Saturday, April 29, 2006
i really want to tell you -

closed my eyes at nine and opened them again a few minutes ago, only to discover three hours had flown past. funny thing is, it felt like i had just opened and closed my eyes; all the lights are still switched on, the same song (okay it's on repeat) is still playing, everything feels exactly the same, only the world is three hours into the future. or i'm stuck three hours in the past. feel a little disjointed from everything.

was rather crabby all day. i sincerely hope it's just pms. but it never turns out to be =( maybe i'm just picking up everyone else's pms-y vibes. today was like a second valentines' day - i kept seeing couples. first ms kang and mr koh from secondary school (who must now be refered to as mrs and mr koh. in that order. because i say so.) then jan and her bf (in that order, because that's how i think and talk about them). i think i'm a terrible friend, beyond a certain point i stop pretending to be cheery.

i can't do anything. anything. i'm hopelessly bad at everything. i wish the world would open its jaws and swallow me whole. why do i have the misfortune of being in the washroom when skinny girls are preening and checking out their skinny legs in front of the mirror? it makes me want to sink into the wall or melt into a puddle unnoticed and drag my puddle-y self away. or maybe just stay a puddle forevermore, shapeless and unseen. have people walk through me and splatter pieces of me across the floor, scatter my thoughts and half-formed words. and i'd let them. i feel all pudgy and i hate myself, i hate the world, hate is in my vocabulary today and i hate it that i'm so bloody melodramatic why doesn't someone just kill me since i can't kill myself (and i don't even know why, specifically)?

not living is very different from dying.

having watched the wedding date thrice, i can pretty much recognise all the songs they use in the soundtrack. borrowed su min's ipod because i was saving mine for the bus journey and it was running low on batt. hated all her songs except those from the maroon 5 album. anyway, i think they use the first part of 'secret' from maroon 5 in the bit where she comes in drunk and silently wakes him up, takes him by the hand and slowly seduces him. then they use 'sway' by michael buble for the bit where they learn how to dance the wedding dance. of course there's 'home' by michael buble too but it wasn't in her ipod. and i don't know the titles of the rest offhand. watching anything thrice kind of imprints certain scenes on you. and they're generally the ones with the nice background music. the starting bit of 'secret' made me want to cry, the sound of the guitar was so shudder/chill-inducing and it felt like my heart was being sliced up with every strum-hold movement. and then i remembered mellie playing something like that once.

dying has that lovely, touching note of finality to it. death is the end of the first (rather staid) movement and turning over the page to begin the second, more lyrical one. dying is the playing of those last few bars leading up to it. not living is just the bungling up of a piece that shows no sign of ending. a grade-one rendition of mozart. the half-hearted hitting of notes and smearing of chords. the misreading of key signatures, the smattering of uncaring unfeeling unalive sounds that pile together and collapse under their own weight.
12:16 AM ; 2 comments