Wednesday, August 30, 2006
come back another day

lit was bad, bad, bad. i actually considered walking out because i didn't feel like writing. and i had no intros or conclusions or any real points or analysis, just words and words filling up the page. (and i'm quite sure my grammar was jumbled up somewhere within all those very convoluted and confused sentences) i think my teacher will vomit blood in solid pieces and have to be rushed to hospital when she gets to my script. when i passed her her teachers' day card just now, she said, 'i thought you wouldn't want to see my face after the paper,' and all i could say was, 'oh, but i wrote this before i actually did the paper'. in any case, if i had written anything more substantial, i'm quite sure the skin on my finger would have worn off entirely and i would have bled to death on my script. halfway through the paper i became convinced that the skin that rubs against the pen was becoming too red and loose and blistery, and i wondered if i could ask to get a plaster. in the end i decided against it and simply wrote a lot slower. gahhh. crashed and burned. and now i shall stop thinking about it.

oh, i almost did a janet. ie i almost fell asleep doing the gp compre. i wanted to whine about rich countries for the essay, but i've never been good at remembering which country did what exactly (hence the decision to drop history instead of continuing to make up facts during exams, and attribute filipino reforms to cambodia or something to that effect) so i whined about innovation instead. ah the irony. except i don't think of blogging as innovation. i see it quite simply as lazier extension of my journal-keeping self, only i keep names to a minimum and allow my friends to see the inner workings of my boring mind. i whined about sesame street instead. and for the compre aq, i raved on like the idealistic fool i am. (mrs lee told me i was idealistic and a perfectionist before she died.. because i went up to her to tell her what i didn't like about the school's policies, and ended up sitting in her office all day demonstrating how i could pull on a pair of pantyhose solely by its hem. apparently she had never seen anyone do that successfully before. but i still got into trouble regarding my socks despite my circus act.)

suddenly thought, if chris wants to be a rural doctor in malaysia (or she did some time ago), and i want to be a teacher in a developing country, we should move to some village in rural malaysia and battle the monstrous insects together. it'd be so idyllic. except to prove we're straight, we might have to marry appropriate people. like she could marry someone to be her nurse, and i could marry someone willing to teach the subjects i can't (like math and the sciences). i'm such a genius =D i hope she agrees. must remember to ask her when she replies my email. if i sell out and be a teacher in some secondary school somewhere in singapore, i'll just sit down and cry. i've thought it over, my departure wouldn't devastate anyone, thanks to co-curricular activities called boyfriends. i can't stay. i can't keep watching my friends leave. i've got to do the leaving.

i think i disappoint you. with my determination to find emotional independence. to stop relying on others, because no one is going to be there forever, and you can't ask that of them. (and God, God, where are you? are you in the friend i didn't make today, are you in the hi i didn't say? if i gave my life entirely to you, if i became a nun, would you show me your face then? would i dare to see it?) too much pride by far, she said. things haven't changed. they'll have to, soon. please, God, find me, find us. there is no future, there is no past. just here and now, and a hermit crab yelling over having to lose its shell.

i should tell you, i should tell you.
10:08 PM ; 8 comments