Friday, June 09, 2006
the smell of smoke

so, it rained for the first time during one of our bbqs. fortunately we were able to pack up and escape upstairs quite quickly. and damn, still haven't cleared the pit. hope they don't fine me. maybe i'll go do it tomorrow before they check. or i could say it was raining, we escaped, and i forgot. but that's a lie!! ugh.

everyone loves roger. okay, most of them. i'm starting to think that in reality i'd go with a mark because rogers are just so intimidatingly.. perfect? in an angsty, sensitive artist kinda way. but mark's just cute in an adorable, geeky sort of way. yup. i think we agreed on that a few hours ago. damn, we talk a lot. and erh i'm glad i got some stuff off my chest. even though it's not the full story (which is too embarrassing to tell, really, i'm a total idiot) and it's just one of many that i never really got around to telling.. thanks for not condemning me.. to my face anyway. gahh i'm so messed up. sorry.

every now and then i get a little scared.. we talk like you're gonna get married, i insist on being made the pianist even though we all know i'd never play in public, we fool around like we did years ago, but we're getting older.. and what if, at the end of all of this, these were just words, just jest? and i'll always be the one jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air yelling, 'i'll be the pianist!! i'll be the pianist!!' and never actually having anyone play the piano for me? yeah i pride myself on being a strong independent woman who believes in her feminist rights, etc etc, and i bet your kids will love me (haaa. okay maybe your dog will..), but what if my dogs hate me? okay that didn't make sense.

feelings.. nothing more than - feelings. am i overly suspicious and cynical, or are you too trusting? am i affecting the others more than i should? maybe they wouldn't have found him suspect if i hadn't pressed on about it. how do you rationalize objectively about something as subjective as a person? everyone has different sides, different facets that show up among different people. ugh. why can't all guys just blow up and die? we were so good without them. we were a team huh. dissing them and laughing at them and coming up with a whole series of actions to ridicule a certain group of them.. in books, on the screen, in songs, we can dissect them and reach objective conclusions. in reality, someone could get hurt and i hope it isn't you, or i'm running over there with a chopper.

oh, by the way, thanks for the shoes!! =D even though everyone looks better in them than me. -_- rather typical of my life, but i'm really pleased with them anyway, they're purple!!! =D and the shade that i love! a bit high, but hell, i could use the elevation. thanks for all the trouble you went through yeah? i love you all. oh crap my eyes are leaking now.
11:41 PM ; 2 comments