Sunday, June 18, 2006
there goes the third week

sermon was pretty good today. i guess i never really thought about pride as the ultimate obstacle. unfortunately, it's a huge sin of mine. i'll have to work on that. (damn. i just can't imagine - being open - putting myself out there - apologising when it matters - i think i need my shell back) but i shall try.

and i realise i have a soft spot for kids who can't really talk. i mean they look all cute and adorable (especially those solemn-looking ones.. they get me all 'awww') and they always look so happy playing with each other, laughing and running around and all that jazz, but when you get close enough to hear them interact with each other, sometimes they turn out to be horrible little demons. little kids (especially girls) can be so mean to each other. and they act like such innocent angels in front of adults! the little boys are simpler (which is why the girls bully them, oh dear i know now what an awful kid i was.. vague memories of being evil to the boys) and cuter in that 'awww' kinda way. until they are old enough to irritate me anyway. one of my sunday school kids is really cute (the solemn, big beautiful eyes sort) and his younger brother is also really really cute (big favourite with us older girls, huge eyes, solemn expression). i overheard the little one (he's about three or four) complaining grumpily to his mother the other day in his high-pitched voice as he stomped along, 'kor kor pushed me!' as his older brother walked behind, looking like a perfect angel as usual. it's really funny how the two of them interact. sometimes the older one leads him around by the hand, doing the whole big-protective-brother thing, and other times he just stands there in the middle of the room and hollers for his older sister. really really cute. and today he squeezed his way through a crowd of people as his mother hung on desperately to the collar of his shirt, but he managed to tug his way through. we who were behind them were laughing at his antics. which reminds me.. i'll be teaching again starting july. this means i'll be a lot busier.. i just pray that i'll do my duty to God by the children.

andd as usual, work remains undone. i need a lot more discipline. i can't even get out of bed these days. been vegetating too long. the bed is just so comfortable, and dreams are so beautiful. this whole life is starting to feel like a dream i'm just drifting through. i just want to be invisible. just sit there and watch the world go by, observing other people and psychoanalyzing them. it's so much safer than putting your heart on the line.

but i'm finally coming to terms with everyone leaving. yup. that was one of the things brought up at the camp. how i want to want to give God everything. i don't want to give God everything - yet. the desire just isn't there right now, i'm still holding back some things - my friendships, my pride, my bitterness and pain. but i wish i wanted to, because it all belongs to Him anyway. i can't devote my whole life to him if i refuse to admit that He alone owns all things, and even my friends are not my own. and the lesson that i should be learning from all this leaving and goodbyes isn't bitterness and turning into a prickly hermit, but well, learning that they were never meant to stay. in a non-bitter way.

how lucid. heh.
9:28 PM ; 0 comments