Thursday, May 04, 2006
... looking for her own peace of mind

you single-handedly make it impossible for me to be coherent.

funny how when you're in that in-between-wakefulness-and-sleep mode, you'd believe anything, and confusion sets in.. and frankly i'd much rather turn over and go back to sleep. ah, sleep. pure bliss. anything could happen in dreams, you can make anything happen. dream a face into your ideal, a name to a place. and you don't have to deal with the consequences of anything. things always work out in the end, like in a drama serial or fairytale. i think all little girls dream of prince charmings and knights in shining armor. i know i did. (hah! foolishness!) well in reality, there isn't really any saving or being saved, is there? there's that bit from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind - 'Joel, I'm not a concept. I want you to just keep that in your head. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked-up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.' i'm guilty of thinking of certain people as concepts. because, honey, it's safer. concepts don't bite, they don't even bark. you get to maintain that safe, cool and vaguely amused distance between you, a vacuum through which you pick up tiny nuances of discomfort. i don't like to think of them as having feelings, because i can't handle them. and because telling myself that you're just a concept gives me a (false?) sense of control. nobody likes to give in, even to themselves.

incidentally, my mother is surprisingly supportive of my un-decided decision to pierce a second earhole after a's. as i have mentioned before, if my parents are too supportive of something, i begin to doubt myself.. which is perhaps the intended result. jean said i looked like my mother the other day, and i shrieked in horror. i hope to marry a thin person so that the chances of my kids being thin will increase, even if only marginally. this goes under the list of Things I Don't (Really) Mean, so don't start throwing stick insects at me. and i should marry a doctor, because i constantly get accused of having hypochondria. found this on wikipedia:

Hypochondria can cause one or more of the following effects:
Anxiety attacks or Panic attacks (all right so i've been accused of being anxious / panicky and i admit to being excitable)
Depression (wow, we wonder why)
Fear of pending doom (at last, something that makes sense! suddenly i know why the world goes 'round!)
Loss of appetite (i wish)
Decreased libido (non-applicable)
Increased self-consciousness (alas, the darker cousin of self-awareness)
Decreased motivation in life. (this could also be because there is nothing to be motivated about)

and all the damned 'might-have-been's keep me up at night. i should stop swearing. and sleep, because it's the only state of mind in which everything makes sense and has happily-ever-afters.

i wish you existed.
9:02 PM ; 0 comments