Wednesday, July 12, 2006
wednesdays

she left last night. for the longest time ever i didn't know what to do with myself. well i'm not exactly the master of self-expression or coherence(as my pc teacher fervently agrees), and it took me one hour to write a page-long letter to her during my break in school. mainly because i'm not a very fast writer and i needed it to be legible.

there are a lot of things that i'll never say to anyone's face, because i've spent so much of my life trying to be tough that face-to-face sentiment embarrasses my fragile mental state. maybe that's why i say a lot more in letters. i just can't look anyone in the eye and say that i love them, in a i'm-serious way. on the phone, laughing and kidding around, blowing a kiss, yeah sure. but not when it really matters. so don't expect it of me (or any other emotionally-invested demonstrations), because i haven't said that even to my own family since i was old enough to know what it means. although that doesn't mean that my friends and family don't matter to me. they do. too much.

when i got home, and i was hunting for an eraser, i saw her half-written letter on my table, with the pen still lying across it, uncapped. and then it hit me like a bag of cement that she'd gone again, like one of those whirlwinds that sweep you up into their frantic dances and then leave you among the debris. although she's a lot less destructive. okay, slightly. (i'm kidding, chris) and i realised that i spend so much time listening to the noisy rush of thoughts in my head that i barely notice when the silence threatens to smother those around me. when that happens, you need to smack me on the head, hard.

and she likes mark ;) yeah she'd go for the geek huh. i'll look for bel canto. and now i don't know what to do with the rest of my life. or year. there's nothing else to look forward to. the end of a's? but i'd have to study. and then what, in between the studying? with chris gone and jean going. if you don't dream, you can't hurt, but you don't live either.
8:22 PM ; 0 comments