Sunday, April 09, 2006
i suddenly miss you so much. isn't it ridiculous? i'm missing you. i'm missing you. but i always pretend not to. i never call just to say i love you. i always have to find something to say, because i don't want to waste your time. you aren't even gone yet. maybe you're asleep. maybe it's the music. for your heart only, performed by the bandari orchestra. maybe. i just find it hard to verbalise what i think and how i really feel. it sounds stupid you know, hanging in the air. it's the sort of thing you never tell the person in question, because who needs your emotional insecurities? i never tell you when you make me sad, when you're the reason i cry. you know i'm going to miss you, that maybe i already do, but you don't know how much. i'm not an easygoing person, i don't do anything in moderation. i don't want to make things harder for you. i'm losing you, but you're losing everything and everyone. you don't need to handle my angst on top of yours. i don't mean to appear cold. but words only go so far. when did we stop holding hands? we used to hold hands all the time. link arms. rest our heads on each other's shoulders. i feel very cold and very lonely. and as stiff and unresponsive as a straw scarecrow. i wish you'd tell her, so it won't feel as if i'm trying to hold the fort all by myself. so i won't keep returning to that building feeling hollow, won't keep looking at her and wondering what she'll do when she hears.. she shouldn't have to be the last to know. she does care, even if she doesn't really show it. but i suppose she'd hold everything inside as usual. i didn't react at first. too stunned, maybe. i didn't realise what it all meant until i woke up the next morning. and now i'm starting to count the days. and what happens after this? what do i do? how do i live? who's going to come over and bake brownies with me when i'm down? who'll talk to my parents for me when i do badly? whose house will i stay over at and feel completely at ease in? who the hell do i turn to, when everyone's going away? i wish i were stronger. more supportive. i'm not unsupportive. i'm just still trying to grapple with the fact that life is about losing. it's starting to look as if all i have to do is love someone to lose her. i don't even have to walk away. life takes them all away, somewhere out of reach, and we lose what we had. where's the point in fighting against it, fighting to keep something as intangible as a mist? it's slipping out of our fingers, and i wish, i honestly wish i could do something about it. even if i were to call, what would i say? i've said all i mean to say to you. what would i do, sob down the line? it isn't fair to you. you hurt me once, with the things you said. i called someone when i finally couldn't take it, and all i could do was sob. i swore i wouldn't do it again. i'm strong enough on my own. good girls don't cry, bad girls don't die. i can do this. life can't break me anymore. i transfer my agony in careful flicks of my wrist, onto the shedding black. the silver emerges, unscathed. life is what you make of it. i'm going to be strong. nothing's going to get me down. and even if the boogeymen come.. they won't scare me, they can't break me. loneliness is the human condition. i don't think i have much left to lose anymore. everyone has either gone, or is going, or will go. maybe one day i'll leave too, when the emptiness becomes too much to bear. emptiness in a familiar place is all the worse for its strangeness amidst familiarity.but, oh God, how i miss you already.
11:08 PM ;
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