Sunday, July 09, 2006
there are no words

chris is back. i guess everyone knows that by now. sheeni called my handphone last night shrieking and asking for her. she's out right now with her church friends, so don't call. to date, we've done all our usual stuff. eating and drinking jasmine tea and falling asleep sprawled on each other. she wants to go to school with me tomorrow. the law-abiding side of me is terrified that some nasty teacher will catch her and get me into trouble. the rebellious side screams that we're only gonna be young once, and anyway she'll be going for jan's lectures, not mine. and jan, for some vague reason, is unafraid of getting caught. it's quite odd that i am, seeing how i walk out of school early every thursday.

actually i had this odd dream last night. i've been thinking about it all day. and i've been trying to capture it with words, but when i woke up the exact sense of it all left me. i hate it when that happens. but the gist of it is, i dreamt that i drowned myself. then i jolted awake and spent the next few weeks longing for death. i drew long deep cuts around my arms, round and round. there was this desperate need to be free, to die, to leave, and i kept trying to kill myself but people kept stopping me and i was filled with this utter, utter despair. and then i woke up.

i can't stop thinking, it's driving me crazy, it's not as if i want to think. i need to knock myself out and fall asleep for once without my stupid brain whirling and worrying and wondering. i'm the sort of person who dies young. and i can't write. i can't find the words. i've forgotten all the feelings i only feel in dreams. everything else is just another parody. i can't feel anything. none of the peace in death, none of the despair in waiting for it. nothing but a numbness that screams in my bones.

i didn't tell chris about my dream because i got up late. it'd just worry her anyway. she's the one who has to sleep in the same room as me. and i sleepwalk.
6:54 PM ; 0 comments