Sunday, July 30, 2006
tower out of steel and stone

my kids are so cute, i tell you. they're performing a few songs for teachers' day, so we have to prepare them for their item. and i'm not accompanying them on the piano, whew. i (sneakily, haha) pointed out to the supervisor that she has a daughter who plays the piano, so she's doing it, yay! the kids sing quite well so far.. the girls, anyway. for some reason the boys don't stand together, and a few of them think they're too cool to sing. there's one particular little boy, however, who throws his shoulders back, adopting a stance that i think he picked up from watching tenors sing on-stage, and belts out his part in a voice that certainly does not sound girly. interesting. must remember to ask him during the next practice exactly whom he's imtating. but the girls are fine.. they don't seem to care whether they sound horrible or not, and they don't, anyway, for most part. just terribly enthusiastic =D i realise i survived a month of teaching them after three months off. and i agreed to teach next year too, since i'll be staying in singapore. don't know which class i'll be assigned to - i usually take whatever they give me.

another year's passing by - we're getting old, aren't we? only eighteen. already eighteen. we'll never be eighteen again. half of it is gone. i remember wanting to hold on to sweet sixteen, wanting to savour it and make it last forever, because i knew i'd never get it back. and because i knew we'd never be that way again, together. funny i don't really care much about holding on to this year. sometimes i think i know what i'm doing. then some idealistic soul writes an article that i'm unfortunate enough to read in the weekly, and i wonder what the hell i'm doing with my life until reality kicks in and i climb back on the wheel. by the way, page is still shedding. it's kinda annoying, she's got fur everywhere. so. reality is going to kick in soon and i'll be off to do my econs hwk for tmr. and think about everything i have to do this week, including make presents (which i don't mind doing, i just don't like feeling obliged to fit something that should be beautiful and sentimental into my schedule), panic completely and grind down my teeth at night from anxiety regarding my inability to control my own damned life.

incidentally, i had a pretty weird dream last night. a vision, a prophecy, heaven's warning? who knows. probably just a dream. anyway, i dreamt i was relief-teaching english at this neighbourhood secondary school (that i doubt even exists because it had the lamest name ever - springs secondary school - sss hahahaha shit i hope it doesn't exist). and it was so badly run that there wasn't even a syllabus for the curriculum and i had to come up with one myself. but for some reason i was all inspired and motivated and determined to make a difference in these jaded, gangster-ish students' lives. which is quite a laugh because i am, in reality, uninspired, uninspiring, unmotivated and unmotivating. okay, that's not something i think potential parents want to know about an individual who aspires to be a teacher (because she does not dream big dreams, and never really thought of being anything else. she suspects she has been brainwashed by her mother from a young age). but yes, anyway. maybe this is my calling! hah! i feel so motivated now! okay the feeling faded. the neighbour's dog barked and brought me back to my jaded reality. now i'm honestly wondering if i'm meant to teach in a developing country under the dusty stars, or in a centre for disabled children, or in a mainstream school. or if i should just be a lawyer like my father wanted me to. nah, not the last one. i'm too lazy. maybe i'll force someone to marry me (with the help of self-indulgent, bad-emo poetry, black roses with the thorns still on their stems, and lots of cheap bubbly! haha) and then i'll be a housewife who spends her days brandishing her broom threateningly at the neighbourhood children. ooh the last picture seems to fit me the best. i'd probably do a lot of ultrasonic shouting as well. maybe i'd shout at him til he divorces me, and then i'd live off the proceeds til i die, lonely and bitter, a forgotten skeleton buried under a pile of dusty books, with my trusty rottweiler howling at the moon outside my door. wow. i am amazingly optimistic.

could not find the scores i wanted. might have known. c'est la vie.
9:21 PM ; 0 comments

Saturday, July 29, 2006
untitled. (whee so pseud)

i realise i stutter sometimes. even when i'm not nervous. just when i'm thinking about something else, and my mouth speeds-halts-speeds ahead of my brain. okay, i stutter a lot now that i think about it. how embarrassing. (actually i thought of it because i stutter when i talk to my co-teacher, and i was preparing for tomorrow's lesson, so.. yeah.)

another time, another place. now, where did i hear that from? probably a song.

regained my appetite, and all the weight i lost last week along with it. it's easier to be all floaty and dreamy (and to others, sleepy) when you're undernourished and living on bread and milk. but i guess i emo better when i eat enough to sustain all the emo-ing?

celebrated hy's birthday last night. was not a class thing (obviously) and since no one who didn't go is going to read this, i'm not going to be all politically correct about it. never am, anyway. tried sashimi. it's not that fantastic, but then i'm all plebian. we ate in very romantic semi-darkness. well as far as i know, only the birthday girl (be-early?) couldn't see what she was eating. ask her what chasoba dipped in tempura sause tastes like if you're wondering. discovered earlier in the afternoon that sara is very fun to tease (she fell for my 'secret' stunt twice, despite my face obviously giving my evil intentions away), and she tricked me back at max brenner's with her stupid pepo thing. gah. and i was being so careful, too. hy wanted me to pose as a transverstite to seduce the waiter into letting us in. okay so i have short hair (it's growing!), am flatter than everyone else (wish it were growing) and don't wear my school skirt short, but that doesn't qualify me as the most guy-looking. in fact i flatter myself that i am very feminine. oh well. maybe i give off gay vibes. geez. that would explain my love life. incidentally, two classmates informed me on the way there (and with extremely straight faces) that i'm unmarriable (there you go, mellie. i told you so). was horribly stunned since i never told them of my spinsterly ambitions but one of them also thought i was going to be a nun. except now she knows i'm not catholic. but i am unmarriable (because i scare them all away, apparently. is it my face or do they hear traces of my mother when i shout?), so stop writing toasts for my wedding dinner. ain't gonna happen, baby. but i will adopt, if you care to think of chinese names for all my four children.

listening to 'if i were gay' again. it cracks me up. surprisingly, not everyone thinks it's funny. okay, i do have some mildly-but-unoffensively homophobic friends. like jean, jan and gen. hell, most of my friends. which is good, i guess? for them. i wonder how they stand me. maybe i shouldn't wonder too much, it isn't good for my self-esteem. jan thought angel and collins would be sweeter if angel were a girl. i really like the actor who played angel though. i thought he was really funny. when his agent didn't tell him for a week that he'd gotten the part for rent, he said, 'you can't do this to me, man! i'm an actor - i'm sensitive!' very cute.

re-painted my toenails black and silver on thursday. haven't done any homework since then - been pretty much mooning around watching friends and eating nachos with my left hand.

when she leaves, it'll be the end of another phase of my life. i keep having these dreams of us. and we're always so happy in them. were we really that happy, or is my memory rose-tinted already? the twentydollar note still in my wallet, that you gave to me at the airport even though you were so stringent with your spending. you never even splurged on food. you, the food junkie. i meant to give it back, but i guess you're right. keeping it means i'll be back some day, right? it means i won't kill myself anytime soon, it means i'll see you again. it means we'll sit by the river and dip our toes into the water and play with the sand and take pictures of the sunset and have pillow fights until we roll over and you keep me up with your snoring. i whine and nitpick as if i can't stand you a lot, but it's just because i'm not so good with the terms of endearment. i'm not the sort to turn up at anyone's graduation with roses and a card. i'm the person who'd make you a notebook of quotes and hide it in your bag, because i don't know how to give it to you. because i'm (to be plebby about it) lame and retarded. but then you know it already, after six years and a gazillion fake fights. and a few real ones, maybe? i don't remember the fights. they're the memories that are easily replaced with happier sunset ones.
9:33 PM ; 3 comments

Thursday, July 27, 2006
ran out of happy songs

watched the lake house with my sister last night. it was rather enjoyable despite the obvious lack of logic. then again, it was based on a korean movie, so that's unsurprising. but hey, sandra bullock and keanu reeves? they could do nothing except engage in witty banter and i'd cough up eight bucks. keanu is dead handsome, by the way. except he shouldn't attempt to talk about his feelings. his face doesn't go with it, somehow. makes him look awkward and stiff. he should just be sarcastic and funny and angsty. a bit like roger =D

sometimes i don't know why i try so hard - why i do my homework, why i struggle to pay attention in class - then i remember my sister's face when i told her about my marks, and i know that it's more to make her proud than any other reason i could possibly think of. most people expect that it's my mother who pressures me to do my work and avoid failing my exams, but it's really my intellectually snobbish sister (despite her denials on that subject) whom i don't want to disappoint.

i did have a slight disagreement with my mother on the way to school, though. i haven't been sleeping well lately (well, worse than usual) and i wanted to ask the doctor for sleeping pills. but she insisted that i try massages first (yeah and then i'll be sleeping the whole day. i want to be able to control my sleeping pattern) and went on about how i'm too intense. now it's one thing for friends to tell me that i'm too intense. for my mother to say that.. well i should really stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. not that tired today. i guess i'm finally adjusting to the medicine. i lost a bit of weight, losing my appetite because of the new medicine. the person who eats ben and jerry's by the pint didn't eat much except bread and cereal for a week. unfortunately, i lost it all at the wrong places, and i'm now whining to everyone that i've become flatter. i swear i have. i didn't realise it til i went swimming the other day and my bikini top was too loose. at first i thought my maid had stretched it, until i got home and realised everything else was too loose too. am annoyed. all this despite my drinking milk all day! hmph. shall start eating solid food again.

and mel, i'm so sorry i only got your message a day later. =( i really feel awful about it, i wish i could have helped you.. especially when you said you thought of me first. =( i should really switch back to my old number permanently. ugh.

might as well start preparing for sunday's lesson tonight. i foresee a busy weekend.
7:52 PM ; 0 comments

Monday, July 24, 2006
oh happy day! =)

today was a fantastic day! *beams widely*

for starters, i lasted the entire day. without dozing off in any class, too. right up til i met with ally and dripped icecream all over the road. well there was a panicky hour in econs when i honestly thought i was going to throw up again, a la friday, but i managed to keep breathing and the nausea eventually passed. even managed a huge (and really greasy) lunch at renaldo's with hy. pain more or less suppressed thanks to my much-loved painkillers (although i'm starting up an ache around my eyes again, must take another), cheery songs on itunes, and books waiting to be read. fabulous day, really.

but mostly because i got to see ally. who got some pretty hard looks from the hc people walking by, but no matter, i think she's used to it. we walked to the cellar door to get fig and honey icecream, despite her funny leg (sorry dear) and i, as usual, dripped all over the road coming back. the hot and humid weather didn't really help matters, and i got icecream all over my fingers too. after some tricky juggling with our cones and her books (that involved my accidentally dripping a drop of icecream on her teacher's book :P and equally accidentally flashing the people on the road), we managed to fish tissue out of my bag. then i had a brainwave (this usually only happens after i do something incredibly stupid), poured water from my bottle over my hands onto the dead leaves lining the path, and crowed, 'i'm a genius!' ally snorted and continued taking dainty and un-drippy bites from her cone. un-drippy, that is, until the very last bite, whereupon the melted icecream oozed out and dripped all over her (white) shirt. no prizes for guessing her expression when i burst out laughing and pointed at the drips. ah, ally, my twinnie, what would i do without you? (eat less icecream, maybe.) but icecream and meeting my friends makes me happy, and i'm satisfied.

incidentally, the library is overcrowded these days. went up to do the math hwk that's due tmr while waiting for her to finish school, which proved to be a giant mistake. firstly, i couldn't find a place to sit at first. then when i did, some chinese-speaking people sat down next to me and started speaking really loudly in chinese. fortunately i was doing math and nothing too language-centred even though i think in english and the chinese words were interfering with my thought-process. i think i prefered it when the library was quiet and cold. but i guess we annoy people as much when we do homework in threes and whisper and giggle. remind me not to whisper and giggle. even though i can't seem to stop talking. oh dear.

i'm determined to hunt down the scores of 'santa monica' and '2 beds and a coffee machine'. i imagine the right hand for 2 beds would be very pretty, with lots of trills and flourishes.

read over yesterday's post and realised i swore in it. oh well i'm not so mad today (maybe because i'm thankfully drugged out?) and i'm over being pissy about it. class phototaking on wed and i'm not happy about that. i hate taking photos. period. i could elaborate about how i'm anything but photogenic, how i dislike smiling, how i always come out looking like something a blind cat wouldn't adopt, but that would take a long time and spoil my mood.
6:18 PM ; 5 comments

Sunday, July 23, 2006
random rants

took offense with an article in the economist. some woman called dr flor is of the opinion that 'pain is a form of unpleasant memory', and her team has 'used cognitive behavioural therapy to train patients with fibromyalgia not to react to pain but to focus on enjoyable activities'. and the writer of this article, clearly a very sensitive and well-informed soul, states grandly that 'after all, pain is all in the mind. indeed, pain itself is an illusion, a phantom in the brain.' to which, my phantom-haunted brain immediately replied with a 'screw you, what do you know'. upon regaining cognitive abilities, despite my oh-so handicapped state, however, i decided that the unfortunate author must not have had the chance to feel pain in recent months! perhaps the therapy has worked so well on him already that, having no memory of pain whatsoever, he has confused those mildly uncomfortable nerve-transmitted signals with some other as-yet-unidentified condition. i can come up with a few suggestions off the top of my head - perhaps 'tremors and aching caused by one's brain leaking out of one's head', or maybe a more politically correct 'unavoidable imbecility caused by an inability to constructively empathize, much less sympathize with unfortunate sufferers of a now-defunct body-warning signal previously known as pain'. perhaps he would find it easier to empathize with chronic pain sufferers if he could experience what they do. i personally recommend hiring a 60 kg woman to dance up and down his entire body in stilettos for an hour every day for two months. while not being all-encompassing, it may be hoped that he will find it easier to reconcile himself to the idea that pain, after all, may be less restricted to his pompous brain than say, his completely unjustified assumptions that deliberately gloss over what he is apparently incapable of understanding.

on a lighter note, i have discovered the joys of eating raw carrots. must say i'm addicted to them now. but only when they're fresh from the fridge. goal of the week - to last the school day. every day. adjusting better to the new medication, hopefully things sort themselves out soon. it's hy's birthday next sunday. but what do you get a girl who already has everything she needs, and can buy anything she wants?
8:46 PM ; 0 comments

Friday, July 21, 2006
there's hope in the darkness

just got back from yacg. i don't regret going, or giving it a shot. i guess it's about time i stopped being such a hermit in church. although i almost couldn't crawl out of bed in time. my sister tried to wake me up, and my mind was screaming for me to just move a muscle, just twitch, just roll out, but i couldn't drag myself upright. well, until i reminded myself that fatigue is no excuse, particularly when it'll always be there. during the prayer request time, my sister brought up my fibromyalgia. she asked if it was okay if she shared it, and i have no idea why i agreed to it, when most of my friends never knew, even she herself didn't know until this morning. she, because i forgot to tell her when i was first diagnosed (i assumed my parents would, and anyway i didn't know how to put it into words), and my friends, because i hate feeling like i'm in the middle of the storm in a teacup. but this time i let her share. and thankfully no one made a big deal, no overly-concerned questions, and i hope they won't bring it up everytime they see me, because i'm more than just a person with a disorder. i'm still me, and i need people to be able to treat me the way they always did. i mean they never suspected for years, so it shouldn't make a difference now. we'll see how it goes. but i'm pretty optimistic about where this is headed. spiritual growth, more discipline when it comes to studying the bible.. and maybe sunday will be more than just hurrying in and hurrying out.

been trying to keep track of things in my little journal, but too many things keep happening. i'll probably be trying out different permutations of my medication, since today's try didn't work out too well. but hey, i'm a neat puker. and i didn't even need anyone to run into the toilet after me and hold back my hair or rub my back. quite pleased that i'm learning self-sufficiency. we'll see if i still react to the new medication tomorrow. hopefully not, throwing up left me extremely drained all day (which contributed to my constant napping and snapping at people), and now i get abdominal pains whenever i eat.

gonna prepare sunday's lesson, then off to bed.. may tomorrow be a better day. 'tomorrow' can be so filled with hope. maybe i'm learning to hope again. maybe, just maybe. (but the higher you fly, the harder you fall)
11:05 PM ; 0 comments

Thursday, July 20, 2006
pick up all the broken glass

sorry, i changed my mind about letting you know.

it just makes me feel too vulnerable.

i want to be remembered as strong, because i am nothing otherwise.
7:38 PM ; 0 comments

Tuesday, July 18, 2006
or you could just stay in the ditch

i don't want to go to school anymore. i know, everyone feels like this every once in a while, but i honestly don't. except i know i have to - i fall so far behind every time i miss lessons, and i can't afford to. i don't know what i'm doing anymore. did it always feel like this? like the only things that make sense are books and music. nothing to say to anyone anymore. sure i'll talk to you, but that doesn't mean i actually have anything to say. i'm tired. they say you begin to die when you are born. what if time were to stand still? only tired or love-sick people ever want time to stand still. everyone else wants it to race along to the end of its course. is this how it's gonna be? drugged and numbed every morning before i'm even awake enough to get my bearings. there's always a tradeoff between mindnumbing pain and mindnumbing tiredness. and i have to choose soon. if you tell me this is all life's gonna be, i choose the easy way out.

the tide will turn, won't it? some days i think of you, in a purely theorectical, un-emotionally-invested, what-if sort of way. and i realise i would still have done everything i did, because in the end my pride wins, every time.
8:32 PM ; 0 comments

Monday, July 17, 2006
another stop sign

sometimes i wonder what the hell i'm really doing, what the hell i'm really playing at.

so what if you could see what i (sometimes) wish you would? i change my mind a lot. all you'd see is a lot of fog and a little silver lining.

the only constant is change.

i need something tangible to cling on to. clutchable. something i can sink my frightened fingers into, something i can bruise and scar and call my own.

and basically frighten the shit out of everyone else.

how do you keep moving if you keep tripping? you spend more time picking yourself up than actually moving forward.. or back.

so i've made up my mind. no dreams. it's not my lot to dream.
10:00 PM ; 0 comments


another ditch in the road

feeling really queasy right now. i think i overdid the painkiller thing. but there's nothing else to do about it. i wonder what induced it this time.

every time i go to borders i see books i'd love to buy or just read, but i can't afford to buy books on a whim. and they're never available at the public libraries. wonder what it's like to be able to buy every single book i want to - white oleander, bel canto, midnight's children, all the others that i pick up and have to put down again. but i don't want to be rich. i'm scared of being rich. of having so much that the little things stop mattering, of having too much to see what i really do have. i hope it hasn't come to that already.

i've been thinking.. if i even dare to dream. even putting a dream into words is taboo. i can't afford to be disappointed. and while i still have something to lose - my pride - i'm not sure i can even dream. it isn't the actual step that scares me.. it's the dreaming about it that does.

i imagine this song would have a fantastic piano score. shall hunt for it soon. 2 beds and a coffee machine, by savage garden.

And she takes another step
Slowly she opens the door
Check that he is sleeping
Pick up all the broken glass
And furniture on the floor
Been up half the night screaming
Now it's time to get away
Pack up the kids in the car
Another bruise to try and hide
Another alibi to write

Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Wonder how I ever made it through

And there are children to think of
Baby's asleep in the back seat
Wonder how they'll ever make it
Through this living nightmare
But the mind is an amazing thing
Full of candy dreams and new toys
And another cheap hotel
Two beds and a coffee machine
But there are groceries to buy
And she knows she'll have to go home

Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Wonder how I ever made it through

Another bruise to try and hide
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Silent fortress built to last
Wonder how I ever made it

... and forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors...
8:26 PM ; 4 comments

Sunday, July 16, 2006
another long-winded sunday

nanz couldn't go out, so here i am. incidentally i haven't done tomorrow's math hwk, but that's for later i guess.

oh and i'll be going for my church's young adults cg/bible study thing. i hope i'm not making a mistake? but somewhere deep inside i know they're right - it's important to have people who share your beliefs to count on. is this where i stop being anti-social? in secondary school everything seemed fine - christian environment, practically all my friends were christian, etc etc. denominations were just another way of categorising sheep. but i've begun to see how denominations shape the way you think, the way you treat the bible and worship and pray, the way you approach life. and i find i'm no longer that open to charismatic practices.. maybe eighteen years of being in my church has finally clouded my judgement, but sometimes i feel so lost, not knowing whom i can turn to. except maybe my sister, since she was brought up the exact same way i was. friends are still there, but it's the nuances that make a difference now. maybe this is what they meant. maybe i should quit being such a snob and just talk to my own church mates for once. even if i come off as a little crazy in senior sunday school.

so, yeah. and i tried to teach fourteen seven-year-olds the meaning of justification today. don't ever try that unless you're dealing with geniuses. i explained it in three different ways, including using the analogy of mud (sin) and water (cleansing), but that came back and bit me in the arse when some little girl took it literally. i really need to find out what they do and don't know. justification seemed a simple enough concept to me - i printed 'justification' in big block letters and 'just as if i had never sinned' on the other side, but it took me fifteen minutes to get my point across, and i'm still terrified that they didn't understand me. fourteen kids getting restless while you're explaining something isn't very encouraging. but they liked the song i taught. even though two little boys didn't want to do the chewy chewy chewy oomp ah ah actions. aren't they a bit young to worry about looking cool? the junior sunday school supervisor asked me to play the piano for teachers' day to accompany the kids' singing. i tried to back out of it, and she agreed that teachers shouldn't have to perform on teachers' day, but she seemed keen on it. oh dear. i can't play in front of people. what can i say? i'll just have to see where God leads.

one of my classmates' nick reminds me of what i never thought i'd want or need, and exactly what i don't have. an s paper to qualify for a scholarship. the thing is, i never thought i'd want one. i thought my sister was ambitious and crazy and flighty for wanting to get one (at first, anyway) to run off overseas. i figured i wasn't scholarship material, as evidenced by my grades and general attitude towards them, so i pretty much screwed last year up. but even though i'm still not scholarship material, listening to other people talk about applying for scholarships, and which overseas unis they'd like to attend is kinda depressing. and my sister's stuck here. i don't remember her applying for any scholarships except psc, but they tried to fob the teaching one off on her, and she kept trying to convince them that she didn't want to screw kiddies' lives up for few years, paying off the bond. and i'll be stuck here too. i thought i'd be resigned to my fate - and i am, kinda - but i've hated nus since cap last year. one day i'll be out of here, i'll see stars in the night sky and feel the grass beneath my feet. bryna said i'm a treehugger. woohoo. should learn how to play some reed-ish instrument, it'll be so blake-pastoral-image-ish.

but of course there's a reason for her staying here, and there'll be one for me too. maybe she'll finally settle down and get attached. haha. as if anyone would dare to ask her out, she'll probably chew his ear off and spit it in his face. or maybe that's me, hmm. maybe she'll find her one great Calling. but then i thought she already did - overseas. i don't know what's going to happen to me, but it had better be something that justifies nus' ugliness and general atmosphere. in the meantime i'm just going to block my ears when people start talking about scholarships and going overseas just because they can afford to.. !! money money money - it divides us clearly, a divide i'd rather not see. i'd want my kids to grow up on a farm far away from here, with birds singing (and shitting) outside the open windows and horses to ride. and they wouldn't know any brand names, wouldn't care, and i'd teach the village school. how's that? =D it's easier to be close to God among his creations. and by that i don't necessarily mean people. i'd really hate myself if i sold out, stayed here and taught bratty singaporean kids in mainstream schools. stars in the sky, grass beneath my feet, and cockroaches as big as my fist. i could handle that. i could, i could, if only i got to see stars in the sky every night of my life.
9:19 PM ; 0 comments

Saturday, July 15, 2006
of resolutions and not keeping them

for all my resolutions not to do things last minute, i'm still rushing late on a saturday night. forgot to get fat markers to write lyrics on mahjong paper, so i settled for a blue highlighter. forgot to zap some activity sheets so i'll have to drop by the office in the morning. what else did i forget? *panics briefly* ah well got to do math hwk now since i'm going with nanz for mellie's church's gospel rally tomorrow night. so much to do, so little time, Lord help me prioritise.

and if you wonder if i don't care, if maybe i forgot, well - i might have forgotten, i'm only human. but i do care. i just don't know how to go about it properly. maybe we should start again. start over, start better. i'd call, but i'm not sure if it's convenient. see, i don't remember that ever stopping me before. maybe it's time we did something about this huge, horrible, wall of ice that sprang up between us. because i still want to live with you someday. sorry i forgot. i don't know what's wrong with me. no wait i do. i didn't try hard enough to remember. maybe i'll call tomorrow night.

at the end of the day, i have to know what matters. what's it gonna be? which duty's call do i answer first?
11:02 PM ; 0 comments

Friday, July 14, 2006
you wouldn't know the difference, would you?

discovered that actually quite a lot of people want to be teachers. it ought to be a comforting thought (and it is, in a way, since my classmates who want to be teachers are relatively normal and nice), but it makes me wonder if it'll just be another thing i'll try and end up failing at. i was never a smart kid, except in my compositions. everything else was pretty much crap. particularly chinese. i remember teachers who were shocked to hear i was a teacher's daughter, that my sister was a gepper, that she was actually smart. also partly because i had a huge attitude problem. but now that i think about it, it probably stemmed from the fact that i didn't like not being smart and wanted to prove that i was my own person. i still detest the chinese teacher back in p3 who pulled me by the ear across the classroom and threw books at my face. who called me dumb. just because i didn't speak chinese and didn't look chinese. i was dark. that prejudiced, racist bigot. she's probably dead by now. and i'm older and it's all just a memory. it's tough being a kid. it's tougher being a dumbass kid who looks adults straight in the eye unflinchingly. never let your children do that. it gets them into a lot of trouble in school.

i could be a caped crusader, a space invader, and you wouldn't know the difference, would you?

my hair doesn't seem to be growing. the novelty of short hair has since worn off and now i just want it off my neck. al keeps pestering me to cut it again, but i've decided to grow it back. my friends are divided between those who prefer my short hair (namely those who like short hair or are particularly spunky themselves) and those who mourn the loss of my tresses (namely those who rather idealistically view me as someone who should wear jewels in her hair and a rose between her teeth). frankly i don't think i'm spunky.
8:22 PM ; 3 comments

Thursday, July 13, 2006
silver and red

it's easy to be someone else when you spend all day at home. reading about ruined, bitter and miserable people, crying and not knowing whether the tears fall for them or yourself, eating peanut butter slowly out of a jar. speaking less than ten sentences in eight hours. staring at the bruise that never healed. never having to face a mirror. or smile. because no one's watching and you're alone, and there's the spicy floral scent of a gift in the air.

all the wrong places, so many faces and too few traces.

and tomorrow, i'll be me again. sitting in class trying to understand what i didn't learn today. arguing about fictional characters and what to buy at borders after school. missing friends like amputated limbs. laughing, because laughter comes easily.

the way you would pare an apple.
8:36 PM ; 0 comments

Wednesday, July 12, 2006
wednesdays

she left last night. for the longest time ever i didn't know what to do with myself. well i'm not exactly the master of self-expression or coherence(as my pc teacher fervently agrees), and it took me one hour to write a page-long letter to her during my break in school. mainly because i'm not a very fast writer and i needed it to be legible.

there are a lot of things that i'll never say to anyone's face, because i've spent so much of my life trying to be tough that face-to-face sentiment embarrasses my fragile mental state. maybe that's why i say a lot more in letters. i just can't look anyone in the eye and say that i love them, in a i'm-serious way. on the phone, laughing and kidding around, blowing a kiss, yeah sure. but not when it really matters. so don't expect it of me (or any other emotionally-invested demonstrations), because i haven't said that even to my own family since i was old enough to know what it means. although that doesn't mean that my friends and family don't matter to me. they do. too much.

when i got home, and i was hunting for an eraser, i saw her half-written letter on my table, with the pen still lying across it, uncapped. and then it hit me like a bag of cement that she'd gone again, like one of those whirlwinds that sweep you up into their frantic dances and then leave you among the debris. although she's a lot less destructive. okay, slightly. (i'm kidding, chris) and i realised that i spend so much time listening to the noisy rush of thoughts in my head that i barely notice when the silence threatens to smother those around me. when that happens, you need to smack me on the head, hard.

and she likes mark ;) yeah she'd go for the geek huh. i'll look for bel canto. and now i don't know what to do with the rest of my life. or year. there's nothing else to look forward to. the end of a's? but i'd have to study. and then what, in between the studying? with chris gone and jean going. if you don't dream, you can't hurt, but you don't live either.
8:22 PM ; 0 comments

Sunday, July 09, 2006


i forgot to mention something. last week while i was panicking just before getting back my math, i msged my sister to whine that i was about to fulfil her prophecy, and she very calmly assured me that we still had ice cream in the fridge. and when i did get my results back, i msged her in shock and told her that it was probably a mistake. it appears impossible to ruffle my sister's feathers, because all she said was, 'i don't think math teachers have counting problems..' yeah. i think i'm the excitable one in the family.
9:00 PM ; 1 comments


there are no words

chris is back. i guess everyone knows that by now. sheeni called my handphone last night shrieking and asking for her. she's out right now with her church friends, so don't call. to date, we've done all our usual stuff. eating and drinking jasmine tea and falling asleep sprawled on each other. she wants to go to school with me tomorrow. the law-abiding side of me is terrified that some nasty teacher will catch her and get me into trouble. the rebellious side screams that we're only gonna be young once, and anyway she'll be going for jan's lectures, not mine. and jan, for some vague reason, is unafraid of getting caught. it's quite odd that i am, seeing how i walk out of school early every thursday.

actually i had this odd dream last night. i've been thinking about it all day. and i've been trying to capture it with words, but when i woke up the exact sense of it all left me. i hate it when that happens. but the gist of it is, i dreamt that i drowned myself. then i jolted awake and spent the next few weeks longing for death. i drew long deep cuts around my arms, round and round. there was this desperate need to be free, to die, to leave, and i kept trying to kill myself but people kept stopping me and i was filled with this utter, utter despair. and then i woke up.

i can't stop thinking, it's driving me crazy, it's not as if i want to think. i need to knock myself out and fall asleep for once without my stupid brain whirling and worrying and wondering. i'm the sort of person who dies young. and i can't write. i can't find the words. i've forgotten all the feelings i only feel in dreams. everything else is just another parody. i can't feel anything. none of the peace in death, none of the despair in waiting for it. nothing but a numbness that screams in my bones.

i didn't tell chris about my dream because i got up late. it'd just worry her anyway. she's the one who has to sleep in the same room as me. and i sleepwalk.
6:54 PM ; 0 comments

Wednesday, July 05, 2006
school. bah, humbug.

we got back our paper five essays today. i wasn't sure how badly i'd done until i got home and rifled through my file, looking at all my previous marks. okay, marginal improvement. yay? my unkind sister, in an attempt to make one of her students feel better about his results, told him that his are okay, and that i get f's all the time. when i heard that, i almost threw the newspaper at her head. i have never gotten an f before! hmph! okay when i get back my math tmr, this statement will be rendered incorrect, but it still won't be 'all the time'. =( still sulking. maybe she thinks his self-esteem is more fragile than mine. *cheers up a little* but still! there went my reputation. to which she said, very correctly, 'what reputation?'. well, i might have had one.

did one question of gp during pe. i know i resolved to do pe all year, but i also promised to love someone forever (which became too self-destructive to do), so my vows don't count for much. must attempt to finish gp by tonight so i can look angelic tomorrow =D since i can't be the smart one, i might as well be the good one. my math teacher told my mother that i'm hardworking. evidently she hadn't marked my paper yet. my sister just snorts at such comments since she believes me to be lacking in both cognitive abilities as well as self-discipline or motivation. (apparently someone asked her if i'm 'mug' (some sort of cheena/ungrammatical slang for mugger i guess) and she was all, 'erh no, she sleeps all the time', and went to check on me. sure enough, i was blissfully asleep. in my defense, i didn't have a paper the next day. heh) nap today was goooood =D must stop eating food with nitrates in them. i get this ringing migraine all over my head.

rachel (a classmate), gave me a horrified look and went about screeching that i'm weird when i told her about roger. i wonder how she figured that he was a junkie. was. haaaa. self-destructive, self-destructive.
8:03 PM ; 5 comments

Tuesday, July 04, 2006


so. back to school tomorrow. *massive mourning ensues*

watched the road to guantanamo. felt distinctly sick in the theatre hall. but we agreed that they made the americans look extremely stupid. ('no, you were captured on video'.. and then the camera zooms in on a blurry spot on the screen that is supposed to represent him. nice.) i didn't expect them to downplay the torture by the americans, choosing instead to focus on their talking back to them. i guess it made them look more gung-ho? (gung-ho, by the way, is an english word. i know because my parents argued about it when they married, and checked it up in the dictionary, and we only hear about this because my mother was correct. ah, women.) so yeah i'm rather relieved that it wasn't quite as gruesome and violent as it might have been, but i guess i'd have preferred it to be more honest? maybe. poetic license anyhow.

have econs hwk to do for tmr. =( still haven't done gp. ah haha. like i really expected myself to. i have watched 3 movies and attended 2 concerts since my exams ended. not to mention re-watching rent and a lot of friends. barely saw anyone except my sister (whom i went out with a lot), jean and nanz. i kinda like things this way. if you include the smss bunch and the plc 03/04, things would be just perfect. everyone i love and nobody i'm indifferent to. but hey, back to school. =(

and my mother made me clean up my room so that chris will be able to fit her stuff in. i've told her that chris used to come over so often that she'll get a shock if she sees my neat(er) room, but to no avail. so yeah, i can now see the floor. friday's a halfday! hooray! we can go out before picking her up. she wants to go clubbing. hopefully, she's kidding. or i could just carry a penknife around in my heel and get kicked out for weapon possesion.

will start homework in a couple of hours. my sister plans to watch some soccer match or other later. i'll be waking up as she's going to sleep haha. crazy woman. i hate soccer (sorry siti and mellie, but it's the truth) and all i know is that there are some hot players running around and yelling. yup.

oh and i've finally solved the draco/remus question. for now. it's remus. because draco's cold and sarcastic and untouchable and a bit evil, which is kinda hot in its own way, but remus is kind and gentle and sweet and mild and sensitive and noble and giving and all warmbrowngrey vs draco's coldsilvergrey.. and he's all broken and vulnerable (which could be irritating in real life, but this isn't real life so who cares) and self-deprecating and being with him would be bittersweet. being with draco, on the other hand, would be like trying to swim across the icy atlantic, which is painful in an entirely different way. so that's my verdict, for now. you've just gotta deal with that, bev! =D
9:18 PM ; 1 comments

Monday, July 03, 2006
music and passion were always the fashion

hadn't meant to blog, but i just read some touching bits on siti's blog about peterpan, and now i know i won't be able to sleep for sure. it's heartwrenching! why?? why??

Hook: She was leaving you, Pan. Your Wendy was leaving you. Why should she stay? What have you to offer? You are incomplete. She'd rather grow up than stay with you. Let us now take a peep into the future. What's this I see? 'Tis the fair Wendy. She's in her nursery. The window's shut.
Peter: I'll open it!
Hook: I'm afraid the window's barred.
Peter: I'll call out her name!
Hook: She can't hear you.
Peter: No!
Hook: She can't see you.
Peter: Wendy!
Hook: She's forgotten all about you.
Peter: Stop! Please! Stop it!
Hook: And what is this I see? There is another in your place. He's called.. husband.

does anyone else hear the sound of his stunted heart smashing on the ground? cruel, cruel hook. why didn't she stay?? she loved him, even if he didn't know how to love her back. or didn't realise if he already did. or he could have gone with her and grown up.. 'to live would be an awfully big adventure'. he loved her. somehow, on some level. even as a kid i was convinced that he loved her (mainly because all the other fairytales had some sort of romance going on, but oh well). funny, it's like i've got a love-o-meter stuck in my head, and whenever i see/hear something with the slightest hint of some deeper intention, it starts singing in my head, and then i want to die. or maybe cry. and the worst part is, it only sings five different words - 'he/she' 'loves' 'her/him'. with exclamation marks and varying italics as it puts itself on loop in my head.

oh, and my cousin's wedding was okay. some kids kept blowing soap bubbles in my face. was quite miffed at them. especially since we weren't related. and my cousin (the bridegroom) wore this really huge afro wig during the wedding dinner and scared the shit out of our other cousin's baby. she turned around, took one look at him and burst out crying. her mother spent the rest of the night trying to keep her from seeing him. and we had really loud music blasted at us for four hours. at the end of it, my mother was threatening not to attend my wedding if i chose to blast noise at mine. decided not to tell her about my decision to remain unmarried, in order to avoid an uproar. the live band played the ketchup song. and chilli chacha! haha! i think about mass dance/drill everytime i hear that song. and the chacha's been drilled so firmly into me that i can still dance it.

sermon got me thinking today about how eighteen isn't that young afterall, and if i wait any longer or keep giving excuses like i need to wrap up my studies first, i'll never get around to serving God the way He wants me to. which means that instead of leaving the preparation for sunday school to saturday night and giving myself a heart failure every week, i should start preparations on sunday night and continue to work on it throughout the week. tough, considering i'll eventually be tempted to prolong my napping instead. not sure if i should defer my uni studies. if i even get into uni. we'll see how it goes. but i'm not going to let fear get in my way. if God gets you to it, He'll get you through it. always found that rather comforting. except the getting through bit tends to sting a lot.

ooh and valery kuleshov concert was good. very good. did i mention he's fantastic? yeah. his fingers move so fast! but personally i preferred when he played softly, because my ears were a bit damanged from the wedding dinner. and he was so obliging. he played five encores. i have never attended a concert where the pianist played five encores. maybe because i'm poor (my sister's favourite word when it comes to describing her immediate family is 'destitute', actually). and the third one was the sugar plum fairy! i love the sugar plum fairy! =D

gonna watch road to guantanamo with my sister (and her friend.. :S) tomorrow. they'd better be showing it at a convenient time. seem to be spending a lot of time out.. and money. this is not good. must get around to doing gp holiday homework before going back to school on wed. foodfoodfood.

just thought of something from rent. maureen pulls mark into a deep and passionate kiss while thanking him profusely. joanne's face turns red and she pulls them apart roughly, saying, 'let the boy buy us dinner'. aww poor mark, after all he's done, he's still just a 'boy'. but he got to kiss her! can't see why she ever liked him though. maybe it's a badgirlgoodboy thing? or maybe it's the hidden sordid side hinted at in la vie boheme. hmm.
12:20 AM ; 4 comments

Saturday, July 01, 2006
weddings and funerals

all right so maybe i only like weddings that i don't have to dress up for or travel to. leaving in about 2 hours for malaysia. gahhhh. have no idea what to wear. i guess i'm 'family' (actually i am family, but does extended family count as 'family'?) so i have to look presentable. *coughs* i'dbetter find out what the rest of my family is wearing. we have this tendency to accidentally coordinate our dressing. like yesterday i went out with my sister wearing the black version of her shirt. and i only noticed as we were leaving the house. fantastic.

and as it turns out, my mother was planning to wear purple too, then she decided on black. i'll do purple and black and the purple heels the pls gave me last month. there, be happy, i'm wearing them =D (they're gonna kill me..) no idea what my sister is wearing, but she doesn't really wear purple so i'm safe. when i was a kid, my favourite part of wedding ceremonies was the bit where the groom lifts up the bride's veil and kisses her. i never really paid attention to all the warnings before that in the sermon about how hard married life is. now it scares me enough for me to take my cap off to couples who actually dare to marry. people have such faith in each other - or maybe it's their faith in God. i could never trust anyone like that, which is why, my dear mellie, the deep sea fish is still swimming around at the bottom of the ocean with the lightbulb dangling between her evil glinty eyes, and her pointy teeth bared.

there has to be some mention of the irony regarding weddings and funerals. as a guest, you dress up for both in more or less the same way (if you have a fondness for black), and listen to sermons in a little chapel. the only difference is that at funerals, everyone clings to each other sobbing, while everyone rushes to congratulate the happy couple at weddings. but there's always this great, underlying belief that God is nigh and has a hand in everything. death is only sad for those who are left behind.

she sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind

don't fall in love.
12:13 PM ; 2 comments