whom. i heard voices, hissing, 'look at her eyes'. i'd always gotten into trouble with teachers and elders over my intense stare, but it wasn't til then that it occured to me that i could carve out a niche for myself with it. now that i think about it, it wasn't too bad a move. it's ensured that i'll never be the groveling pathetic fool i was. people leave you alone when they think you're cold. people don't question when you walk off by yourself, when you reappear alone.

i just wish i'd never had to ask my mother to buy me twisties so that someone would eat recess with me. why didn't she say something then? she could have refused to buy it and forced me to learn to be independent and self-sufficient. she could have said, they don't matter. why didn't she? primary school teaches you a lot of things. 1. you can be close to someone without actually liking them. 2. girls are mean. they like to talk behind your back and whisper malicious lies. but that's okay, because nothing matters if you don't let it. 3. hurt yourself first, so that nothing anyone ever says or does can ever hurt you, simply because you've done it to yourself already. 4. always have an insult or two ready on the tip of your tongue, because you never know when you might need it. and have a counter-insult lined up just behind it, because people are so predictable. 5. friends are nice, but they're human too, so depend on yourself first and foremost. 6. if you never hope, you'll never be disappointed. 7. if you never smile, people will appreciate your laugh that much more.

i can't say everything i learned was correct. most people would disagree violently with me. but that's okay, because you don't have to follow my poor example. i'm just glad that i will never ever say anything as ridiculous as 'mummy, can you please buy this so that someone will want to eat recess with me tomorrow?'.

on a lighter note, we overheard something extremely funny yesterday. a few children were fooling around in the pool, when a sudden shriek rang in the air, 'are you nuts?? why did you kick me in the head??' we burst out laughing. if it had been a typical singaporean teenaged male, there would probably have been a sandpapery growling of 'what the f***!' followed by a swift kick or punch. very civilised, i know.

okay i'm off to (try to) study. i hope to pass math and econs, since i won't be touching lit til those papers are over. chris i miss trying to study with you!! why the heck are you a continent away, three hours behind time, and at uni studying medicine when i'm stuck here with half my friends attached to gosh-knows-what.
10:36 AM ; 0 comments