Saturday, April 29, 2006
random thought of the day -

warning: random thoughts usually translate into teenie angst of some sort or other. proceed at your own risk.

white and black are both just differing shades of grey situated at opposite ends of the spectrum.

i don't believe in colours. how do i know that what i see is what you see? i like black and white and grey (maybe because i'm monochromatic, but mainly because i'm boring and i like the starkness of them; they're in your face) and dark rich stark shades of most colours, particularly purple. the point is: what if my purple isn't your purple? hell, what if my black is your white? and we think we understand each other perfectly. my black your white. we could be defining things completely differently and yet thinking that we are operating on a common plane. maybe in your world, everything is two shades lighter and stained rosy. but because i cannot look into your head and see the images that you see, and even if i could, i would still be seeing the same images that i see, i could never be in your world, and you could never be in mine.

existential angst?

i don't believe in many things. i think i believe in love, because i ought to. i'm a christian, i believe in love, that it exists, that it is pure and good and right (refer to 1 corinthians 13 for more details) but i'm not sure it exists for me. i really hope it does, because i try to apply the aforementioned text to my daily relationships (which is why i don't have many, i just can't cope with the emotional load), but it makes it seem like love is a duty. which i guess it is. if there is just one thing that disturbs and upsets me right now, it's that i don't seem to be any less messed up than a non-christian. what kind of a lousy testimony am i, anyway? knowing God's mercy hasn't made me any less cynical, it's just made me see the impossible worthlessness of human life, and i wonder how He can even stand us (but i'm glad he can. really glad). having a relationship with God hasn't made me feel any less alone, for some reason. some people seek religion because they are afraid of what comes after death. i think i sought it because i needed to be filled. and sure, i'm being filled, but how do you fill an abyss? i must be doing something wrong. it seems blasphemous to get a little blue sometimes. all right, not 'a little'. navy, really. there are days that i can't laugh off easily enough to suit me.

man (the race and not the gender. i can't be bothered to make sexist remarks today) is born to be alone. that is the price to pay for individualism. as soon as you define yourself as a separate entity, you are cutting down the bridge that could have allowed someone else into your world, the part of the world you shared. and now we each have our own worlds, we're trapped in our own-little-world bubbles that encircle and protect us as we move around in the bigger outside universe that we still share by default of our human-ness. and from our own little worlds, the universe looks different. we wear different-shaded sunglasses, we speak different languages, but we think we understand each other completely, we smile and nod and say, 'exactly!', but our roses bloom in different colours. loneliness is the human condition.

if i were a busier person, i wouldn't have so much time to think about all these depressing, suicide-inducing thoughts. but i am not a busier person. i miss you a little, but i wonder if you will tire of me. or if you already have, but love me christian-ly too much to show it. i am not an easy person to be friends with.

depressing song of the day: from a distance.
12:49 PM ; 2 comments