Sunday, April 02, 2006
(send in the clowns) don't bother, they're already here

sometimes i want to tell you how i feel, but i don't know how to put it across exactly how i feel it, so i try to form words out of it, and they spill out of my mouth like so many marbles, clattering and conscious. it isn't that you won't understand - okay, maybe it is - but i'm not sure you'll understand it in my context, which is what really matters..

i was feeling so frustrated and emotional this morning that i took up a pair of scissors and grabbing a lock of fringe, snipped it off. after which i realised that one section was now too short, so i had to attempt to salvage it. mari helped me trim my hair on friday in school, but she does it much better than me, so now i have a tuft of too-short fringe on my face. not that i really mind - out of sight, out of mind.

i have to go for com serve alone tomorrow again. i told myself to be strong, not to need anyone.. to be independent and hold my head up high.. but sometimes, a little company's nice, you know? i hate the weekends sometimes. i was sitting in the mrt, leaning my head back against the side of the train, when i noticed all these couples canoodling around me. i suddenly became very resentful of my comparatively cold and unyielding pillow, and tried to doze off to avoid unpleasant thoughts about my near future as an old crochety spinster. i think i prefer the bus. i feel less exposed on it. i can slide down the seat and hide behind whoever's in front of me. plus the seats are squishier.

by the way, doubt was okay. wasn't too bad, wasn't that great. a bit draggy. and not through-provoking enough. if i stop talking about something after 20 mins, it's about a c-grade piece of work. oh, and the person sitting in front of me was so tall (i mean his hair was), that every time the actors sat down, i couldn't see anything. maybe that's why i found it a bit draggy. i didn't want to keep shifting in my seat, so i just listened to the dialogue whenever they were sitting down.

they're playing your song on the radio. i don't know how i know since i don't listen to the radio, but every now and then, i get to thinking about you, and hmm, right now would be the perfect time to punch you into next week.

so detached. i don't like it when you cry noisily. except i do, sometimes. but not in front of people. i wish you wouldn't sob in front of me. it has this distancing effect on me. i findmyself taking a step backwards and watching us as if from above. emotions shouldn't be so raw. misery shouldn't be so uncontrolled. you're supposed to be strong, you have to be strong. grown-ups lie so much. they pretend that everything's okay, even when the ceiling's falling down around their ears. because they have to. that's how things should be. i want you to pretend. i want you to assume a facade of calm control, because i shouldn't have to be the cold, detached and entirely unmovable one. i shouldn't have to be the one dishing out spoonfuls of carefully doctored emotion like painkillers. because i lie too. like any other grown-up, i lie to the kids when i have to. when they're scared and so am i, i put on a calm and assured front, i gather them up into my arms and promise that everything will be okay. empty promises, because inside i'm freaking out too. i don't want to be brave and strong all the time, why don't you take a turn? i keep saying i'm okay, i have to be okay, everything is gonna be all right. we keep so much to ourselves, and cry alone when the demons in our minds torment us. i've never wanted to be me. pity i wasn't given the choice. but you don't want to be you either. nobody wants to be themselves, we all want something better, something greater, something.. else. sometimes love seems like too great a risk to take. if i don't love you, you can't hurt me, it's as simple (and hateful) as that.

i wish you'd come back. i wish you wouldn't go. i wish you hadn't gone. there are no stars in the sky. maybe such is life. and maybe if i hold my breath long enough, i'll wish myself into oblivion.
8:40 PM ; 5 comments