Saturday, August 19, 2006
of singing dogs and weeping nightingales

there's this line from the horse whisperer that i love - '... how forever was nothing but a trail of nows and the best each [wo]man could do was live each one fully in its turn.' the thought of forever scares me sometimes. how this is nothing but a blip on the screen.

jean's leaving in a few days. i know i've been moody and a bit taciturn (sorry), but i just keep thinking about how you don't know what you've got til you lose it, and you don't know what you're missing til you find it. (and how sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see, but that's not immediately relevant.) people die. beauty fades. love changes. you will always be alone. thank you for life's lessons, nightworld.

i'm scared i'll cry. i can't cry. i mustn't cry. i shall be strong and cheery, shall smile as i'm saying goodbye and shall not bawl on anyone's shoulder. i remember crying at the airport last january (and singing 'all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go..' to myself) and that is not how i want to be remembered. (which brings to mind another song, from casper. my life could be a very badly written, overtly emo musical) and hiyahhhh.

i need a dog. 1. it'll be desperately, endlessly loyal to me. 2. it'll protect me (from naysayers! haha maybe not) and i'll never have to look over my back again. 3. it'll be my one true companion. 4. it'll never pms on me or tell my secrets. 5. it'll think i'm the best thing since chew toys (and i could use the ego boost). 6. it'll attack on command (naturally, since it'll be my dog). 7. it won't ever, ever, leave me. which is, after all, the most important reason of all. i'm tired of humans. i've already given up on romance, and my friends are all too human. people let you down, you know? (i know. i let people down. a lot.) i don't want to be let down anymore. it'll just be my dog and me, and a guitar by the sea. (and bright stars in the night sky, the crash of waves, etc etc, see poem written four years ago.) i shall get a dog. it'll love me. it will, it will, because i'll love it first.

you're going. you're all going. (but what if i'm already gone? haha so emo.) tell me, do you recognise yourself when you look into the mirror?

dying's easy. it's living that's hard. but it's not-living that most people find themselves trapped into doing.

9:37 PM ; 6 comments

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