Sunday, April 09, 2006
with my head on the phone

just watched 'the wedding date'. i love the bit where they play the chorus of all out of love as the car cruises down the road. somehow i'm reminded of us, the plc 03/04. not that we ever got drunk or drove around late at night wearing miniskirts and kneehighsocks. but the sheer exhilaration, and the screaming and laughing like there's no one who'll get us for making noise.. remember the day we got promoted? and we ran screaming in the rain (literally) all the way to serene centre, soaked to the bone and dripping rainwater in the toilet? why do i get the feeling i'll still be talking about this twenty years down the road? it's already been three years. whoa i feel so old.

sometimes i hate going to school. same old rooms, same old faces, even the same old sounds. and i don't care for any of them. i remember i never used to want to skip school or even leave early because i didn't want to miss out on a single minute with my friends. never skipped a guides meeting, or a plc one for that matter. cos well it wasn't really a cca meeting to me, it was more like an excuse to be with my friends. is that how school life should be? where you go to school even if you have a test, because recesstime is worth it? i never used to skip school on thursdays and fridays, because those were lit days, the days i looked forward to all week long. i loved lit. now it scares me, because i don't feel anything. i don't connect with any passage, i'm completely numb and slow and it feels like i'm in a constant fog, completely unable to express myself coherently and accurately. i just want to stab myself and die, thinking about it. sometimes i wonder.. do christians who commit suicide really go to hell?

incidentally, my father mentioned that he might recommend me to a missionary friend of theirs in vietnam. she set up a school in a city there, and he thought i might want to go over next year. i don't know what i'd do there, observe and do simple tasks? i can't possibly master a language well enough in a matter of months to do admin work. sounds good anyway. even though i'd prefer a village to a city. not too keen on pollution, it affects my breathing. something to look forward to? sometimes i'm scared that i'm just another incurable romantic, searching desperately to make sense of her life, only to realise that she never had one to begin with. i know the song goes 'sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see', but what if the very thing you're looking for is the one thing that simply doesn't exist? ughhh.

just remembered what van and i were saying the other day.. if we were to live together, we'd never decide on anything. what sort of house to buy, the district, which dog to adopt, who to get which room, what to cook for dinner, what sort of pasta to buy.. maybe 'uh, anything, i'm okay' isn't such a fantastic response after all. we waste so much time being wishywashy. but nobody really wants to be too imposing. maybe it's a girl thing.

i love and hate most mainstream books and films for the same reason. they have conclusions. and these conclusions are generally quite predictable. the heroine ends up with the hero. or some other guy. but she tends to end up with someone, whereupon they live happily ever after. novelists and screenwriters shouldn't propagate this ridiculous notion. it just doesn't happen. okay, maybe only one in a million. or a thousand. or maybe a hundred. but it isn't the only way to have a decent ending. sure, it's a feel-good way to conclude the whole episode, but population stats alone prove that there will always be someone without a happy ending. chickflicks and chicklit are so predictable. no matter how successful the woman is, she can't be complete without finding her other half. what if she doesn't need another half? what if she is already complete? even classics, for goodness' sake. we are a people obsessed with love. and i hate to admit that i'm a chief culprit. being so paradoxical isn't fun. loving it or hating it, you still can't get rid of it.
9:31 PM ; 0 comments