Wednesday, May 31, 2006
dreams are made and used and wasted
the only thing worse than doing badly, or being seen as doing badly, is being part of the minority that does badly.
i hate the book i'm currently reading. i hate the two key characters. i hate them so much i'm only reading on to find out the extent of their evilness. he had black lashes, long and tangled, and eyes that shone in the light, but he was cold. too cold.
sorry if i'm not very good company tonight. i don't mean to be abrupt. i just can't find the words to say.
9:41 PM ; 0 comments
Monday, May 29, 2006
and because this is too mind-boggling not to share..
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/honda.php
enjoy.
11:06 PM ; 2 comments
barbed wire, baby
did a number of stupid things. well, there was an impressive range of 'extremely stupid' to 'mildly stupid'. got teased relentlessly by bev and nanz, but i don't really mind since iloveyouyoulovemewearehappyfamily. anyone else (outside of my immediate social circle / non-close-friend) who tries this stunt will be duly stabbed in the eye. i think i only do stupid things around them because i'm relaxed enough to be myself. oh dear, am i actually admitting to an inherent stupidity?
i use the words 'shit', 'sick' and 'freak' too much these days. as well as singlish slang. very, very bad habit that stems from a laziness to form full sentences and deliver them with proper enounciation. must correct this fault as soon as possible in order to avoid the appearance that i have indeed been changed by hwachong. although we all know this to be the case. previously, i would have answered 'imaginative' without much pondering to the 'imaginative vs realistic' question. well, i pondered last night, and came to the unfortunate conclusion that i am not one person. either that, or i am one person with an exceedingly unbalanced mind. or, possibly, i am one person with a balanced mind that has been split into two equally balanced but completely contradictory parts. oh, joy. realistic heart, imaginative mind. i think with my heart and feel with my brain. wait, do i even have a heart? *feels for a pulse* yeah i guess i do. i guess i should be grateful that jc life has made me even more cynical than before. that it robbed me of my delusioned fairytale dreams, my fondness for pastel colours and butterflies, and taught me an intense preference for black and bold rich colours. it was inevitable anyway.
and chris, why do you always call when i'm eating?? i know the heart calls to the heart, but i had no idea that the stomach calls to the stomach as well. anyway, i'm glad you called. even though it meant that bev now has three videos of me on her phone (she's obsessed with me, i swear. okay i'm kidding) and i'm looking extremely excited and motioning agitatedly in all three. oh, joy. thank goodness she will never figure out how to post it on the plc blog. but i love nachos with hot melted cheese.
oh and nanz, i shall get the sandals. =) oh happy day.
10:12 PM ; 0 comments
Sunday, May 28, 2006
another one of those things
from eunice's blog, because i'm in one of those moods. and because i'm a really conflicted person, x = yes and * = depends on the situation
Mark your confessions:
[*] I'm afraid of silence. (whose silence? yours, or mine?)
[*] I Talk A LOT when I get really nervous. (either talk too much or completely shut up)
[x] I am really ticklish.
[*] I'm afraid of the dark. (when my imagination runs away with me)
[*] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night. (depends on where i am)
[x] I can't sleep in a room if the door is open. (but i'm okay with open spaces)
[ ] I can't sleep in a room if the door is closed
[ ] I am afraid of gay or lesbian people.
[*] I believe in true love. (for whom?)
[ ] I've run away from home
[x] I listen to political music (sometimes. mildly political anyway. wait isn't everything political to a certain extent?)
[ ] I collect comic books
[*] I shut others out when I'm sad.
[x] I've stayed out all night.
[*] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[ ] I watch the news
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I love Disney movies.
[*] I am a sucker for green eyes. (depends on whose eyes right? and ditto below)
[*] I am a sucker for brown eyes.
[*] I am a sucker for blue eyes
[*] I dont kill bugs
[x] I curse.
[ ] I have an "x" in my screen name.
[x] I've slipped and fell in public.
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam....
[ ] I bake well
[ ] I have worn pajamas to class.
[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie.
[*] I want a better job (define 'better')
[x] Talked on a phone for 6+ hours.
[ ] I love Dr. Phil.
[*] I like multiple people (also, define 'like')
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS. (never!)
[x] I am self-conscious.
[*] I love to laugh. (give me a reason to)
[ ] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[ ] I loved Lord of the Flies. (you psycho freak, you)
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I have a lot of scars.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I love chocolate.
[*] I bite my nails. (not the nail, per se, i just chew anxiously on my finger or knuckle)
[*] I am not comfortable with being me.
[ ] I play computer games when I'm bored.
[x] Gotten lost in the city. (ha. ha.)
[x] Thought of suicide before.
[x] Seen a shooting star.
[ ] Had a menage a trois.
[ ] Gone out in public in my pajamas
[ ] Have kissed someone really strange....
[ ] Hugged a stranger.
[ ] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of a diff. sex. (no blood)
[x] Been in a fist fight
[ ] Been arrested.
[x] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of my nose. (haha)
[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] made out in an elevator.
[ ] Swore at Liberace.
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose (someday, baby, someday)
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[x] Gotten stitches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
[x] Bitten someone (hey, kids do that..)
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[x] Gotten the chicken pox.
[ ] Crashed into a car...
[ ] been to Japan.
[x] Ridden in a taxi.
[ ] shoplifted
[ ] Been fired.
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] Stole something from your job.
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[ ] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
[ ]Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] Been to Europe.
[ ] Slept with a co-worker, and/or employee.
[ ] been to New York
[ ] Been married
[ ] Gotten divorced
[x] Saw someone/something dying.
[ ] Have a list of people you want to kill.
[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[ ] Been to Canada.
[x] Been on a Plane.
[ ] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] Thrown up in a bar or club
[x] Eaten sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding.
[*] Continued to care for someone sooo much even though you know you can't have them (define 'care for')
[ ] taken a picture just for the sole purpose ofputting it on myspace/friendster..
[ ] Been ice skating
[x] Cried in public.
[x] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.
[ ] been at a party and instead of giving out your phone number you give them your mypsace nameand say look me up
[x] liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have.
[x] Thought of someone a lot lately.
[*] Hate the world. (sometimes i hate it. other times i just don't care about it)
[x] Love someone who doesnt realize it (maybe i don't say it enough. i'm sorry, i love you =D )
[x] have your cell phone permanently attached to your hand/hip
[ ] cried over a guy/girl you didnt even go out with.
9:18 PM ; 0 comments
ten things
because mari tagged.
Take a look at your LJ friends list, then list up to 10 things you want to say to 10 different friends. DO NOT state who these people are. DO NOT confirm or deny any.
1. you've got the wit down pat, but you might need to work on the charm.
2. some habits are meant to be kicked.
3. i guess i take you for granted a lot of the time, but you're a really important part of my life.
4. don't be afraid, God is with you.
5. sometimes it's scary how our lives mirror each other's.
6. i don't know if i should trust you, or if trust is overrated in the first place.
7. i'm so happy for you it makes me cry and want to die, because it all seems so surreal. but then i'm emotional.
8. one day i'm gonna be happy for you too.
9. so, which dog would we get?
10. your smile lights up the room. fortunately, you use it often enough for people to know that.
okay, ten people:
1. jean
2. siti
3. nanz
4. mellie
5. eunice
6. serene
7. vank (you can reply as a comment if you like, haha)
8. chris (ditto)
9. gen (ditto again)
10. anyone else who cares to do it
8:33 PM ; 0 comments
on dreams and dreaming
was talking to bev today about my apparently paradoxical, slightly twisted but no less sincere mindset regarding dreams. i promised an elaboration, so here goes:
firstly, i subscribe to the philosophy that there are two types of dreams, and they need not be related. (okay, so there is no such philosophy. it's my personal philosophy.) there are the heart-dreams, which are the emotionally-invested dreams that most people pour their ambitions and heart-felt longings into. these are the ones that they take seriously, that they actively (to a certain extent) pursue, that stake them in the gut when they fall on them. then there are the mind-dreams. the emotionally-distant, relatively intellectual (in that they necessarily do not involve the heart) and often purely theoratical dreams. the dreams that you dream, consciously, forcefully, deliciously, while at the same time the other half of your brain laughs scornfully with a little ironic smile playing on its lips. the dreams you honestly don't expect to come true, don't wish them to. they may be completely flamboyant or seemingly realistic, but you don't fool yourself into believing their possibility, because you recognise that they are the conscious product of your overactive imagination. and that's how you want them. no strings attached. no emotional baggage, just a dream, an idea, a concept. they cannot trip you up, because they are not a part of you. separate, self-aware (sometimes self-conscious) and carefully controlled hypothetical dreams. yes, those are the mind-dreams.
did that clarify anything? probably not. i hate how inarticulate i am, and how language fails me, and how i cannot transfer by the touch of hand or a quick glance my thoughts (sans language) and jumbled waves of awareness. bev, bev, i have no heart-dreams. you know that. i suppose it comes as no surprise. the dreamer of dreams has no real dreams, only hollow ones that she consciously constructs out of dust and water vapour. she couldn't believe i don't want to study overseas. of course i have had such dreams. mind-dreams. but i know i won't go, can't go, so why heart-dream about it? it isn't practical. and yes bev, i'm still suffering from what you have termed a split-personality disorder, whereby half of me sighs and sings and swoons, and the other half laughs, with an ironic little twisted smile, at the foolish, cliched half. yesser.
but i still admire people who dare to dream, who dare to fall, who dare to think that they might somehow fly, and above all, who dare to do all that with both halves of their mind in complete congruence to each other.
by the way, i can handle being replaced by a girl-friend, but i resent being made to feel like a float you cling to until the dashing lifeguard comes along. honey, what happened to female solidarity? when it comes to people you can trust with your life, friends are forever, guys are for never.
7:37 PM ; 0 comments
Saturday, May 27, 2006
dreams are made and used and wasted
so, lit's over.
x-men was okay. i cringed everytime someone died. which was oh, every five minutes? towards the end i was in a state of permanent recoil. but hey, the firebadboy was pretty hot. young angel was very adorable, all scared and teary and apologetic about something he couldn't help being. old angel looked utterly glacial. jean grey scared me. power is a frightening thing. but i'd join the bad side if they weren't so cruel towards their own kind. i mean hey, if you don't like me, what makes you think i like you? i would probably scorn you if i could be bothered to. (this isn't very christian behaviour, i know, but at least it isn't active all-out war)
oh yeah. my phone rang midway through the lit exam. *cringes wildly* everyone in a three metre radius was glaring at my bag, which, unfortunately, was next to hy. sorry :S hy. i was so torn between agitation and anxiety that i started chewing on my thumb, which is a somewhat nervous habit of mine. oh well. andd i had my hair cut and my eyebrows plucked, all in one day. =D very efficient, i know.
sighh. i wish -
but you know i don't really believe in wishes.
no wishes, no heart-dreams, no genuine fantasies.
you could call me a coward.
10:34 PM ; 5 comments
Thursday, May 25, 2006
thoughts from the more-or-less permanently drugged
i finally did the inevitable, considering my memory and the fact that i pack my school bag just before rushing off to school. i forgot to bring my painkillers, which i discovered at seven in the morning when i was digging around in the aforementioned bag for them. my sister was asleep (oh the joys of neither schooling nor working), and my mother was supposed to go for a conference. nonetheless, faced with the threat of my ocp-ing asap, she managed to bring them down for me. i guess i ocp too much. and so, i stayed the day, relatively pain-free. i seem to be more or less permanently drugged during the school term. if it weren't so near to the exams (okay, lit on sat that i'm starting to get stressed about), i'd just try to sleep it off instead of popping pills. but hey, it won't look good if i fail the blocks.
ah yes, lit. i don't know what's going on. i highlighted/underlined the first one and a half chapters though. and i think we're tested up to chapter twelve. hmm. shall read her lecture notes. and pray very, very hard. hopefully i'll be able to smoke my way through paper eight too. then we can go paint the town red on sat night! =D nobody's online. i guess they're all studying. damn. shall read her lecture notes.
my sister's not home yet. =( i wanted to tell her what happened in school today, but i'll probably forget by the time she gets back. i hate going home alone. am sleepy. must persevere. and find the notes to read.
9:11 PM ; 0 comments
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
angels don't smile with their teeth
seem to be very tired for no apparent reason. can't stop yawning. i just woke up and i feel only marginally less tired than when i went to sleep a couple of hours ago. running out of painkillers. i can't remember how many i took today, but i guess i can take another.
my extremely bored sister tried to get me to play with her just now but i fell asleep haha. and anyway she couldn't find the monopoly. andd. i don't like playing games because i always lose. i've always lost at games for as long as i can remember. hell, i even lose at scissors-paper-stone every single time i play it. my ill-luck is as predictable as rain in may. and you wonder why i have no confidence in anything i do.
and.. 4/6 day is coming!!! =D can someone confirm the plans, by the way?
7:36 PM ; 0 comments
Monday, May 22, 2006
my pebbly thoughts
just got a call. gahhhh. am useless. am bloody, bloody useless. and all i can say is, 'i hope you're okay'. language is so pointless. particularly when it doesn't say anything at all. or maybe there just isn't anything to say. i'm such a pebble.
and the river's just passing, passing me by.
eh, damn, i think i'm going to go crazy when you leave. the depth of my affection and bond is directly related to how much i sigh and stare into space when you're gone. and if you both go at the same time.. it'll be a lot like looking up into fate's gleeful grin as it trips me. repeatedly.
am reading 'the go-between'. the prologue begins thus - 'the past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.' well the future is a foreign country too; they do things mysteriously there. and the future's a country i'm afraid to visit. i've always had this morbid albeit mild fear of crashing. not because i fear death, but because i fear fear, and i know everyone around me would be panicking and i tend to ride on other people's emotions and yeah.
today was the last day my sister went to school with me. and i had to come home first because i had piano, instead of waiting for her. now we'll never go home together after school again. school's going to be this much lonelier *waves arms wildly* now that i've actually had reasonable company for half a year. and i'll have to wait til we're both home before i can talk to her about the day. she hasn't even left the country yet and already i'm suffering from sibling-withdrawal symptoms. i think i'll go back to sleep. it's too hard trying to deal with my stupidity when i'm anything but slightly comatose.
8:36 PM ; 2 comments
Sunday, May 21, 2006
here goes
sometimes i get so worked up / agitated / distracted that i talk very fast and eat very fast and the only thing that calms me down is chewing anxiously on my knuckles. unfortunately i can't do that in public, so.. i overeat. damn, i'm like some crazed hamster.
so here we go - now we - oh no - i know - oh no
betcha i'll end up sounding like that one day. because i already do, sometimes. all right, a lot of the time. hesitant, incoherent, and blurted out. damn.
in theory, 'disaster' would translate into something irresistably intriguing. for you. in reality you would run as fast as you could in the opposite direction. which leaves me to wonder, what do the real-life disasters do? the byronic heroes. and sometimes getting burnt once isn't good enough for you. sometimes they teach you that getting burnt is what you want. and that, my dear, is the true disaster. not that it makes it any less hot, but ugh i should stop here.
am very glad for the pls. but maybe it's a good thing that we don't spend every minute together. you'd end up resenting me. i'm a bit like a tonic - reasonably useful in small amounts (okay give me the benefit of the doubt) but utterly toxic in large amounts. i shall live and die an old maid. but you're welcome to stay next door.
8:05 PM ; 0 comments
Friday, May 19, 2006
i should tell you
new rule: if anything happens to you, however trivial, you have to tell the rest of us asap or risk us descending on you like a swarm of anxious bees within the hour of finally being informed. this includes new eyecandies, however fleeting, because we love teasing =D
oh, and just to let the oblivious / blur pls know.. yep, the 9th is on, i've booked the pits, just tell me what food to prepare and what we're gonna do before the bbq.
and so, we met. and i had a good look at mervyn this time. he seemed rather.. *cough* familiar with the hospital. i hope i didn't come off as too ditzy, but then again i always do when i'm comfortable with people. rest well, mel! and don't forget to press the right petal regularly =D
let's see. aside from mellie who was supposed to be recovering, nanz was as blur as ever, bev was on a war-time diet of porridge, potatoes and sweet potatoes, sam was her usual sardonic self, and serene was typically narcisstic. i have too many pictures of the latter on my phone. and i refuse to believe that i use such big arm movements when i'm talking. even though bev took a 3 minute video of me in action, literally. i mean, hey, i think it only happens when you girls are around, because i get really excited and start gesticulating wildly even when what i'm saying is nothing important and nanz has heard it fifteen times. i bet i'd be more alive in school if you were here.. or if i were there. but hey, too late for regrets, we're a year and a half too late for that. i'm not going to regret, i'm just gonna live for the moments (and blessed, blessed hours) when we are together. damn, i'm getting sentimental.
oh, and i like 'i should tell you' from the rent soundtrack:
i should tell you i'm disaster
i forget how to begin it
let's just make this part go faster
i have yet to be in it
i should tell you
i should tell you
i should tell you
i should tell you
i should tell i blew the candle out
just to get back in
i'd forgotten how to smile
until your candle burned my skin
i should tell you
i should tell you
i should tell -
well here we go
now we -
oh no
i know - this something is -
here goes
here goes
guess so, it's starting to -
who knows
who knows
who knows where
who goes there
who knows
here goes
trusting desire - starting to learn
walking through fire without a burn
clinging a shoulder a leap begins
stinging and older, asleep on pins
so here we go
now we
oh no
i know
oh no
who goes where - who goes there
here goes - here goes
here goes - here goes
here goes - here goes
okay so it's tons better sung. and in context. yes. anyway, roger and mimi.
oh, and just to inform those who don't already know.. i'm the only person on earth who's got the hots for cameron, but that's okay, i'm a unique and beautiful snowflake =D okay enough with the barfing. i'll see you soon!
and oh, i should tell you - i'm disaster
8:33 PM ; 0 comments
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
and fighting all the demons will take time
so, i'm allergic to synflex. had a really bad allergic reaction to it during lit lecture, where i tried to make one packet of tissue last an hour, while my nose was dripping and i couldn't breathe and my eye was all itchy and swollen. slept for about 5 hours before i remembered to go to the doctor. now the nose is fine but my throat really hurts and the left side of my face is still swollen. this really sucks because all the other painkillers have stopped working. even arcoxia. and i don't want to rely on ponstan for daily use. i'll find out tomorrow if i'm allergic to ultracet.
sun / moon. fire / ice. gold /silver. i can't decide. each with its own fatal attraction, intrinsic latent danger. everyone loves a little aggression, because it's raw and intense and slightly animalistic, and you could burn together, smothered in your own fire. but there's something horribly attractive about a silent, cool stillness that draws you like a persuasive magnet. i really can't decide. maybe i should go back to sleep.
and are we ever, are we ever gonna learn to fly
8:12 PM ; 0 comments
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
as taken from eunice, the hopeless romantic
from eunice. heh.
Open iTunes. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.
Sort by Song -
First Song: ...And Then I Kissed Him, Pearl Harbour OST
Last Song: Your Song, Elton John
Sort by Time -
Shortest Song: Tune Up #3, Rent OST
Longest Song: La Vie Boheme, Rent OST
Sort by Artist -
First Artist: Air Supply
Last Artist: Young Will
Sort by Album -
First Album: 10 Things I Hate About You OST
Last Album: You Light Up My Life
Search the Keyword - song title only - and see how many songs appear:
"Sex": 1
"Death": 2
"Love": 101
"You": 156
"Me": 194
"Drug": 0
"Hate": 3
Shuffle your library and list the first five songs. No padding your playlist you hipster, you. Be honest!! or I'll kill you.
1. Making Love Out Of Nothing At All - Air Supply
2. Hello Darling - Kenny G
3. Even The Nights Are Better - Air Supply
4. Ribbons Undone - Tori Amos
5. Superwoman - Karen White
Total music: 842 songs (eh i realise i deleted a lot of songs! hooray)
10:39 PM ; 0 comments
Monday, May 15, 2006
they burn inside
i'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
random message to nanz that apparently caused her to burst out laughing in her school's quiet library: 'hey, what time do you finish school? let's run away together! =D' and so we ran away (okay, really strolled off) to the esplanade library after school. and being me (i.e. The One With Negative Sense of Direction), i kept forgetting where the bus stop was when we were going home. 'kept forgetting', because we headed in the wrong direction at least twice. and it turns out that she has 'angels or devils' already! yayness! =D now everyone wants to do the vank trick and steal all my songs directly out of my itunes.
random words: empty. cement tongue, hollow mouth. mocking weight of air. phantom cries in the still, dark night. 'mommy, mommy'. brave smiles, because bravery is all you've ever known.
i'm sorrier than i show.
and i can see the pain in you.. and i can see the love in you.. and fighting all the demons will take time..
10:05 PM ; 2 comments
Sunday, May 14, 2006
angels or devils - dishwalla
this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside
I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
this is the last time that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see
still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us
if I was to give in - give it up- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
11:25 PM ; 0 comments
i'm trying to imagine it, but i can't. i'm a cold, heartless bitch. i turned over and read the newspaper. and then i cried a little. but i can't feel it. i can't feel anything. stab me.
i can't even write, because i feel nothing.
and at the other end of the world, someone is crying.
7:13 PM ; 0 comments
Friday, May 12, 2006
toy soldiers
sighhhh
i'm a social wreck. i can't even hold a proper conversation with my own cousin. who is our age. i came home and whined to my sister (who stayed home sick with freshly painted vampire-red nails), who exclaimed, 'it isn't even a social situation, he's your cousin!' yeah thanks i know. =( social wreck, social wreck. come to think of it, i can't even talk to my current classmates. sigh.
will i lose my dignity, will someone care? will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?
it frightens me that you're ageing. the little signs; your white hair and slow walk, the way you get tired so easily. but it would be even more frightening if you didn't age, even a little.
and because one-word answers are so fragile, i wish you wouldn't throw them at me like a hand-grenade.
i don't even know why i try, sometimes.
9:26 PM ; 0 comments
hehh
took the vampire red polish off because i don't want to scare my grandmother tonight. and because i don't feel vampirish (i.e. wild, over-the-top, blood-drawing and freakily dramatic) this morning.
i did, however, feel mildly amused enough by life to do this:
except, my 16pf analysis (which had an entire page of negative traits, compared to jan's two lines) claims that i'm too caught up with the past. sadly, i agree.
i foresee myself getting extremely pissed off in about two hours when my mother's friends come over for lunch. and i predict that my own children will feel the same way if (or can i say when?) the pls continue coming over twice a year for bbqs. or at least the neighbours will. the noise, the noise.
am considering switching to lj. and because i take so long to make up my mind, i'll probably still be considering at the end of the month. on the other hand, i'm too easily convinced so maybe i'll make the switch tomorrow. randomly and seemingly for no reason.
10:46 AM ; 0 comments
Thursday, May 11, 2006
and so -
i'm currently sporting blood-red nails on my left hand, courtesy of nanz, who convinced me that the shade 'vampire red' was very dramatic and buy-able. implications aside, i have to confess to both having a dramatic flair (royal purple tops and eyeliner, anyone?) and being too easily convinced. i'll take it off when i've had my fun.
met nanz in town after brunch and a movie with some classmates (the movie was 'when a stranger calls', which someone said was a psychological thriller, but which i found vaguely amusing for some obscure reason, excluding that which implies the possibility that i'm psychotic) and proceeded to be our usual selves. she bought a lovely purple (yay!! taste is influential) top and nude nail polish (it really is) somewhere between the three hours in which we roamed about town trying on everything and anything. stupidity, as i should have known, is pretty much inevitable when i'm around nanz. i tried on some ugly bright red nail polish just for the heck of it, only to realise that that particular store didn't have any nail polish remover in it. chaos and much distress ensued until i had a brainwave (me [triumphantly]: 'i am a genius!!' nanz [drily]: you were stupid enough to put on nail polish without checking for a remover in the first place!') that involved pasting a tigger plaster over my nail to hide it. thank goodness nanz is my little bundle of joy too =D yay i love you!!! (i am exceedingly easy to convince. and scarily so.)
can't wait for my sister to come home so i can show off my scary nails and tease her about today. my mother just came in to nag me about not doing my work. funnily enough, i was considering doing it until she nagged me. now i'm tempted to slack off tonight just to be difficult, which is extremely immature and pointless, but the knowledge of which doesn't prevent me from feeling that way in any case. so i shall be mature (haha) and rational about it, and do my homework. yes yes. and then my sister'll come in and we'll yabber for hours. if she leaves, the house will feel so empty. first chris, then jean, and now maybe her. soon the only person still stepping into my room regularly to visit with me will be my mother.
something scared me recently. but the chances of it happening to me are highly unlikely since first and foremost, hardly anyone knows about this blog (and i give my url fairly freely since i doubt anyone will read), and secondly, i'm hardly funny, intelligent or controversial enough to be quotable. so.. paranoia is irrational and unjustified, yes?
oh. and we had sports day today. it was a mass practice in both fine arts of playing truant (fondly known as 'ponning' in hc, pronounced as pon1 by the anglophiles, and pon3 by the chinese-educated) and leaving early (preferably as soon as the attendance has been marked). ah, the blissful anonymity of jc life.
9:03 PM ; 2 comments
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
love is overrated
i wasn't paying attention in lit tut today. for once. firstly because i didn't see the need to (was getting quite impatient with the needless repetition and pointless points), and secondly because i was distracted by the book. god of small things is so freaking sad. the bit where estha leaves on the train, and they try to say everything while saying nothing at all. the bit where rahel is so hung up that 'a little less her mother loved her'. the love laws. that lay down who should be loved, and how, and how much.
if he touched her, he couldn't talk to her, if he loved her he couldn't leave, if he spoke he couldn't listen, if he fought he couldn't win.
the slippery glint of sunlight on a swirling, twirling disc exploding across the air.
i'm listening to the rent soundtrack. nice music, nice singing.. what's there not to like? occasionally funny, poignant and sad.. i like 'will i' in particular. only four lines, sung over and over by several characters, blending and melding into each other, harmonized but separate. pain is rather personal. will i lose my dignity.. will someone care? will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?
i have never liked my name.
i remember you, and quite well at that, although i pretend not to. i don't know why i do that. no wait maybe i do. because it saves me a lot of embarrassment, and puts me on a sort of moral (out of oblivion, really) high ground. and because i'm a bitch. oh, joy.
but sometimes i really do forget people.. and quite often at that.. names and faces and not-so familiar places. i forget how we came together and how we parted, whether or not your smile reached your eyes, and how you were wearing your mask that day. names are easiest to forget, i guess, unless i really liked your name or it struck me for some reason. but mostly i have a recollection of a shape, a shadow, a silhouette, and nothing more.
you're so unguarded when you think no one's watching. but isn't everyone? it's so tiring to keep up the charade.
my black diamond.
and because i hate talking about money, i will snap if you insist on bringing it up.
8:30 PM ; 0 comments
Monday, May 08, 2006
on 7th may, 2004
and i just realised what date yesterday was. damn. how could i forget?
7th may. do you remember? breathless fear, worry, pain. the way we clutched each other and held hands and prayed, even though we knew somehow that she was already gone. two years on and i still feel the chills thinking about that day, the still air and choked sobs. i remember the way farrah fell sobbing to the ground, clutching her middle. the way i ran to mellie in the canteen and hugged her, singing 'God will make a way'. i remember holding hands, holding hands. i remember turning around to siti, red-eyed, and asking her if we could raise the school flag to half-mast. i remember watching it being lowered slowly the next day, and how i've never been able to look at a flag at half-mast ever since without a twist of pain. i remember resenting the media reports. i remember it was mothers' day that weekend. i remember hating her for being so cold and untouched and vaguely amused, i remember screaming, 'that's someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's wife and someone's friend'. i remember the orbituary page. i remember 'superwoman' and 'be thou my vision'. i remember holding you. i remember my last guard-of-honour duty. saluting as it went past. my last salute. guards-of-honour show no emotion. i remember i was afraid i might cry. but i don't remember if i did, then. there was so much crying in the days after 7th may that i just don't remember every detail anymore.
and i remember the day i found those verses, the beatitudes, underlined in my study bible, with a single date written beside them.
why am i the only one who's still so hung up about it? move on, girl, move on. you don't have to wrap every shard of glass around your heart.
but i still remember. do you?
8:46 PM ; 0 comments
i wish the stars would turn you in
fell sick quite suddenly halfway through the sermon yesterday. have been more or less asleep ever since. have hell a lot of homework to do. am pissed off with myself for taking out my pissy-ness on other people.
chris is coming back after blocks. yay! =) but only for a short while. =(
am hopelessly confused. been eating toasted milk bread all day. nearly finishing the loaf now.
i hate the way you're so mind-blowingly intelligent and witty and funny it just cracks me up all the time. i hate it that you've perfected the art of subtle cruelty. but most of all, i hate it that i'm me, and you're you, and 'never the twain shall meet'.
gahhh. viral infections do this to the mind. more toast, please.
7:54 PM ; 0 comments
Friday, May 05, 2006
grown-up christmas list
today was relatively exciting, mainly because of my penchant for rooting for the underdogs.
classmate had squash finals; we were sent to support him. it was very noisy. realised that my cousin is, indeed, a very good player. so is the aforementioned classmate. and other random people. rj has really some really emo players. all the up-against-the-wall heavy breathing and when-will-this-end tortured looks, plus occasional racquet throwing.. well, everyone was rooting for the last player on our side. and only partially because he looked so very woebegone and little-boyish every time the other side scored a point. later we realised he's actually almost ridiculously tall, and hence disqualified from the title of 'little boy'. but anyway.
opposition rally. why did it feel so illegal going to it? as renhui said, it was like being communist or something. it isn't everyday that you get to hear people slamming the current government in public. the thing is, we've grown up in this environment. we've learnt the fine art of self-censorship. we all have lofty ideals about freedom of speech and equality etc etc, but how many of us actually believe they are achievable? i don't. i've never experienced it, so i can't imagine what it would be like not to live in fear of being sued, or actually being taken seriously. maybe i'm just cynical, i don't really think we can make a difference. the government, the country have become too synonymous with the ruling party. i think i should stop here. just in case. see, self-censorship. sigh.
am tired. shall sleep.
11:35 PM ; 3 comments
Thursday, May 04, 2006
... looking for her own peace of mind
you single-handedly make it impossible for me to be coherent.
funny how when you're in that in-between-wakefulness-and-sleep mode, you'd believe anything, and confusion sets in.. and frankly i'd much rather turn over and go back to sleep. ah, sleep. pure bliss. anything could happen in dreams, you can make anything happen. dream a face into your ideal, a name to a place. and you don't have to deal with the consequences of anything. things always work out in the end, like in a drama serial or fairytale. i think all little girls dream of prince charmings and knights in shining armor. i know i did. (hah! foolishness!) well in reality, there isn't really any saving or being saved, is there? there's that bit from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - 'Joel, I'm not a concept. I want you to just keep that in your head. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.' i'm guilty of thinking of certain people as concepts. because, honey, it's safer. concepts don't bite, they don't even bark. you get to maintain that safe, cool and vaguely amused distance between you, a vacuum through which you pick up tiny nuances of discomfort. i don't like to think of them as having feelings, because i can't handle them. and because telling myself that you're just a concept gives me a (false?) sense of control. nobody likes to give in, even to themselves.
incidentally, my mother is surprisingly supportive of my un-decided decision to pierce a second earhole after a's. as i have mentioned before, if my parents are too supportive of something, i begin to doubt myself.. which is perhaps the intended result. jean said i looked like my mother the other day, and i shrieked in horror. i hope to marry a thin person so that the chances of my kids being thin will increase, even if only marginally. this goes under the list of Things I Don't (Really) Mean, so don't start throwing stick insects at me. and i should marry a doctor, because i constantly get accused of having hypochondria. found this on wikipedia:
Hypochondria can cause one or more of the following effects:
Anxiety attacks or Panic attacks (all right so i've been accused of being anxious / panicky and i admit to being excitable)
Depression (wow, we wonder why)
Fear of pending doom (at last, something that makes sense! suddenly i know why the world goes 'round!)
Loss of appetite (i wish)
Decreased libido (non-applicable)
Increased self-consciousness (alas, the darker cousin of self-awareness)
Decreased motivation in life. (this could also be because there is nothing to be motivated about)
and all the damned 'might-have-been's keep me up at night. i should stop swearing. and sleep, because it's the only state of mind in which everything makes sense and has happily-ever-afters.
i wish you existed.
9:02 PM ; 0 comments
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
i am NOT intoxicated, hah!
today was (mildly) eventful.
pe first thing in the morning - 2.4. and that, my dear friends, was the last time i will ever run that distance again. i don't even care about my timing, as long as i don't have to re-take it. trying to get sumin and huiying to keep running was even more tiring than running itself, and they eventually forced me to run on ahead. caught up with mari and heavy-breathed (heh heh =D) behind her for the last two laps. my heavy-breathing, which sounds stalker-ish at best and homicidal at worst, is greatly enhanced by my general breathing problems, hooray.
oh. and even more significantly, sumin told me that i might get water poisoning if i drink too much water. now, i agree that i do drink excessively (plain water, i mean) for someone who doesn't move around much. but come on, water poisoning? so i laughed in her face until she pointed out that too much water might mess with the salts in my bloodstream, and then i started feeling tingly and numb and weak. just before 2.4. oh, joy. and i kept thinking about it while running. and continued thinking about it all day. even as i emptied my 1 litre water bottle and filled it up and emptied it again (i ran, sweated like a pig, and thus it's okay). so i came home and checked online. apparently water poisoning does exist. and i don't have it. because i don't drink large amounts in a short amount of time. tadah. the only symptoms i exhibit are confusion (often followed by unrestrained and non-stop giggling as i topple off my chair) and frequent trips to the washroom. hahh!!
and because nanz threatened to blog about it, i shall beat her to it so my version gets read first. we met. i ate. actually, i ate the huge crouching tiger hidden bacon thing from breadtalk. by myself. in public. my appetite is an embarrassment. i would have eaten a bowl of cup noodles after that, but nanz refused to take me up on the dare. you can pretty much guess what it involved.. *coughrashescough*
did random stupid things after that. like smile to myself without realising it. and i kept catching random people's eyes. it's quite scary to think that i might be doing both in total oblivion. which i probably am, but oh well. random stupid things also included getting my shoelace stuck in the escalator and nearly falling on my face when i attempted to walk off, and almost toppling off another escalator backwards because my bag was too heavy. i am nanz's little bundle of joy =D
nobody wants to eat dinner at home now because my maid cooks awful food. but because i don't really want to tell her that, i just don't come home. same goes for my sister, i think. my mother's more blunt - besides, she pays her. and my father, being the richest of all, can afford to eat out. i suggested that we eat fruits for dinner every night since she can't do anything too terrible to fruits. i don't have quite enough moolah to eat out so often. and she also mended the ventilation holes in my shirt. =( with darker thread than that of the actual cloth. =( =( if you thought i looked poor before, with holes at the back of my shirt, wait til you see the mending. it looks third-hand. but i can't really blame her. she must have felt pressured into going on a mending-spree, what with my clothes miraculously springing tears all the time.
i just realised i do drink a lot of water. even my d/p is of me drinking water. i suppose i shall henceforth be known as mello the camel-at-a-well. the pls used to call me mello the clumsy pelican. as we were saying today, i looked just fine in the long blue satin skirt way back then.. but only when i stood still. the moment i started walking, i tended to step on my hem, curse loudly, hold it too far off the ground and stomp off.
8:38 PM ; 2 comments
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
until we die
just finished reading the transcript for 10 things i hate about you. it makes me wish i'd watched it. it is sweet, in a cliched sort of way. and eunice is absolutely correct; i love kat. but surprisingly i'm not so keen on patrick. i mean, he turns out to be nice.. but i don't think he's my sort. really prefer michael's sense of humour. just a bit less shakespeare - i'm not so keen on period pieces. shall find the dvd to watch sometime soon.
i guess siti's right in some ways. life isn't a poem you have to analyse for lit. but i don't analyse life the way i would a poem (i.e. badly). having found out that suicide doesn't automatically mean eternity in hell, since salvation is not based on deeds etc etc, i've begun to look at life a little differently. they say christians don't commit suicide because they (we) have hope in God, perseverance, purpose in life, etc.
i don't believe in hope (for me). because it only lets you down. same goes for expectations. expect nothing, hope for nothing, and you can never be disappointed. some people say it takes all the fun out of living. well, after more than a decade of chasing dreams and fall flat on my face, i think i know better now. nothing matters anymore; not grades, not money or how you look or what people think. it's what you really do with your life that makes a difference at the end of it.
you always have to melodramatize everything, don't you?
8:16 PM ; 0 comments
Monday, May 01, 2006
the day after the day after the day
some days i wake up with remnants of vivid dreams still etched firmly in my mind. and i tell myself not to forget the dreams, not to let them fade.. invariably, they do. and all i'm left with is the memory that i once had a dream, although i cannot remember what it was even about.
it was a nice dream. i was happy.
jean's a real sweetie. =) not that i didn't already know that, but she is constantly reminding me of the fact through the little things. i told her i spilt ink all over the inside of my pencil case, and she sewed me a nice one. sewed. it's dark blue-purple with some white butterflies on the outside, and a soft white cloth with sheepies inside. and all my pens fit, hooray! and she just msged to say that her mother is very impressed with my makeup skills, and has agreed to let her buy makeup. hahah!! all i did was smudge a little eyeliner (hers) on her eyelids and lend her my gloss. and i put a little invisible gel on her french braid to keep the stray bits in, if that counts. =D yay i'm so accomplished. HAHA moral of the story: let your best friend mess with your face if you want your mother to let you wear makeup. except she might take an eon if she can't draw the right and left eyes exactly the same..
we went for the strings concert. it was rather all right. the soloist was really, really good. i realise that at strings concerts, the winds tend to sound a lot less coordinated, but i guess there's less pressure on them. pity, because i rather prefer winds to strings. and concerts kinda spoil pop music for me.
i hate songs that have lyrics to the effect of 'i never knew fairytales came true until i met you' or something equally lame. i swear that if i ever meet The One (woohoo, that will be the day), i will not utter such cheesy lines. because fairytales don't, and i repeat, don't exist. period. don't need no knight in shining armor trying to right my wrongs and fight for my honour etc etc. i can right my own wrongs, fight for my own honour and slay my own bloody dragon, thank you very much. a little help would be useful, but it isn't necessary, so there!
10:35 PM ; 0 comments
dreams are made and used and wasted
the only thing worse than doing badly, or being seen as doing badly, is being part of the minority that does badly.
i hate the book i'm currently reading. i hate the two key characters. i hate them so much i'm only reading on to find out the extent of their evilness. he had black lashes, long and tangled, and eyes that shone in the light, but he was cold. too cold.
sorry if i'm not very good company tonight. i don't mean to be abrupt. i just can't find the words to say.
9:41 PM ; 0 comments
Monday, May 29, 2006
and because this is too mind-boggling not to share..
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/honda.php
enjoy.
11:06 PM ; 2 comments
barbed wire, baby
did a number of stupid things. well, there was an impressive range of 'extremely stupid' to 'mildly stupid'. got teased relentlessly by bev and nanz, but i don't really mind since iloveyouyoulovemewearehappyfamily. anyone else (outside of my immediate social circle / non-close-friend) who tries this stunt will be duly stabbed in the eye. i think i only do stupid things around them because i'm relaxed enough to be myself. oh dear, am i actually admitting to an inherent stupidity?
i use the words 'shit', 'sick' and 'freak' too much these days. as well as singlish slang. very, very bad habit that stems from a laziness to form full sentences and deliver them with proper enounciation. must correct this fault as soon as possible in order to avoid the appearance that i have indeed been changed by hwachong. although we all know this to be the case. previously, i would have answered 'imaginative' without much pondering to the 'imaginative vs realistic' question. well, i pondered last night, and came to the unfortunate conclusion that i am not one person. either that, or i am one person with an exceedingly unbalanced mind. or, possibly, i am one person with a balanced mind that has been split into two equally balanced but completely contradictory parts. oh, joy. realistic heart, imaginative mind. i think with my heart and feel with my brain. wait, do i even have a heart? *feels for a pulse* yeah i guess i do. i guess i should be grateful that jc life has made me even more cynical than before. that it robbed me of my delusioned fairytale dreams, my fondness for pastel colours and butterflies, and taught me an intense preference for black and bold rich colours. it was inevitable anyway.
and chris, why do you always call when i'm eating?? i know the heart calls to the heart, but i had no idea that the stomach calls to the stomach as well. anyway, i'm glad you called. even though it meant that bev now has three videos of me on her phone (she's obsessed with me, i swear. okay i'm kidding) and i'm looking extremely excited and motioning agitatedly in all three. oh, joy. thank goodness she will never figure out how to post it on the plc blog. but i love nachos with hot melted cheese.
oh and nanz, i shall get the sandals. =) oh happy day.
10:12 PM ; 0 comments
Sunday, May 28, 2006
another one of those things
from eunice's blog, because i'm in one of those moods. and because i'm a really conflicted person, x = yes and * = depends on the situation
Mark your confessions:
[*] I'm afraid of silence. (whose silence? yours, or mine?)
[*] I Talk A LOT when I get really nervous. (either talk too much or completely shut up)
[x] I am really ticklish.
[*] I'm afraid of the dark. (when my imagination runs away with me)
[*] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night. (depends on where i am)
[x] I can't sleep in a room if the door is open. (but i'm okay with open spaces)
[ ] I can't sleep in a room if the door is closed
[ ] I am afraid of gay or lesbian people.
[*] I believe in true love. (for whom?)
[ ] I've run away from home
[x] I listen to political music (sometimes. mildly political anyway. wait isn't everything political to a certain extent?)
[ ] I collect comic books
[*] I shut others out when I'm sad.
[x] I've stayed out all night.
[*] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[ ] I watch the news
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I love Disney movies.
[*] I am a sucker for green eyes. (depends on whose eyes right? and ditto below)
[*] I am a sucker for brown eyes.
[*] I am a sucker for blue eyes
[*] I dont kill bugs
[x] I curse.
[ ] I have an "x" in my screen name.
[x] I've slipped and fell in public.
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love Spam....
[ ] I bake well
[ ] I have worn pajamas to class.
[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie.
[*] I want a better job (define 'better')
[x] Talked on a phone for 6+ hours.
[ ] I love Dr. Phil.
[*] I like multiple people (also, define 'like')
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS. (never!)
[x] I am self-conscious.
[*] I love to laugh. (give me a reason to)
[ ] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[ ] I loved Lord of the Flies. (you psycho freak, you)
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I have a lot of scars.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I love chocolate.
[*] I bite my nails. (not the nail, per se, i just chew anxiously on my finger or knuckle)
[*] I am not comfortable with being me.
[ ] I play computer games when I'm bored.
[x] Gotten lost in the city. (ha. ha.)
[x] Thought of suicide before.
[x] Seen a shooting star.
[ ] Had a menage a trois.
[ ] Gone out in public in my pajamas
[ ] Have kissed someone really strange....
[ ] Hugged a stranger.
[ ] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of a diff. sex. (no blood)
[x] Been in a fist fight
[ ] Been arrested.
[x] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of my nose. (haha)
[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] made out in an elevator.
[ ] Swore at Liberace.
[ ] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose (someday, baby, someday)
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[x] Gotten stitches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
[x] Bitten someone (hey, kids do that..)
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[x] Gotten the chicken pox.
[ ] Crashed into a car...
[ ] been to Japan.
[x] Ridden in a taxi.
[ ] shoplifted
[ ] Been fired.
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] Stole something from your job.
[ ] Gone on a blind date.
[ ] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.
[ ]Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] Been to Europe.
[ ] Slept with a co-worker, and/or employee.
[ ] been to New York
[ ] Been married
[ ] Gotten divorced
[x] Saw someone/something dying.
[ ] Have a list of people you want to kill.
[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[ ] Been to Canada.
[x] Been on a Plane.
[ ] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] Thrown up in a bar or club
[x] Eaten sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding.
[*] Continued to care for someone sooo much even though you know you can't have them (define 'care for')
[ ] taken a picture just for the sole purpose ofputting it on myspace/friendster..
[ ] Been ice skating
[x] Cried in public.
[x] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.
[ ] been at a party and instead of giving out your phone number you give them your mypsace nameand say look me up
[x] liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have.
[x] Thought of someone a lot lately.
[*] Hate the world. (sometimes i hate it. other times i just don't care about it)
[x] Love someone who doesnt realize it (maybe i don't say it enough. i'm sorry, i love you =D )
[x] have your cell phone permanently attached to your hand/hip
[ ] cried over a guy/girl you didnt even go out with.
9:18 PM ; 0 comments
ten things
because mari tagged.
Take a look at your LJ friends list, then list up to 10 things you want to say to 10 different friends. DO NOT state who these people are. DO NOT confirm or deny any.
1. you've got the wit down pat, but you might need to work on the charm.
2. some habits are meant to be kicked.
3. i guess i take you for granted a lot of the time, but you're a really important part of my life.
4. don't be afraid, God is with you.
5. sometimes it's scary how our lives mirror each other's.
6. i don't know if i should trust you, or if trust is overrated in the first place.
7. i'm so happy for you it makes me cry and want to die, because it all seems so surreal. but then i'm emotional.
8. one day i'm gonna be happy for you too.
9. so, which dog would we get?
10. your smile lights up the room. fortunately, you use it often enough for people to know that.
okay, ten people:
1. jean
2. siti
3. nanz
4. mellie
5. eunice
6. serene
7. vank (you can reply as a comment if you like, haha)
8. chris (ditto)
9. gen (ditto again)
10. anyone else who cares to do it
8:33 PM ; 0 comments
on dreams and dreaming
was talking to bev today about my apparently paradoxical, slightly twisted but no less sincere mindset regarding dreams. i promised an elaboration, so here goes:
firstly, i subscribe to the philosophy that there are two types of dreams, and they need not be related. (okay, so there is no such philosophy. it's my personal philosophy.) there are the heart-dreams, which are the emotionally-invested dreams that most people pour their ambitions and heart-felt longings into. these are the ones that they take seriously, that they actively (to a certain extent) pursue, that stake them in the gut when they fall on them. then there are the mind-dreams. the emotionally-distant, relatively intellectual (in that they necessarily do not involve the heart) and often purely theoratical dreams. the dreams that you dream, consciously, forcefully, deliciously, while at the same time the other half of your brain laughs scornfully with a little ironic smile playing on its lips. the dreams you honestly don't expect to come true, don't wish them to. they may be completely flamboyant or seemingly realistic, but you don't fool yourself into believing their possibility, because you recognise that they are the conscious product of your overactive imagination. and that's how you want them. no strings attached. no emotional baggage, just a dream, an idea, a concept. they cannot trip you up, because they are not a part of you. separate, self-aware (sometimes self-conscious) and carefully controlled hypothetical dreams. yes, those are the mind-dreams.
did that clarify anything? probably not. i hate how inarticulate i am, and how language fails me, and how i cannot transfer by the touch of hand or a quick glance my thoughts (sans language) and jumbled waves of awareness. bev, bev, i have no heart-dreams. you know that. i suppose it comes as no surprise. the dreamer of dreams has no real dreams, only hollow ones that she consciously constructs out of dust and water vapour. she couldn't believe i don't want to study overseas. of course i have had such dreams. mind-dreams. but i know i won't go, can't go, so why heart-dream about it? it isn't practical. and yes bev, i'm still suffering from what you have termed a split-personality disorder, whereby half of me sighs and sings and swoons, and the other half laughs, with an ironic little twisted smile, at the foolish, cliched half. yesser.
but i still admire people who dare to dream, who dare to fall, who dare to think that they might somehow fly, and above all, who dare to do all that with both halves of their mind in complete congruence to each other.
by the way, i can handle being replaced by a girl-friend, but i resent being made to feel like a float you cling to until the dashing lifeguard comes along. honey, what happened to female solidarity? when it comes to people you can trust with your life, friends are forever, guys are for never.
7:37 PM ; 0 comments
Saturday, May 27, 2006
dreams are made and used and wasted
so, lit's over.
x-men was okay. i cringed everytime someone died. which was oh, every five minutes? towards the end i was in a state of permanent recoil. but hey, the firebadboy was pretty hot. young angel was very adorable, all scared and teary and apologetic about something he couldn't help being. old angel looked utterly glacial. jean grey scared me. power is a frightening thing. but i'd join the bad side if they weren't so cruel towards their own kind. i mean hey, if you don't like me, what makes you think i like you? i would probably scorn you if i could be bothered to. (this isn't very christian behaviour, i know, but at least it isn't active all-out war)
oh yeah. my phone rang midway through the lit exam. *cringes wildly* everyone in a three metre radius was glaring at my bag, which, unfortunately, was next to hy. sorry :S hy. i was so torn between agitation and anxiety that i started chewing on my thumb, which is a somewhat nervous habit of mine. oh well. andd i had my hair cut and my eyebrows plucked, all in one day. =D very efficient, i know.
sighh. i wish -
but you know i don't really believe in wishes.
no wishes, no heart-dreams, no genuine fantasies.
you could call me a coward.
10:34 PM ; 5 comments
Thursday, May 25, 2006
thoughts from the more-or-less permanently drugged
i finally did the inevitable, considering my memory and the fact that i pack my school bag just before rushing off to school. i forgot to bring my painkillers, which i discovered at seven in the morning when i was digging around in the aforementioned bag for them. my sister was asleep (oh the joys of neither schooling nor working), and my mother was supposed to go for a conference. nonetheless, faced with the threat of my ocp-ing asap, she managed to bring them down for me. i guess i ocp too much. and so, i stayed the day, relatively pain-free. i seem to be more or less permanently drugged during the school term. if it weren't so near to the exams (okay, lit on sat that i'm starting to get stressed about), i'd just try to sleep it off instead of popping pills. but hey, it won't look good if i fail the blocks.
ah yes, lit. i don't know what's going on. i highlighted/underlined the first one and a half chapters though. and i think we're tested up to chapter twelve. hmm. shall read her lecture notes. and pray very, very hard. hopefully i'll be able to smoke my way through paper eight too. then we can go paint the town red on sat night! =D nobody's online. i guess they're all studying. damn. shall read her lecture notes.
my sister's not home yet. =( i wanted to tell her what happened in school today, but i'll probably forget by the time she gets back. i hate going home alone. am sleepy. must persevere. and find the notes to read.
9:11 PM ; 0 comments
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
angels don't smile with their teeth
seem to be very tired for no apparent reason. can't stop yawning. i just woke up and i feel only marginally less tired than when i went to sleep a couple of hours ago. running out of painkillers. i can't remember how many i took today, but i guess i can take another.
my extremely bored sister tried to get me to play with her just now but i fell asleep haha. and anyway she couldn't find the monopoly. andd. i don't like playing games because i always lose. i've always lost at games for as long as i can remember. hell, i even lose at scissors-paper-stone every single time i play it. my ill-luck is as predictable as rain in may. and you wonder why i have no confidence in anything i do.
and.. 4/6 day is coming!!! =D can someone confirm the plans, by the way?
7:36 PM ; 0 comments
Monday, May 22, 2006
my pebbly thoughts
just got a call. gahhhh. am useless. am bloody, bloody useless. and all i can say is, 'i hope you're okay'. language is so pointless. particularly when it doesn't say anything at all. or maybe there just isn't anything to say. i'm such a pebble.
and the river's just passing, passing me by.
eh, damn, i think i'm going to go crazy when you leave. the depth of my affection and bond is directly related to how much i sigh and stare into space when you're gone. and if you both go at the same time.. it'll be a lot like looking up into fate's gleeful grin as it trips me. repeatedly.
am reading 'the go-between'. the prologue begins thus - 'the past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.' well the future is a foreign country too; they do things mysteriously there. and the future's a country i'm afraid to visit. i've always had this morbid albeit mild fear of crashing. not because i fear death, but because i fear fear, and i know everyone around me would be panicking and i tend to ride on other people's emotions and yeah.
today was the last day my sister went to school with me. and i had to come home first because i had piano, instead of waiting for her. now we'll never go home together after school again. school's going to be this much lonelier *waves arms wildly* now that i've actually had reasonable company for half a year. and i'll have to wait til we're both home before i can talk to her about the day. she hasn't even left the country yet and already i'm suffering from sibling-withdrawal symptoms. i think i'll go back to sleep. it's too hard trying to deal with my stupidity when i'm anything but slightly comatose.
8:36 PM ; 2 comments
Sunday, May 21, 2006
here goes
sometimes i get so worked up / agitated / distracted that i talk very fast and eat very fast and the only thing that calms me down is chewing anxiously on my knuckles. unfortunately i can't do that in public, so.. i overeat. damn, i'm like some crazed hamster.
so here we go - now we - oh no - i know - oh no
betcha i'll end up sounding like that one day. because i already do, sometimes. all right, a lot of the time. hesitant, incoherent, and blurted out. damn.
in theory, 'disaster' would translate into something irresistably intriguing. for you. in reality you would run as fast as you could in the opposite direction. which leaves me to wonder, what do the real-life disasters do? the byronic heroes. and sometimes getting burnt once isn't good enough for you. sometimes they teach you that getting burnt is what you want. and that, my dear, is the true disaster. not that it makes it any less hot, but ugh i should stop here.
am very glad for the pls. but maybe it's a good thing that we don't spend every minute together. you'd end up resenting me. i'm a bit like a tonic - reasonably useful in small amounts (okay give me the benefit of the doubt) but utterly toxic in large amounts. i shall live and die an old maid. but you're welcome to stay next door.
8:05 PM ; 0 comments
Friday, May 19, 2006
i should tell you
new rule: if anything happens to you, however trivial, you have to tell the rest of us asap or risk us descending on you like a swarm of anxious bees within the hour of finally being informed. this includes new eyecandies, however fleeting, because we love teasing =D
oh, and just to let the oblivious / blur pls know.. yep, the 9th is on, i've booked the pits, just tell me what food to prepare and what we're gonna do before the bbq.
and so, we met. and i had a good look at mervyn this time. he seemed rather.. *cough* familiar with the hospital. i hope i didn't come off as too ditzy, but then again i always do when i'm comfortable with people. rest well, mel! and don't forget to press the right petal regularly =D
let's see. aside from mellie who was supposed to be recovering, nanz was as blur as ever, bev was on a war-time diet of porridge, potatoes and sweet potatoes, sam was her usual sardonic self, and serene was typically narcisstic. i have too many pictures of the latter on my phone. and i refuse to believe that i use such big arm movements when i'm talking. even though bev took a 3 minute video of me in action, literally. i mean, hey, i think it only happens when you girls are around, because i get really excited and start gesticulating wildly even when what i'm saying is nothing important and nanz has heard it fifteen times. i bet i'd be more alive in school if you were here.. or if i were there. but hey, too late for regrets, we're a year and a half too late for that. i'm not going to regret, i'm just gonna live for the moments (and blessed, blessed hours) when we are together. damn, i'm getting sentimental.
oh, and i like 'i should tell you' from the rent soundtrack:
i should tell you i'm disaster
i forget how to begin it
let's just make this part go faster
i have yet to be in it
i should tell you
i should tell you
i should tell you
i should tell you
i should tell i blew the candle out
just to get back in
i'd forgotten how to smile
until your candle burned my skin
i should tell you
i should tell you
i should tell -
well here we go
now we -
oh no
i know - this something is -
here goes
here goes
guess so, it's starting to -
who knows
who knows
who knows where
who goes there
who knows
here goes
trusting desire - starting to learn
walking through fire without a burn
clinging a shoulder a leap begins
stinging and older, asleep on pins
so here we go
now we
oh no
i know
oh no
who goes where - who goes there
here goes - here goes
here goes - here goes
here goes - here goes
okay so it's tons better sung. and in context. yes. anyway, roger and mimi.
oh, and just to inform those who don't already know.. i'm the only person on earth who's got the hots for cameron, but that's okay, i'm a unique and beautiful snowflake =D okay enough with the barfing. i'll see you soon!
and oh, i should tell you - i'm disaster
8:33 PM ; 0 comments
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
and fighting all the demons will take time
so, i'm allergic to synflex. had a really bad allergic reaction to it during lit lecture, where i tried to make one packet of tissue last an hour, while my nose was dripping and i couldn't breathe and my eye was all itchy and swollen. slept for about 5 hours before i remembered to go to the doctor. now the nose is fine but my throat really hurts and the left side of my face is still swollen. this really sucks because all the other painkillers have stopped working. even arcoxia. and i don't want to rely on ponstan for daily use. i'll find out tomorrow if i'm allergic to ultracet.
sun / moon. fire / ice. gold /silver. i can't decide. each with its own fatal attraction, intrinsic latent danger. everyone loves a little aggression, because it's raw and intense and slightly animalistic, and you could burn together, smothered in your own fire. but there's something horribly attractive about a silent, cool stillness that draws you like a persuasive magnet. i really can't decide. maybe i should go back to sleep.
and are we ever, are we ever gonna learn to fly
8:12 PM ; 0 comments
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
as taken from eunice, the hopeless romantic
from eunice. heh.
Open iTunes. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.
Sort by Song -
First Song: ...And Then I Kissed Him, Pearl Harbour OST
Last Song: Your Song, Elton John
Sort by Time -
Shortest Song: Tune Up #3, Rent OST
Longest Song: La Vie Boheme, Rent OST
Sort by Artist -
First Artist: Air Supply
Last Artist: Young Will
Sort by Album -
First Album: 10 Things I Hate About You OST
Last Album: You Light Up My Life
Search the Keyword - song title only - and see how many songs appear:
"Sex": 1
"Death": 2
"Love": 101
"You": 156
"Me": 194
"Drug": 0
"Hate": 3
Shuffle your library and list the first five songs. No padding your playlist you hipster, you. Be honest!! or I'll kill you.
1. Making Love Out Of Nothing At All - Air Supply
2. Hello Darling - Kenny G
3. Even The Nights Are Better - Air Supply
4. Ribbons Undone - Tori Amos
5. Superwoman - Karen White
Total music: 842 songs (eh i realise i deleted a lot of songs! hooray)
10:39 PM ; 0 comments
Monday, May 15, 2006
they burn inside
i'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
random message to nanz that apparently caused her to burst out laughing in her school's quiet library: 'hey, what time do you finish school? let's run away together! =D' and so we ran away (okay, really strolled off) to the esplanade library after school. and being me (i.e. The One With Negative Sense of Direction), i kept forgetting where the bus stop was when we were going home. 'kept forgetting', because we headed in the wrong direction at least twice. and it turns out that she has 'angels or devils' already! yayness! =D now everyone wants to do the vank trick and steal all my songs directly out of my itunes.
random words: empty. cement tongue, hollow mouth. mocking weight of air. phantom cries in the still, dark night. 'mommy, mommy'. brave smiles, because bravery is all you've ever known.
i'm sorrier than i show.
and i can see the pain in you.. and i can see the love in you.. and fighting all the demons will take time..
10:05 PM ; 2 comments
Sunday, May 14, 2006
angels or devils - dishwalla
this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside
I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
this is the last time that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see
still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us
if I was to give in - give it up- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
11:25 PM ; 0 comments
i'm trying to imagine it, but i can't. i'm a cold, heartless bitch. i turned over and read the newspaper. and then i cried a little. but i can't feel it. i can't feel anything. stab me.
i can't even write, because i feel nothing.
and at the other end of the world, someone is crying.
7:13 PM ; 0 comments
Friday, May 12, 2006
toy soldiers
sighhhh
i'm a social wreck. i can't even hold a proper conversation with my own cousin. who is our age. i came home and whined to my sister (who stayed home sick with freshly painted vampire-red nails), who exclaimed, 'it isn't even a social situation, he's your cousin!' yeah thanks i know. =( social wreck, social wreck. come to think of it, i can't even talk to my current classmates. sigh.
will i lose my dignity, will someone care? will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?
it frightens me that you're ageing. the little signs; your white hair and slow walk, the way you get tired so easily. but it would be even more frightening if you didn't age, even a little.
and because one-word answers are so fragile, i wish you wouldn't throw them at me like a hand-grenade.
i don't even know why i try, sometimes.
9:26 PM ; 0 comments
hehh
took the vampire red polish off because i don't want to scare my grandmother tonight. and because i don't feel vampirish (i.e. wild, over-the-top, blood-drawing and freakily dramatic) this morning.
i did, however, feel mildly amused enough by life to do this:
| Your Love Element Is Metal |
 You attract others with wit and a bit of flash.Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you. Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life.You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past. You connect best with: Earth Avoid: Fire You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other |
except, my 16pf analysis (which had an entire page of negative traits, compared to jan's two lines) claims that i'm too caught up with the past. sadly, i agree.
i foresee myself getting extremely pissed off in about two hours when my mother's friends come over for lunch. and i predict that my own children will feel the same way if (or can i say when?) the pls continue coming over twice a year for bbqs. or at least the neighbours will. the noise, the noise.
am considering switching to lj. and because i take so long to make up my mind, i'll probably still be considering at the end of the month. on the other hand, i'm too easily convinced so maybe i'll make the switch tomorrow. randomly and seemingly for no reason.
10:46 AM ; 0 comments
Thursday, May 11, 2006
and so -
i'm currently sporting blood-red nails on my left hand, courtesy of nanz, who convinced me that the shade 'vampire red' was very dramatic and buy-able. implications aside, i have to confess to both having a dramatic flair (royal purple tops and eyeliner, anyone?) and being too easily convinced. i'll take it off when i've had my fun.
met nanz in town after brunch and a movie with some classmates (the movie was 'when a stranger calls', which someone said was a psychological thriller, but which i found vaguely amusing for some obscure reason, excluding that which implies the possibility that i'm psychotic) and proceeded to be our usual selves. she bought a lovely purple (yay!! taste is influential) top and nude nail polish (it really is) somewhere between the three hours in which we roamed about town trying on everything and anything. stupidity, as i should have known, is pretty much inevitable when i'm around nanz. i tried on some ugly bright red nail polish just for the heck of it, only to realise that that particular store didn't have any nail polish remover in it. chaos and much distress ensued until i had a brainwave (me [triumphantly]: 'i am a genius!!' nanz [drily]: you were stupid enough to put on nail polish without checking for a remover in the first place!') that involved pasting a tigger plaster over my nail to hide it. thank goodness nanz is my little bundle of joy too =D yay i love you!!! (i am exceedingly easy to convince. and scarily so.)
can't wait for my sister to come home so i can show off my scary nails and tease her about today. my mother just came in to nag me about not doing my work. funnily enough, i was considering doing it until she nagged me. now i'm tempted to slack off tonight just to be difficult, which is extremely immature and pointless, but the knowledge of which doesn't prevent me from feeling that way in any case. so i shall be mature (haha) and rational about it, and do my homework. yes yes. and then my sister'll come in and we'll yabber for hours. if she leaves, the house will feel so empty. first chris, then jean, and now maybe her. soon the only person still stepping into my room regularly to visit with me will be my mother.
something scared me recently. but the chances of it happening to me are highly unlikely since first and foremost, hardly anyone knows about this blog (and i give my url fairly freely since i doubt anyone will read), and secondly, i'm hardly funny, intelligent or controversial enough to be quotable. so.. paranoia is irrational and unjustified, yes?
oh. and we had sports day today. it was a mass practice in both fine arts of playing truant (fondly known as 'ponning' in hc, pronounced as pon1 by the anglophiles, and pon3 by the chinese-educated) and leaving early (preferably as soon as the attendance has been marked). ah, the blissful anonymity of jc life.
9:03 PM ; 2 comments
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
love is overrated
i wasn't paying attention in lit tut today. for once. firstly because i didn't see the need to (was getting quite impatient with the needless repetition and pointless points), and secondly because i was distracted by the book. god of small things is so freaking sad. the bit where estha leaves on the train, and they try to say everything while saying nothing at all. the bit where rahel is so hung up that 'a little less her mother loved her'. the love laws. that lay down who should be loved, and how, and how much.
if he touched her, he couldn't talk to her, if he loved her he couldn't leave, if he spoke he couldn't listen, if he fought he couldn't win.
the slippery glint of sunlight on a swirling, twirling disc exploding across the air.
i'm listening to the rent soundtrack. nice music, nice singing.. what's there not to like? occasionally funny, poignant and sad.. i like 'will i' in particular. only four lines, sung over and over by several characters, blending and melding into each other, harmonized but separate. pain is rather personal. will i lose my dignity.. will someone care? will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?
i have never liked my name.
i remember you, and quite well at that, although i pretend not to. i don't know why i do that. no wait maybe i do. because it saves me a lot of embarrassment, and puts me on a sort of moral (out of oblivion, really) high ground. and because i'm a bitch. oh, joy.
but sometimes i really do forget people.. and quite often at that.. names and faces and not-so familiar places. i forget how we came together and how we parted, whether or not your smile reached your eyes, and how you were wearing your mask that day. names are easiest to forget, i guess, unless i really liked your name or it struck me for some reason. but mostly i have a recollection of a shape, a shadow, a silhouette, and nothing more.
you're so unguarded when you think no one's watching. but isn't everyone? it's so tiring to keep up the charade.
my black diamond.
and because i hate talking about money, i will snap if you insist on bringing it up.
8:30 PM ; 0 comments
Monday, May 08, 2006
on 7th may, 2004
and i just realised what date yesterday was. damn. how could i forget?
7th may. do you remember? breathless fear, worry, pain. the way we clutched each other and held hands and prayed, even though we knew somehow that she was already gone. two years on and i still feel the chills thinking about that day, the still air and choked sobs. i remember the way farrah fell sobbing to the ground, clutching her middle. the way i ran to mellie in the canteen and hugged her, singing 'God will make a way'. i remember holding hands, holding hands. i remember turning around to siti, red-eyed, and asking her if we could raise the school flag to half-mast. i remember watching it being lowered slowly the next day, and how i've never been able to look at a flag at half-mast ever since without a twist of pain. i remember resenting the media reports. i remember it was mothers' day that weekend. i remember hating her for being so cold and untouched and vaguely amused, i remember screaming, 'that's someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's wife and someone's friend'. i remember the orbituary page. i remember 'superwoman' and 'be thou my vision'. i remember holding you. i remember my last guard-of-honour duty. saluting as it went past. my last salute. guards-of-honour show no emotion. i remember i was afraid i might cry. but i don't remember if i did, then. there was so much crying in the days after 7th may that i just don't remember every detail anymore.
and i remember the day i found those verses, the beatitudes, underlined in my study bible, with a single date written beside them.
why am i the only one who's still so hung up about it? move on, girl, move on. you don't have to wrap every shard of glass around your heart.
but i still remember. do you?
8:46 PM ; 0 comments
i wish the stars would turn you in
fell sick quite suddenly halfway through the sermon yesterday. have been more or less asleep ever since. have hell a lot of homework to do. am pissed off with myself for taking out my pissy-ness on other people.
chris is coming back after blocks. yay! =) but only for a short while. =(
am hopelessly confused. been eating toasted milk bread all day. nearly finishing the loaf now.
i hate the way you're so mind-blowingly intelligent and witty and funny it just cracks me up all the time. i hate it that you've perfected the art of subtle cruelty. but most of all, i hate it that i'm me, and you're you, and 'never the twain shall meet'.
gahhh. viral infections do this to the mind. more toast, please.
7:54 PM ; 0 comments
Friday, May 05, 2006
grown-up christmas list
today was relatively exciting, mainly because of my penchant for rooting for the underdogs.
classmate had squash finals; we were sent to support him. it was very noisy. realised that my cousin is, indeed, a very good player. so is the aforementioned classmate. and other random people. rj has really some really emo players. all the up-against-the-wall heavy breathing and when-will-this-end tortured looks, plus occasional racquet throwing.. well, everyone was rooting for the last player on our side. and only partially because he looked so very woebegone and little-boyish every time the other side scored a point. later we realised he's actually almost ridiculously tall, and hence disqualified from the title of 'little boy'. but anyway.
opposition rally. why did it feel so illegal going to it? as renhui said, it was like being communist or something. it isn't everyday that you get to hear people slamming the current government in public. the thing is, we've grown up in this environment. we've learnt the fine art of self-censorship. we all have lofty ideals about freedom of speech and equality etc etc, but how many of us actually believe they are achievable? i don't. i've never experienced it, so i can't imagine what it would be like not to live in fear of being sued, or actually being taken seriously. maybe i'm just cynical, i don't really think we can make a difference. the government, the country have become too synonymous with the ruling party. i think i should stop here. just in case. see, self-censorship. sigh.
am tired. shall sleep.
11:35 PM ; 3 comments
Thursday, May 04, 2006
... looking for her own peace of mind
you single-handedly make it impossible for me to be coherent.
funny how when you're in that in-between-wakefulness-and-sleep mode, you'd believe anything, and confusion sets in.. and frankly i'd much rather turn over and go back to sleep. ah, sleep. pure bliss. anything could happen in dreams, you can make anything happen. dream a face into your ideal, a name to a place. and you don't have to deal with the consequences of anything. things always work out in the end, like in a drama serial or fairytale. i think all little girls dream of prince charmings and knights in shining armor. i know i did. (hah! foolishness!) well in reality, there isn't really any saving or being saved, is there? there's that bit from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - 'Joel, I'm not a concept. I want you to just keep that in your head. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.' i'm guilty of thinking of certain people as concepts. because, honey, it's safer. concepts don't bite, they don't even bark. you get to maintain that safe, cool and vaguely amused distance between you, a vacuum through which you pick up tiny nuances of discomfort. i don't like to think of them as having feelings, because i can't handle them. and because telling myself that you're just a concept gives me a (false?) sense of control. nobody likes to give in, even to themselves.
incidentally, my mother is surprisingly supportive of my un-decided decision to pierce a second earhole after a's. as i have mentioned before, if my parents are too supportive of something, i begin to doubt myself.. which is perhaps the intended result. jean said i looked like my mother the other day, and i shrieked in horror. i hope to marry a thin person so that the chances of my kids being thin will increase, even if only marginally. this goes under the list of Things I Don't (Really) Mean, so don't start throwing stick insects at me. and i should marry a doctor, because i constantly get accused of having hypochondria. found this on wikipedia:
Hypochondria can cause one or more of the following effects:
Anxiety attacks or Panic attacks (all right so i've been accused of being anxious / panicky and i admit to being excitable)
Depression (wow, we wonder why)
Fear of pending doom (at last, something that makes sense! suddenly i know why the world goes 'round!)
Loss of appetite (i wish)
Decreased libido (non-applicable)
Increased self-consciousness (alas, the darker cousin of self-awareness)
Decreased motivation in life. (this could also be because there is nothing to be motivated about)
and all the damned 'might-have-been's keep me up at night. i should stop swearing. and sleep, because it's the only state of mind in which everything makes sense and has happily-ever-afters.
i wish you existed.
9:02 PM ; 0 comments
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
i am NOT intoxicated, hah!
today was (mildly) eventful.
pe first thing in the morning - 2.4. and that, my dear friends, was the last time i will ever run that distance again. i don't even care about my timing, as long as i don't have to re-take it. trying to get sumin and huiying to keep running was even more tiring than running itself, and they eventually forced me to run on ahead. caught up with mari and heavy-breathed (heh heh =D) behind her for the last two laps. my heavy-breathing, which sounds stalker-ish at best and homicidal at worst, is greatly enhanced by my general breathing problems, hooray.
oh. and even more significantly, sumin told me that i might get water poisoning if i drink too much water. now, i agree that i do drink excessively (plain water, i mean) for someone who doesn't move around much. but come on, water poisoning? so i laughed in her face until she pointed out that too much water might mess with the salts in my bloodstream, and then i started feeling tingly and numb and weak. just before 2.4. oh, joy. and i kept thinking about it while running. and continued thinking about it all day. even as i emptied my 1 litre water bottle and filled it up and emptied it again (i ran, sweated like a pig, and thus it's okay). so i came home and checked online. apparently water poisoning does exist. and i don't have it. because i don't drink large amounts in a short amount of time. tadah. the only symptoms i exhibit are confusion (often followed by unrestrained and non-stop giggling as i topple off my chair) and frequent trips to the washroom. hahh!!
and because nanz threatened to blog about it, i shall beat her to it so my version gets read first. we met. i ate. actually, i ate the huge crouching tiger hidden bacon thing from breadtalk. by myself. in public. my appetite is an embarrassment. i would have eaten a bowl of cup noodles after that, but nanz refused to take me up on the dare. you can pretty much guess what it involved.. *coughrashescough*
did random stupid things after that. like smile to myself without realising it. and i kept catching random people's eyes. it's quite scary to think that i might be doing both in total oblivion. which i probably am, but oh well. random stupid things also included getting my shoelace stuck in the escalator and nearly falling on my face when i attempted to walk off, and almost toppling off another escalator backwards because my bag was too heavy. i am nanz's little bundle of joy =D
nobody wants to eat dinner at home now because my maid cooks awful food. but because i don't really want to tell her that, i just don't come home. same goes for my sister, i think. my mother's more blunt - besides, she pays her. and my father, being the richest of all, can afford to eat out. i suggested that we eat fruits for dinner every night since she can't do anything too terrible to fruits. i don't have quite enough moolah to eat out so often. and she also mended the ventilation holes in my shirt. =( with darker thread than that of the actual cloth. =( =( if you thought i looked poor before, with holes at the back of my shirt, wait til you see the mending. it looks third-hand. but i can't really blame her. she must have felt pressured into going on a mending-spree, what with my clothes miraculously springing tears all the time.
i just realised i do drink a lot of water. even my d/p is of me drinking water. i suppose i shall henceforth be known as mello the camel-at-a-well. the pls used to call me mello the clumsy pelican. as we were saying today, i looked just fine in the long blue satin skirt way back then.. but only when i stood still. the moment i started walking, i tended to step on my hem, curse loudly, hold it too far off the ground and stomp off.
8:38 PM ; 2 comments
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
until we die
just finished reading the transcript for 10 things i hate about you. it makes me wish i'd watched it. it is sweet, in a cliched sort of way. and eunice is absolutely correct; i love kat. but surprisingly i'm not so keen on patrick. i mean, he turns out to be nice.. but i don't think he's my sort. really prefer michael's sense of humour. just a bit less shakespeare - i'm not so keen on period pieces. shall find the dvd to watch sometime soon.
i guess siti's right in some ways. life isn't a poem you have to analyse for lit. but i don't analyse life the way i would a poem (i.e. badly). having found out that suicide doesn't automatically mean eternity in hell, since salvation is not based on deeds etc etc, i've begun to look at life a little differently. they say christians don't commit suicide because they (we) have hope in God, perseverance, purpose in life, etc.
i don't believe in hope (for me). because it only lets you down. same goes for expectations. expect nothing, hope for nothing, and you can never be disappointed. some people say it takes all the fun out of living. well, after more than a decade of chasing dreams and fall flat on my face, i think i know better now. nothing matters anymore; not grades, not money or how you look or what people think. it's what you really do with your life that makes a difference at the end of it.
you always have to melodramatize everything, don't you?
8:16 PM ; 0 comments
Monday, May 01, 2006
the day after the day after the day
some days i wake up with remnants of vivid dreams still etched firmly in my mind. and i tell myself not to forget the dreams, not to let them fade.. invariably, they do. and all i'm left with is the memory that i once had a dream, although i cannot remember what it was even about.
it was a nice dream. i was happy.
jean's a real sweetie. =) not that i didn't already know that, but she is constantly reminding me of the fact through the little things. i told her i spilt ink all over the inside of my pencil case, and she sewed me a nice one. sewed. it's dark blue-purple with some white butterflies on the outside, and a soft white cloth with sheepies inside. and all my pens fit, hooray! and she just msged to say that her mother is very impressed with my makeup skills, and has agreed to let her buy makeup. hahah!! all i did was smudge a little eyeliner (hers) on her eyelids and lend her my gloss. and i put a little invisible gel on her french braid to keep the stray bits in, if that counts. =D yay i'm so accomplished. HAHA moral of the story: let your best friend mess with your face if you want your mother to let you wear makeup. except she might take an eon if she can't draw the right and left eyes exactly the same..
we went for the strings concert. it was rather all right. the soloist was really, really good. i realise that at strings concerts, the winds tend to sound a lot less coordinated, but i guess there's less pressure on them. pity, because i rather prefer winds to strings. and concerts kinda spoil pop music for me.
i hate songs that have lyrics to the effect of 'i never knew fairytales came true until i met you' or something equally lame. i swear that if i ever meet The One (woohoo, that will be the day), i will not utter such cheesy lines. because fairytales don't, and i repeat, don't exist. period. don't need no knight in shining armor trying to right my wrongs and fight for my honour etc etc. i can right my own wrongs, fight for my own honour and slay my own bloody dragon, thank you very much. a little help would be useful, but it isn't necessary, so there!
10:35 PM ; 0 comments