Saturday, March 04, 2006
one step forward, making two steps back, my oh my

i'm quite worried for page. she's sleeping too much. and eating too much. i complained about the above to my mother, and she said page is getting like me. thanks, mother dear. the difference is that page is getting scrawny and her fur isn't sleek and shiny anymore, and i'm very sad. hey, alliteration. hahaha. but my point is, i'm afraid something's wrong with her. she sleeps on her side! she never used to sleep on her side. and she's always looking so morose. although she still runs crazily on her wheel. but this afternoon i found her asleep on her wheel. which hamster falls asleep on her wheel?? i guess she's just getting old.. sigh. the trouble with loving any living thing is that all living things die. including plants. you can't run away from partings of any sort.

ugh this weekend is busybusybusy. so much for catching up with my work.

i've decided to continue with piano lessons and take my grade8 (eventually). i've quit too many things this past year. it'd be so easy to just stop lessons and say that it's pointless taking exams since i always freak out and play terribly, but it wouldn't solve the real problem. ten years ago i stopped ballet lessons because i had stage fright and didn't like performing in front of people. i still wonder if i'd be a different person if i'd kept up with ballet. maybe someone taller, thinner, more flexible and graceful, etc. i don't want to stop piano now and wonder if things would have been different. i've quit too many things, taken the easy way out too many times. i'm starting to lose respect for myself. people ask me why i dropped history, and i tell them the truth - i hadn't taken it in sec sch, it was a struggle the entire year, it was too much work for something i wasn't even interested in, etc. then they ask me why i resigned from uh, and i either give the polite or honest version. but i knew why i quit in both cases. and i'm much happier now without both burdens. they were just unnecessary torture that weren't necessarily aligned with my personal stand on matters in general. but piano.. it actually means something to me. music actually means something to me. personally. i can't just walk away because i'm scared to fail. my piano teacher said my biggest flaw is my lack of confidence and positive thinking. and all that i'm thinking is, where the heck would i ever get any confidence from? when i was a kid, i cried when i had to go for ballet, even though i liked ballet, because i didn't like dancing in front of people. i danced all the time when nobody was watching, but i couldn't loosen up and express myself, because i didn't want to be laughed at, didn't want to put myself and my innermost feelings on the line. now that i'm older, i realise it's the same for music. i can't play properly in front of anyone but me. i start to tremble and hit all the wrong notes, and the playing becomes just a flat rendition of a piece. but damnit, i'm going to slay this dragon, somehow, someday. i've been letting it take control of my destiny for too long.

somehow when i tried to explain my stand to my mother, all i could say was that it means something to me, and i don't want to regret quitting so easily. because the last time i tried to explain my decision to drop history, she just stared at me blankly. i get the feeling my sister will scoff at me and my grand ideas when she gets back from hk tomorrow.

'average' people wish they were more 'special'. 'abnormal' or 'strange' people wish they were less 'extreme' and more 'socially acceptable'. the grass is always greener on the other side because the mud hides below the blades of green. haaaaa.

--> one step forward, making two steps back, my oh my.. riding piggy on the bad boy's back for life. lining up for the grand illusion, no answers for no questions asked. lining up for the execution without knowing why.. keep watching from your picket fence, keep talking but it makes no sense. you say we're not responsible, but we are.. we are.. you wash your hands and come out clean, you fail to recognise the enemy's within, you say we're not responsible, but we are.. we are. <-- we are, by ana johnsson.
10:50 PM ; 0 comments