Wednesday, August 02, 2006
nothing is still something

just woke up. think i'll go back to sleep again. feels like i got run over by a fedex truck. i thought the hard part's supposed to be over? it's been at least 2 weeks since i started the new medication, it's supposed to be working already. my optimism regarding the rest of my life is fading very quickly. the only things i'm sure of now are death and taxes (haha). have a nagging feeling i have something to do..

it doesn't bode well for my future when i have zero interest in overseas unis and the only pages that i ever read carefully in career guides are those pertaining to teaching. it's like i've sealed my own fate. the government will always need to employ more teachers right? nobody wants to teach brats spoilt by the absence of the use of rods. not t0 mention the lousy pay and personal-life-sucking job. plus you can't just take leave when you want to go off somewhere. i don't understand why i even want to teach, why i feel compelled to think i should and will (unless it's because i'm too lazy to think of other, possibly better, options. or maybe i'm *gasp* altruistic after all!), and maybe i should start thinking in case i'm really destined to be something else, like say a clerk in some law firm. if they even need clerks anymore. wow i could work for my sister. okay, not a good idea, she'd be a slavedriver. darn. i have no dreams. then again i never did. it was my father who kept telling me to be a lawyer.

i wish my mother hadn't told me about my ct's comments on my block tests report. now i feel pressured by the reminder that other people besides my family and myself actually know my results and have opinions about them. scary thought. why can't everyone just disappear? (cue teenage angst) off the face of this world. leave nothing but greenery and a brisk little breeze. a river blue and tiny white shells. no wait. i should do the disappearing. they say suicide's a sin. so is lying, honey.

oh blessed, blessed, blessed sleep. been clocking nine or ten hours a night. maybe a bit less since it takes me hours to actually fall asleep, and then i doubt i actually sleep at all since i'm always aware whenever people come in and out of my room. mainly my sister, who really shouldn't be poking about my dresser at insanely early hours.
9:58 PM ; 0 comments