Saturday, June 17, 2006
somewhere inbetween

had a lot of things on my mind last night, but the thoughts have since faded from memory. i guess if they weren't important enough to be remembered in the first place, then i needn't bother with them, but by that reasoning, nothing would be important.

aside from the theological stuff that i learnt at camp, i also discovered that i need a lot of personal space. maybe that's why chris and i couldn't live together for more than a few days. i mean, i'm a snuggly person when i feel like it, but i also need my own space. i need time alone to think, to breathe, to well be alone. i guess i really liked it alone in the afternoon or at night when deborah (church friend and roommate) went off, and i just sat or lay there by myself, reading or thinking. and then i managed to cheese off two guys within five minutes, the first by being unfriendly and 'dao', the second by rejecting his very kind invitation to join the others at the beach (apparently i was the only one to say no, oops). maybe i should hang a sign around my neck saying 'highly flammable, do not disturb'. except sometimes i get happy and snuggly. gah.

and yep, i definitely have acquired a taste for death cab for cutie. surprisingly frank, whimsical and fresh lyrics, tunes that are easy on the ears, pretty cool drumming and guitar backgrounds.. a preoccupation with death in a non-morbid way, and a detachment that i appreciate. blame sher. i'm still in love with rent, though. musicals just have this charm. good singing, classically-trained-and-therefore-almost-perfect harmonies, characters, a storyline (complete with introduction, build-up, climax and resolution) and yeah i really like the way their voices blend together so beautifully. a piece of art, really.

on the bus back to singapore last night i spent quite a long while craning my neck to peer at the stars and scribbling down random words and phrases in the almost-complete darkness. i haven't checked my notebook yet, hopefully i'll be able to make sense of what i scrawled. i haven't written in ages. a year? maybe less. nothing to write. there are only so many ways to whine about love and life without fresh inspiration.

oh, and you know how i planned to get my studying done at camp? well, it didn't happen. goodbye stellar grades (did i ever know thee?), hello f's. and i like these lyrics:

Different Names For The Same Thing

Alone on a train aimless in wonder
An outdated map crumbled in my pocket
But I didn't care where I was going
'Cause they're all different names for the same place.

The coast disappeared when the sea drowned the sun
And I have no words to share it with anyone
The boundaries of language I quietly cursed
And all the different names for the same thing.

There are different names for the same things
There are different names for the same things...

oh, and i thought of something else. maybe i should try harder to assimilate myself into normal society. my sister asked if i'm going for this young adults cg thing. i thought it's for the old people ie her, but apparently someone else my age is going. maybe i should. spiritual food and all that jazz. i really admire how they are so open with each other, because i can't imagine telling them my life story (even though we more or less grew up together), much less what i really think and feel. maybe i should try opening myself up. to what, attack? who knows. maybe i shouldn't. self-preservation, my dear. i don't know. maybe i don't care. tired of caring.. emotions are futile, too easily roused and extinguished. i don't need new friends, don't want them. i don't need the emotional baggage. what i have is good enough, more than enough.
4:33 PM ; 0 comments