Wednesday, April 12, 2006
every note you play

my ears ache for silence. this must be one of the few days that i'm not playing any music on the computer. i guess all the impressive drumming at the water polo match is still ringing a little in my head. incidentally, hwachong won (yay for them? us?), some of us had secret sympatheties for the rj goalkeeper (who looked so very touchingly woebegone, cradling the ball at the end of the match) and we were extremely amused by this hysterical chinese high kid in front of us, who turned out to be from the c div team (he was really small-sized so we thought he was someone's brother). but all these matches meant that there were very few people in school, and i never saw so few people walk past the canteen in three hours. after a while i got too tired to even smile and make eye contact with those who did (it makes them feel obliged to stop, which is when you spring forward with your booklets and little hearts) and we all just sat there, slowly melting into one gloomy lump in the sweltering heat. i hate the word 'balmy'. people are always going on about the 'balmy breeze' in the tropics. well if we're in the tropics (geog is a distant memory of 4 years ago), the lilting alliteration really just translates into a stifling, draining, unbearable humidity blown about on warm, wet air. ughhh.

got up this morning, looked in the mirror and hated myself. so i took up a pair of scissors and snipped away at my hair, because my fringe is still too short to attack. the trouble is, cutting your own hair is extremely difficult, given the angle, and now the two sides don't match. but no one's pointed it out to me yet (maybe because i'll either laugh it off, the way i laugh off the holes in my shirt, or flick what's left of it and make some hopefully-smart remark), and i don't particularly care since i'm not the one who has to put up with looking at my uneven hair. i'm hoping mari can somehow salvage it when she comes back from being chickenpoxy. then again, if i'd decided to just attack my hair this morning, i must have known, subconsciously at least, that i would be destroying how i look. so maybe this is what i want. is it? i ought to know for sure why i do the things i do.

i haven't talked to her in ages. what, four or five months? or more? so much for primary school best friends who wrote to each other regularly through most of secondary school. somehow adjusting in sec school was a lot easier. maybe if i hadn't started out hating everything and everyone.. well too late for that now. maybe it's because i wasn't happy in pri school to begin with. ugh all these might-have-beens drive me crazy sometimes. i just happened to think of her at the match today, wondering if she was there too, on the other side. is she in council? i remember her running for it, but i don't remember much after that. they say sec school friends are the ones you keep, because by the time you reach jc and beyond, you've turned too much inwards and away from others, you stop trusting and reaching out.. but sec school days fit so neatly between childish oblivion and selfishness, and grown-up willful oblivion and selfishness. depressing thought of the day: in life, nothing is certain except death and taxes. now, who said that?
9:22 PM ; 0 comments