Sunday, July 16, 2006
another long-winded sunday

nanz couldn't go out, so here i am. incidentally i haven't done tomorrow's math hwk, but that's for later i guess.

oh and i'll be going for my church's young adults cg/bible study thing. i hope i'm not making a mistake? but somewhere deep inside i know they're right - it's important to have people who share your beliefs to count on. is this where i stop being anti-social? in secondary school everything seemed fine - christian environment, practically all my friends were christian, etc etc. denominations were just another way of categorising sheep. but i've begun to see how denominations shape the way you think, the way you treat the bible and worship and pray, the way you approach life. and i find i'm no longer that open to charismatic practices.. maybe eighteen years of being in my church has finally clouded my judgement, but sometimes i feel so lost, not knowing whom i can turn to. except maybe my sister, since she was brought up the exact same way i was. friends are still there, but it's the nuances that make a difference now. maybe this is what they meant. maybe i should quit being such a snob and just talk to my own church mates for once. even if i come off as a little crazy in senior sunday school.

so, yeah. and i tried to teach fourteen seven-year-olds the meaning of justification today. don't ever try that unless you're dealing with geniuses. i explained it in three different ways, including using the analogy of mud (sin) and water (cleansing), but that came back and bit me in the arse when some little girl took it literally. i really need to find out what they do and don't know. justification seemed a simple enough concept to me - i printed 'justification' in big block letters and 'just as if i had never sinned' on the other side, but it took me fifteen minutes to get my point across, and i'm still terrified that they didn't understand me. fourteen kids getting restless while you're explaining something isn't very encouraging. but they liked the song i taught. even though two little boys didn't want to do the chewy chewy chewy oomp ah ah actions. aren't they a bit young to worry about looking cool? the junior sunday school supervisor asked me to play the piano for teachers' day to accompany the kids' singing. i tried to back out of it, and she agreed that teachers shouldn't have to perform on teachers' day, but she seemed keen on it. oh dear. i can't play in front of people. what can i say? i'll just have to see where God leads.

one of my classmates' nick reminds me of what i never thought i'd want or need, and exactly what i don't have. an s paper to qualify for a scholarship. the thing is, i never thought i'd want one. i thought my sister was ambitious and crazy and flighty for wanting to get one (at first, anyway) to run off overseas. i figured i wasn't scholarship material, as evidenced by my grades and general attitude towards them, so i pretty much screwed last year up. but even though i'm still not scholarship material, listening to other people talk about applying for scholarships, and which overseas unis they'd like to attend is kinda depressing. and my sister's stuck here. i don't remember her applying for any scholarships except psc, but they tried to fob the teaching one off on her, and she kept trying to convince them that she didn't want to screw kiddies' lives up for few years, paying off the bond. and i'll be stuck here too. i thought i'd be resigned to my fate - and i am, kinda - but i've hated nus since cap last year. one day i'll be out of here, i'll see stars in the night sky and feel the grass beneath my feet. bryna said i'm a treehugger. woohoo. should learn how to play some reed-ish instrument, it'll be so blake-pastoral-image-ish.

but of course there's a reason for her staying here, and there'll be one for me too. maybe she'll finally settle down and get attached. haha. as if anyone would dare to ask her out, she'll probably chew his ear off and spit it in his face. or maybe that's me, hmm. maybe she'll find her one great Calling. but then i thought she already did - overseas. i don't know what's going to happen to me, but it had better be something that justifies nus' ugliness and general atmosphere. in the meantime i'm just going to block my ears when people start talking about scholarships and going overseas just because they can afford to.. !! money money money - it divides us clearly, a divide i'd rather not see. i'd want my kids to grow up on a farm far away from here, with birds singing (and shitting) outside the open windows and horses to ride. and they wouldn't know any brand names, wouldn't care, and i'd teach the village school. how's that? =D it's easier to be close to God among his creations. and by that i don't necessarily mean people. i'd really hate myself if i sold out, stayed here and taught bratty singaporean kids in mainstream schools. stars in the sky, grass beneath my feet, and cockroaches as big as my fist. i could handle that. i could, i could, if only i got to see stars in the sky every night of my life.
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