Saturday, April 01, 2006
raining on my own parade

called chris. i now have 4 hours left in my calling card. shall refrain from calling tomorrow. or maybe jan and i could call together when we meet. i don't think they've heard each others' voices in over a year. my mother walked in when i was on the phone. she always seems to suspect me of being involved in some secret relationship or other. it doesn't help that chris and i were always physically close. the older we grow, the more alone we become.

incidentally, i prefer chopin to mozart, particularly his waltzes. the rubartos are so expressive. or maybe i just prefer romantic to classical music in general, now that i think about it. hmm.

ever get scared of growing up and growing old? i'm not so much afraid of changing, than i am of not changing. i don't want to be this way for always, it's very tiring. besides, what if i look back and think, it could have been better, i could have been someone else better and nicer and sweeter and hell, more normal. more logical, more rational, calmer, stronger, more stable. but i can't seem to stablise myself. other people seem to drift along the river of life so calmly, so acceptingly, while i thrash about wildly and fight against everything until i'm tired enough to let go and just drown. but what if you're all lying through your teeth too? all this existentialism is getting to me, i'm going to eat twelve mars snack bars in a row.
9:02 PM ; 0 comments