Saturday, April 22, 2006
and they say, all's fair in love and war

i got my hair cut. i've always had this trouble of going to a salon, getting my hair cut, and then not being able to figure out how the hairdresser did it. okay i know everyone is going to throw something (not too sharp, please) at my head because they all think my hair keeps getting shorter, but i can't help my little obsessions. jan's the only person who thinks my short hair is fine, but then again she sees me everyday, so maybe she's gotten used to it. i think i'll grow it back after a's. the pained look on the faces of the ex-pls and my ex-classmates is starting to get to me.

life is settling into this mundane, easy routine that i don't really want to break. schoolwork, piano, relationships.. God. some days other people's fears frighten me. all right, fine, try as i might to both deny it and squash it like an ant, i can't seem to help letting what other people think affect me. how sickening. i'm really just another loser on the road. but then again nobody lives in a vacuum (like how mrs ang says that nobody writes in a vacuum, hmm) and it would be pretty pointless to be antagonistic just for the sake of being antagonistic. my point being that the way people go, 'wow i can't believe your parents would let you do that' when i tell them i plan to take two years off before uni, makes me reconsider and second-guess myself. i honestly don't see the harm in taking two years off. it's not like i'll be leeching off my parents - i plan to relief teach for the experience, and i'll live off my salary. plus i need the extra time to go on a few mission trips without being rushed into a decision. besides, if i do change my mind about my career choice, i still wouldn't enter a particularly competitive industry simply because i'd hate it. i'd rather marry the love of my life (ha. ha.) and raise a housefull of fat little babies. i'm not doing this just because i don't want to be conventional. or because i'm not afraid of doing it. i'm doing it because it makes sense, given my high tendency towards (and capacity for) regret and overly idealistic and romantic notions. i'm giving myself a chance to opt out of a service i may not have been destined for.

suddenly remember what yesterday's compre was about. feminism. i'm convinced that passage b was a joke. it's got to be, i cannot believe that anyone would honestly have such ridiculously bigoted views in this day and age. and i pretty much said so in my aq (bigoted being the exact word, along with 'unjustified accusations', etc). that must have been my most reactionary and emotive (hence least subtle and controlled?) aq to date, including the one we did on the casino issue. it was even more horrifying to hear a classmate saying that she doesn't support feminism because although she wants equality in the workplace, she wants to exploit her position (i am paraphrasing, i think her exact words were 'make use of') as the 'weaker' sex in relationships. i was shocked into exploding into a rant (i honestly didn't think any girl/woman/person of sane mind would think like that) and she literally took a step backwards. personally, i can't imagine projecting myself as some vulnerable girl/ wide-eyed damsel in distress to be rescued and coddled. maybe because i am (stubbornly?) convinced of my own ability to slay my own dragons, thank you very much. while i am not really anti-romance (love makes the world go 'round, hooray), i am anti-fluff. i don't want to be the weaker one, but i don't have to be the stronger one - the thought of some clingy, emotionally-overdependent wimp is nauseating. why can't we be equal partners in a mature, intelligent relationship grounded in a shared relationship with God? mutual respect, intellectual compatability, similar interests (music, books, ideas) and tastes, with enough differences to prevent monotony, appeal far more to me than empty cliches. i have nothing against candy bars and dying vegetation, if given out of a genuine appreciation of my personality and a wish to express it in convetional terms. but if i sense that it is given out of a condescending hope to sweep an emotionally vulnerable and weak-willed girl off her feet (like: 'hmm, maybe these dozen roses will please her into ignoring my ill-treatment of the waiter), i will most certainly mutilate the gift and toss it back in his face. we fight for the right to be taken seriously in the workplace; why are women still willing to be thought of as the weaker sex in relationships? sure, you can 'exploit' your position - but at what cost, to your self-respect, the relationship itself (what kind of relationship is grounded on selfish exploitation) and the future generations you might spawn?

maybe i have too much (unjustified) self-respect.
9:30 PM ; 0 comments