Sunday, May 28, 2006
on dreams and dreaming

was talking to bev today about my apparently paradoxical, slightly twisted but no less sincere mindset regarding dreams. i promised an elaboration, so here goes:

firstly, i subscribe to the philosophy that there are two types of dreams, and they need not be related. (okay, so there is no such philosophy. it's my personal philosophy.) there are the heart-dreams, which are the emotionally-invested dreams that most people pour their ambitions and heart-felt longings into. these are the ones that they take seriously, that they actively (to a certain extent) pursue, that stake them in the gut when they fall on them. then there are the mind-dreams. the emotionally-distant, relatively intellectual (in that they necessarily do not involve the heart) and often purely theoratical dreams. the dreams that you dream, consciously, forcefully, deliciously, while at the same time the other half of your brain laughs scornfully with a little ironic smile playing on its lips. the dreams you honestly don't expect to come true, don't wish them to. they may be completely flamboyant or seemingly realistic, but you don't fool yourself into believing their possibility, because you recognise that they are the conscious product of your overactive imagination. and that's how you want them. no strings attached. no emotional baggage, just a dream, an idea, a concept. they cannot trip you up, because they are not a part of you. separate, self-aware (sometimes self-conscious) and carefully controlled hypothetical dreams. yes, those are the mind-dreams.

did that clarify anything? probably not. i hate how inarticulate i am, and how language fails me, and how i cannot transfer by the touch of hand or a quick glance my thoughts (sans language) and jumbled waves of awareness. bev, bev, i have no heart-dreams. you know that. i suppose it comes as no surprise. the dreamer of dreams has no real dreams, only hollow ones that she consciously constructs out of dust and water vapour. she couldn't believe i don't want to study overseas. of course i have had such dreams. mind-dreams. but i know i won't go, can't go, so why heart-dream about it? it isn't practical. and yes bev, i'm still suffering from what you have termed a split-personality disorder, whereby half of me sighs and sings and swoons, and the other half laughs, with an ironic little twisted smile, at the foolish, cliched half. yesser.

but i still admire people who dare to dream, who dare to fall, who dare to think that they might somehow fly, and above all, who dare to do all that with both halves of their mind in complete congruence to each other.

by the way, i can handle being replaced by a girl-friend, but i resent being made to feel like a float you cling to until the dashing lifeguard comes along. honey, what happened to female solidarity? when it comes to people you can trust with your life, friends are forever, guys are for never.
7:37 PM ; 0 comments