Saturday, September 30, 2006


mulan II is pretty awful, in that it has lousy animation reminiscent of cheapo animes, cringe-worthy singing and no scores to speak of. and i can't stand the way mulan and shang smile at each other. it's a little unnerving. i mean, mulan, my independent-woman-hero! it's very hard to maintain respect for a sappy lovesick fool. at least i can understand mushu, with all his selfishness and evil cunning. cricket is cute only because i have no idea what he's saying, but the three lumbering men are pretty endearing in their own weird ways. i should never have wished to find out how mulan and shang would continue their relationship. some attractions should never progress to anything serious. but i rather like the eldest (or maybe she's just the tallest) princess. hooray for pride and duty! hyak hyak.

i'm scared to accuse my life of being boring, lest i bring destruction upon myself in the form of overly exciting (really, just traumatic) experiences.
7:05 PM ; 9 comments

Thursday, September 28, 2006
angel or siren, what does it matter?

my internet's finally back up. for optimum (a level) results, it should probably crash again. and stay crashed til nov 24. then again, i would have to keep going to the com lab to reply my emails.

so, math. i think i'm the only one who's amused by my results. but heck it wasn't as if i worked hard this time, so i've finally fulfilled my sister's prophesy. just that now my math teacher wants to see me everyday. oh well. when you've hit rock bottom, there's no way out but up, right? econs was okayyy la. a bit disappointed that i failed the drq and case study for the first time, when i usually have to bank on them to pull my grade up. then again i knew that i wasn't focusing so it isn't all that surprising. gp wasn't too bad. aq was surprisingly good (yay, 7/8!) but my vocab was (unsurprisingly) bad. in addition to my usual horrendous spelling and complete inability to define things (as most people who ask me what words mean should know), it appears that i lack precision as well. yayness. seriously though. my psychomotor skills are so bad that i actually wrote 'disract' instead of 'distract' in my essay because i was thinking about my next sentence instead of focusing on what i was writing. also maybe i was writing too fast to control my 't's. haha.

really have to study now. i'd love to be one of those people who do reasonably well, and have people say of them, 'oh they deserve it'. as much as i'd really hate to be one of those people who do appallingly and have people say of them, 'oh they deserve it'. but i make no vow because i find vows too hard to keep.

bought 2 mooncakes to mail to chris. along with a packet of jasmine tea. they're all prepacked, nicely sealed, etc etc, so they had better let my lovely gift through. if they don't, i shall boycott singpost forevermore and henceforth deliver all my mail on foot. (please let it through.) i would get some for jean too, but i'm not about to spend 10 times as much on postage as i spend on the actual mooncake.

i dreamt of alisa last night. or more accurately, i dreamt that i dreamt of her. and in my dream (the real one), the dream (the one i dreamt) came true. and then i cried and cried (in my dream) because i didn't want it to be true. and then i spent the whole morning and some of the afternoon trying to remember the dream and now i finally remember it and gosh i hate myself why do i have such awful dreams? i am a horrible, horrible person, and i should be stoned to death. maybe i'll tell her about the dream then she can stone me to death. ughhhh.

i'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cruel
10:54 PM ; 0 comments

Monday, September 25, 2006


watched l'enfant. this is one of the few films i've ever watched that has entirely no music. but it was good, in a subtly raw sort of way. it's not a feel-good movie. then again, that's life.

mulan was good, of course. i like the bit when she takes out the sword and cuts her hair off. my favourite part of the score as well. shang (is that how you spell his name?) is okay as a disney hero. but i like mulan for obvious reasons.

and so, i found out. thought it wouldn't bother me. why should it? i expected nothing. still expect nothing. that's the way to face life. no time for regrets. if there's one promise to myself i intend to keep, it's that i must never regret anything again. ever. and so i'm just gonna pick myself up and keep going.

another ditch in the road, you keep moving.. another stop sign, you keep moving on.. and the years go by so fast.. silent fortress built to last..

you're not so good at the picking-yourself-up, i find. knowing what to do isn't hard. the hard bit is doing it.
6:42 PM ; 4 comments

Sunday, September 24, 2006


you know i lie about you, don't you?

then again, maybe you don't. i'll bet you lie about me too.

three cheers for world peace.


angel or siren, what does it matter?
12:38 AM ; 5 comments

Saturday, September 23, 2006
hymne a la beaute

watched to have and have not. made in 1954, i think. strongly disliked the male lead. who did he think he was, above french laws just because he was american? honestly, it's so typical of hollywood. the rest of the world isn't america's backyard, they can't just play in there, mess it up, and return to their own homes. when in rome, do as the romans do. someone should tell them that.

re-discovered hymme a la beaute. i would love to learn french. the syntax is very interesting. romantic? exotic. (and this time i know what a philtre is! haha) i should write something, sometime. it's been a long time. i've been wanting to write about a little boy drowning in a lake, crying out for his dog, while the dog lies at home on his bed, glass eyes staring ahead, unseeing, and its cloth paws remain outstretched on the covers, forever. (except it wouldn't be quite like that. i was never one for plots.) i'm just lazy to write. i'm lazy that way. to structure, to plan, to string words nicely together and pour them out of my mouth (or from my hands) like a pearl necklace with so many flaws. scattering the beads and letting others do what they will with it is so much easier, no? you have no artistry, my dear. i never claimed to have any.

been thinking about certain things more. maybe because someone brought them up. maybe because they never really left my mind. pushed to the back, struggling back to the front, it's all the same - they're always there. the ghost of a perfume lingering long after the bottle's been smashed. oh yes. there are ugly, horrifying ghosts, and there are beautiful, terrifying ghosts.

Hymn to Beauty (a literal translation from the French poem Hymne a la Beaute)

Do you come from the profound heavens or emerge from the abyss
O Beauty? your gaze, infernal and divine,
Mixes in confusion good deeds and bad,
And for that reason you can be compared to wine.
Your eye holds both sunset and dawn;
You spread scents like a stormy evening;
Your kisses are a philtre, and your mouth an amphora
Which makes a hero a coward, and a child courageous.
Do you emerge from the black chasm or come down from the stars?
Charmed Destiny follows your skirt-tails like a dog;
You haphazardly sow joy and disaster,
And you govern all and are responsible for nothing.
You walk upon dead men, Beauty, whom you mock;
Horror is not the least charming of your jewels,
And Murder, among your dearest toys,
Dances lovingly upon your proud belly.
The dazed mayfly flies towards you, candle,
Crackles, catches light, and says: Let us bless this flame!
The panting lover leant over his beauty
Looks like a dead man caressing his tomb.
Whether you come from heaven or from hell, what does it matter,
O Beauty! enormous, terrifying, innocent monster!
If your eye, your smile, your foot, open a door for me
Onto an Infinite which I love and have never known?
From Satan or from God, what does it matter? Angel or Siren,
What does it matter if you render - fairy with velvet eyes,
Rhythm, scent, glow, o my only queen!-
The universe less hideous, and the moments less heavy!

i must really find better ways to fill up my days. i think it was the puritans who said that idle hands invite the devil's work.
8:36 PM ; 0 comments

Friday, September 22, 2006


moon river, wider than a mile,
i'm crossing you in style - someday..
oh, dream-maker, you heart-breaker,
wherever you're going, i'm going your way.
two drifters, off to see the world -
there's such a lot of world to see..
we're after the same rainbow's end..
waiting 'round the bend..
my huckleberry friend..
moon river and me.

audrey hepburn lacks vocal talent and even trained skill, but i'll say that she alone has had the best interpretation of this song.. its bittersweet mix of pain and wistful longing. and now i can never listen to the royal philharmonic orchestra's version, because it's too grand and cheery.

by the way, singapore dreaming was good. the cinematography isn't anything to rave about, but the storytelling is. very nice touch. not as in-your-face as what's-his-name who did i not stupid. more subtle than tearjerking i guess.

ahhh. joan's coming. i can't find all my animated films. must go turn the living rooom upside down. wasabi chips! =D
2:37 PM ; 4 comments

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


watched breakfast at tiffany's. maybe i'm heartless, but i didn't care for any of the characters. still, i thought it was a really good movie that completely deserved its academy award wins for music and 'moon river'. even though audrey hepburn can't sing, she really is fascinatingly thin. her jaw looks uncannily like paris hilton's though. ugh. i guess i got a real kick in the stomach when paul said 'you know what's wrong with you, miss whoever-you-are? you're chicken, you've got no guts. you're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." you call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. well baby, you're already in that cage. you built it yourself. and it's not bounded in the west by tulip, texas, or in the east by somali-land. it's wherever you go. because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.' but of course, just because a poet (or screen writer) said something doesn't mean it's true, just that it sounds good. in any case i loved the ending, in a theatrical sort of, and not in a they-deserve-to-be-together sort of way. it's really quite depressing. besides, the poor cat looked so unhappy, squished between them when they were kissing. that must have been a violation of animal rights or something else against cruelty to animals. *mental note - put pet down before kissing* yep.

am sick. have been sick for a few days. exaceberated it by eating wasabi chips. am very foolish. but then again i drink enough water to singlehandedly keep the water cycle going. watching singapore dreaming with jan tomorrow. my sister said it's depressing; i'll like it - am trying not to read too much into her insinuations in case it depresses me even more. i am not attracted to pain.
11:21 PM ; 0 comments

Sunday, September 17, 2006


watched a very long engagement. couldn't stop crying. and it wasn't just because both mathilde and manech were very pretty. war disgusts me, by the way. the time i had to watch the ns propaganda clip five times over while working at the discovery centre was torture. i keep imagining myself being blown up and lying there on the field bleeding to death while around me comrades fall like flies. which really doesn't make sense since i'll never be sent out to the battlefield (thank goodness, i think impersonal violence is the worst and least forgivable kind of violence) and since i can't be a nurse i won't be around when they bomb the red cross tents and violate about a thirty different human rights regulations. wow. i just realised i'd be really uselesss during a war. maybe i'd fall in love with the enemy sent to plunder my village, and in some desperate attempt to salvage my own self-esteem, i'd kill him, thereby winning the gratitude and admiration of my entire village. okay who am i kidding, i don't even belong to a village. my life is very sad.

okay back to a very long engagement. i thought it was really sweet the way they became friends when they were kids; what with him badgering her and obviously being wildly in love with her despite being shorter than her. i love all these french childhood-romances (think jeux d'enfants). and the way when she's finally tracked him down, the movie closes with the words (if the translation is correct) 'she looked at him... she looked at him... she looked at him...' and all i could think was omg what a perfect way to end. she doesn't fly to him all kissykissy because he would be scared witless (amnesia).. all she does is look at him (admittedly he is a very fine specimen) bent over whatever he's making, re-learning his features, her black eyes shining with tears. it's especially accentuated by the polite distance her chair is kept from his. a little dignity is always appreciated. i think the french put the romance in love. the score's pretty good too. i like the music that plays while they cross the fields that have grown over the trenches. funny, but while i was watching the film, my mind was screaming arghhh love is bloody painful, must never fall in love!! but after that while i was thinking it over, (it started getting so convoluted that i fell asleep for hours), the romance got to me and i thought, ah maybe it's worth dying a little death for. after the nap though, i changed my mind again. heh.

crap i just realised i'm very good at wasting my time. i haven't started studying for lit, which means i've effectively wasted three days. there goeth my last hope =( oh well, not that i ever had any. can't find the madagascar ost anywhere, i'll probably end up ordering it online. the da vinci code has a pretty good scores too (hans zimmer). of course i didn't watch it - i listened to clips online. i would get that too, except how would i face God in heaven? (piracy can't be a sin in this case, can it? haha) am getting a sorethroat. unsurprising. i'm only surprised i didn't get it earlier.
8:43 PM ; 6 comments

Saturday, September 16, 2006


don't know why in the world i'm so tired. kept falling asleep in the afternoon. finally did fall asleep in the evening while reading about prof. summer's views on good governance in the papers. and yes, i think it's too little too late and it's never a good idea to allow someone to arm-twist you into going back on your word. particularly when you've already been made fun of in uncountable reports, and you're now going to look weak as well as unreasonable to begin with. and yes i think singapore was chosen for the very reason that we are notorious for having a very effective police force and compliant population. if the imf and world bank want so very much to have protestors at their doors, why don't they just listen to them? or maybe they like all the protesting, seeing how it's become quite the tradition, so they refuse to listen to them in order to force them to return meeting after meeting. but i really admire the singaporean woman who's turned her back on our materialism. the more you have, the more you want to have. our ideal level of comfort rises with our pay cheques. unlimited wants, anybody?

have to prepare for tomorrow's ss lesson. review of all the previous memory verses. am very very sleepy. ugh. by the way, the madagascar ost cd cannot be found in hmv.
8:48 PM ; 4 comments

Friday, September 15, 2006
let's see, math.

not only did i crash and burn, i also combusted spontaneously and grew tiny fairy wings. to cut a long story short, i didn't do 64 marks' worth of questions. and that doesn't even count the stuff that i'm going to get wrong. the oddest thing is, i don't really care. it just amuses me a little that i can be so abysmally stupid at math. also, maybe it doesn't affect me because i saw it coming - it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that a person who cannot calculate her own change should not start studying for a math exam the night before the morning paper.

on another note, i watched madagascar again (yes i watched it yesterday) and no, my ears weren't tricking me, it has a very nice score. hans zimmer. unsurprising. hunting for the tracks now heh.

and don't eat the cheddar beer flavour of kettle chips. i like cheddar, but i don't like beer, so i have no idea why i bought that. in any case it was pretty unappealing, but i made myself finish the whole bag the other day since i forked out so much money for it. i guess it doesn't really make sense. i eat everything i buy because i don't want to feel like i'm throwing away money.. and then when i'm fifty i'll probably have to go fork out even more money to have some operation to tie a rubber band around my stomach because i'll be disgustingly, dangerously obese.
2:59 PM ; 3 comments

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


so i was looking for my stats notes (lost the drv and crv ones, oh dear.) and talking to some people about what sorts of animals they'd like to be. i notice most people like happy, free, gentle animals. i used to, too. back in secondary school, i always wanted to be a horse or a dolphin or an eagle. okay eagles are not gentle. but they are graceful. but now i want to be a wolf. to be strong and powerful, elegance and grace in every controlled step, determination and single-mindedness, predator and not prey. loyal to the pack but only the pack. howling to the moon. snapping and biting and growling. adorable wolf pups that grow up to hunt. but mainly, their strength attracts me. not just their obvious physical strength; the power of their limbs and jaws; but also the strength that they represent. untouchable, destructive and aloof. devil-may-care. i'd love to be a wolf. (oh, grandma, how big your teeth are!)

am now having an identity crisis because i would really much rather be a wolf and isn't that frightening? why can't i want to be something nice and safe like a dove?
11:57 PM ; 3 comments




there's just one phrase stuck in my head. a phrase i didn't even use today. 'master narrative'. omnious, significant, ironic, or just plain stupid?

it's plain to see that things are over, and i hate when things are over and so much is left undone. -- breakfast at tiffany's, deep blue something.

my father wants a big dog too. =D my mother still gets all happy when she sees the picture of my corgi puppy though. last night i dreamt that someone gave me a really chubby golden retriever puppy.. it was so fat it had a round face. and i was carrying it in my arms and it was all furry and warm and adorable. i am not usually the sort of person who cuddles, so i felt a bit unnerved when i woke up. pretty much an instantaneous blooming of maternal instincts hahaha. maybe a yellow lab might be nice. i could call it caramel. or honey. whenever i go to school past nine, i see these two maids gathered at the (closed) gate, with a pair of half-grown golden retrievers and a schnauzer. it's easy to see why golden retrievers are so popular. they're furry and have huge, adorable, intelligent eyes.

trying to figure out what isn't coming out for math and econs. obviously i won't be able to finish studying even the little i'm spotting. i'm just trying to avoid getting a single digit for either subject. so many things to do next week! cut hair. shop with nanz for her prom stuff ( i really don't know why she trusts me, i have the weirdest dress sense in the world). finish reading my library books. organise the stacks of papers in my room into something studyable. bathe page. yayness.

i don't know why everyone's so worried that i'll neglect page. are you kidding, jean gave her to me, she's the living breathing link between us. i'll keep her safely on my landing til the day she goes gently into the night. silent night? still night? i forget.

and yargh don't feel like studying. i sound like everyone else now, oh dear. (don't you think this quest for individuality is a little exteme, honey? hmm, not really. if it helps, my intensity in itself separates me from them.) this song is nice. love theme from romeo and juliet. piano version. i like the ornaments. my piano teacher always said i pay the ornaments too much attention, and ignore the main melody. but i think trills and the like are pretty and light and airyfairy. i think the alternative title is 'a time for us'. a time for us, someday there'll be.. yeah who are you kidding? he dies. she dies. maybe they meet in heaven, who knows. illicit love affairs. gah i have no sympathy for star-crossed lovers. but i still like the song.

when i grow up i'm gonna have two dogs and a cat! maybe two children seeing there are so many pets. and if i can afford to have them. or maybe i should get a husband as well, to help with the finances. hmm. dual-income families earn more, per head right?
8:57 PM ; 0 comments

Monday, September 11, 2006
and because boredom kills..

Turn on Windows Media Player/Winamp/whatever you use for MP3s and put it in shuffle mode. For every question, press 'next song'. Enter title to answer the question.

1. How does the world see me? Close My Eyes. uhh evidently i am physically nauseating.
2. Will I have a happy life? My Favourite Game. obsessing over characters / songs makes me happy, yes.
3. What do my friends really think of me? Hard To Say I'm Sorry. okay so i'm a bit proud. and there's no point in apologising to me because i don't know how to accept apologies.
4. Do people secretly lust after me? Let The Fest Of The World Go By. hahaha
5. How can you be happy? I Promise. love, love, love. four letter words.
6. What should I do with my life? La Vie En Rose. hmm it reminds me of jeux d'enfants. love me if you dare.
7. Why must life be so full of pain? All Out Of Love. eh hehehe. i love the song though.
8. Will I ever have children? Gunning Down Romance. oh dear. i do want children eventually. maybe i'll adopt.
9. Will I die happy? Heart Of A Volunteer. war song? really? onward, brave soldier, then!
10. What is some good advice for me? Finale. time to die, babeh.
11. What is happiness? Copacabana. going crazy after the one you love dies heroically for your honour? that you can protect yourself? hmm.
12. What's my favourite fetish? The Dream Within. living in my alternate universes?
13. How will I be remembered? The Fall Of Saigon. really, everything is telling me to run off to a war-torn country and die fighting.
14. What is your love life like? Love Will Find A Way. mmm. really. all the way to draco/remus/diego/current obsession?
15. What's your life motto? Lonely. ah hahaha. 'loneliness is the human condition'.
16. What do your parents think of you? Will I? uhh. on the brink of death and worrying about my dignity. hmm.
17. What's your favorite hobby? Because Of You. angsting about my past? haha.
18. What does your best friend really think of you? When You Say You Love Me. really, jean? haha
19. What's the worst thing about you? Graduation (Friends Forever). angsting about my friends leaving?
20. Describe your mind. What Sarah Said. obsessed with the idea of death and dying?
21. How will you die? Life Support. aids. maybe from stepping on a needle. or blood transfusion. or something noble, hopefully.
22. How does your crush feel about you? Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places. awww. what a pity they're all non-existent.
23. What is your wedding going to be like? Hello Darling. but it's the kenny g version so i'm gonna have saxophones?
24. What about your honeymoon? Imagining. haha clearly i'm gonna be alone on my honeymoon. 'imagining you're right here with me..'
25. Describe the last day of your life. Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now). i won't go without a fight? really?
26. Why does life suck? Spanish Guitar. because the beautiful girl'll always sit there wishing he'd hold her in his arms like that damned spanish guitar.
27. Why does life rule? Pollen And Salt. because you get over heartbreak? and because if you're a musician, you can always sing instead of whining.
28. What will you be famous for? Emotion. wahaha.
29. What's the craziest thing you'll ever do? I'll Say Goodbye For The Two Of Us. leave the one i love? in the dead of the night, before he/she wakes up?
30. Will you achieve your goals? Total Eclipse Of The Heart. only with true loveee. i have too many love songs. heh.
31. What will your future job be like? You Okay Honey? too many soundtrack songs too. hmm. a drummer? or a uni professor. hahaha.
32. And your party life? If You Believe. jim brickman, so i'm guessing zen-ishly new-age.
33. Overall, will you be happy? Gido / Prayer. from autumn in my heart. so i'm guessing not.
34. Or will you just deal with it? Fairy Dance. instrumental from peter pan. clearly i'm an escapist?

i really should go read my lit. or at least something more productive than eating cookies.
11:05 PM ; 4 comments




watched a shitty movie with unbelievably shitty lines. but hey it had some very nice dogs running around, so okay. i think i know why i can't study gothic lit. the cover pages scare me. frankenstein's monster has evil, cunning eyes. jane eyre's all dark and foreboding. hotel de dream is okay i guess, i just need to find it. and so! i'll try to read as much as i can before the exam. maybe i'll even finish one of the books.

just saw an ad for a cruise. it would be lovely if we could take a cruise to nowhere. lean against the balcony, watching the blue-white-blue waves foam beneath us, and the soft morning sky like watered silk. blue-white-blue. seabreeze. (is that the name of a horse?) drifting slowly, nothing before us, nothing behind us. i'm a little scared of deep water. because (of refraction, ah hah i remember) the water always seems so much shallower than it really is. and because sometimes things lurk beneath the surface. and because once i watched someone walk slowly into the night sea, ignoring my screams for her to turn back. see, sister, i don't forget, after all.

my mother said we could get a female labrador, maybe. they're smaller (not by much, but i didn't tell her that). she's really warming to the idea of having a puppy to play with at home, although i'll probably be doing all the dirty work, since i'm somehow always in charge of the pets. maybe because they're usually mine. hmm.

oh and exams were shitty. didn't know the binomial formula was in the booklet and so left the question blank. had no idea how to do a lot of questions. but hey, i expected that. spotted correctly, (thank God!) for econs. unfortunately after the first question i lost interest and muddled through the other two essays. i hope the marker knows what i was trying to say, because i certainly didn't and still don't. oh well, it's only prelims. no biggie.

and hello, there! dreamer of my dreams, thinker of my thoughts, smasher of something glass and oddly-shaped.
8:43 PM ; 2 comments

Sunday, September 10, 2006


i just realised that there is no way i can finish studying for prelims.

i mean, i knew that already. i just didn't know it. for starters, remember those three lit books i never got around to finish reading? well the exam's on wednesday and i'm no closer to finishing them. (my mother grouches, why don't you stop reading all your other books and read your texts?? ahh.) i'm spotting for econs, but i haven't quite finished studying what i'm spotting. unsurprisingly. as for math, woohoo. i might as well bring a jacket into the exam hall and take a three-hour nap.

oh well, enough of self-pity. my ss class said i should be aunty melissa by now (because i always insist on being called jiejie melissa), but i pointed out that i'm not an adult yet, and as such am entitled to my own youth, thank you very much. i think they bully me more now that they know i'm only eighteen =( or maybe i'm just a lot less strict than i was, being so wrapped up with my own minuscule life and all. had to resist the urge to tease one of my kids about his recent haircut - it's hilariously short - on the grounds that i'm still growing out my own hair. heh.

first corinthians chapter thirteen. isn't it funny how you have to remind yourself to love others? how it doesn't come naturally (at least when you're dealing with certain people), and it's certainly not easy. and i always wondered about the phrasing of that verse about how the greatest of these three (faith hope and love) is love. where then, do you put faith and hope, if they are beneath love? of what importance are they? and how do you judge, anyway? how do you measure faith or hope or even love? love has become just another four letter word, hasn't it?

and ling, baby - laugh together, cry together, die together. call me when you finally learn to ride a motorbike. i'll get my own helmet, thanks.
4:31 PM ; 2 comments

Friday, September 08, 2006


bones fascinate me. the way they jut out, winged, beneath gleaming skin. the way they should be covered by lean musculature. dusted with tiny brown hairs. your skeleton. the symbol of death, waiting beneath your living flesh.

you're afraid of death. but then so many people are. i confess to a blase attitude towards death, not just because i think i know what lies beyond - heaven or hell - but because life itself keeps proving its sheer transience. it's beautiful, but so many things are. i think its true beauty lies in its transience. of what earthly worth would be something that's there forever, to be admired and then slowly taken for granted? we all need a little jolt now and then, to stir us from our sleepy contentment and make us cling a little harder to what we view worthwhile. but who's gonna be the sacrificial lamb each time, subjecting itself to the electric chair?

you are beautiful, my friend, but beauty is not everything. neither is the length and tapering musicality of your fingers, the amused quirk of your eyebrows, the slow smile that starts at the corner of your eyes. show me something worth my while, and then maybe i'll bother saying yea or nay.

remember my fictional pet, my pookie? i can't even remember what breed she was now. probably a golden retriever or a labrador retriever. i've always liked big dogs. i think they like me better too. as a friend said today, i'm like the archetyepal old-man-on-the-countryside. i've translated that into meaning that i'm gruff, sour-faced and alone. i'm definitely not the rich-old-lady-on-the-cushions, with her fat, silky persian cats and lace trimmings. i'd probably yell at the dog to stop getting underfoot while i'm trying to cook or clean, or shout at it to fetch the newspaper, or glare balefully at it while i vacuum all the fur it's shed off the carpet. there's tough love and there's harsh, prickly pretend-it's-not-there-love.

i once had a huge toy border collie. it barked if you hugged it hard enough around its tummy. it came up to my knee, sitting up. i took it everywhere with me, on overseas trips and cruises. it slept beside me beneath the stars, with the sound of the waves in our ears, wrapped in my bony twelve-year-old arms. when my maid of ten years went back, she asked if she could take it with her. so now i hug eeyore instead. it's got a dent in its tummy from too much squeezing. but still i miss my doggie sometimes, with its rough black-and-white fur and smooth nose and soft pink tongue. its mechanical bark and glass eyes. and the dreams i had of it chasing sheep across a lush green field. of course, being me, i was quite rough with it. i think i manhandled it quite a lot, because over time the bark became harder to produce.

there was that cat last year at chris' place. i can't remember its name, but i remember its grace and self-assurance and the way it visited three times when i was there. it let me pet it, but it put my wrist between its jaws - i never figured out why animals do that to me. they don't bite down, they just slip my wrist into their mouths and hold it there until i pry their jaws open and pull away. small dogs, big dogs, cats.. maybe the blood pulsing at my wrist screams 'bite me!', i don't know. but to do them credit, none of them have ever bitten down.. yet. wait til i accidentally walk my wrist into an alsatian's mouth. wow, that'll be the day.
10:19 PM ; 5 comments

Thursday, September 07, 2006


i've a new longlist!

1. labrador retriever - because it's big, intelligent, friendly and easy to train.
2. samoyed - because it's pretty big, very pretty, intelligent (but possibly too willful to train well) and affectionate. (please like me the best..)
3. japanese spitz - smaller version of the samoyed, easier to train, more playful. but too small, maybe?
4. shiba inu - looks like a fox (i like), intelligent, clean, trainable.. but independent. which could be good, actually.
5. pembroke welsh corgi - protective, devoted, favourite breed of queen elizabeth II (random trivia, though). but it's too short and i don't like dogs nipping at my heels.

okay this is why i can never finish studying anything ever. too much brainspace taken up by dreams of dogs that i've wanted ever since i could remember. funny how parents always get these little pets for their children when they want dogs or cats. first they got us terapins, then someone gave us birds, then hamsters.. and now we've finally convinced them to just get the dog. i think they're mellowing. either that or old age really is a scary lonely time, in which case i'd better marry someone just in case, in addition to the nice big dog i plan to have.

11:54 PM ; 0 comments




did nothing all day but read midnight's children while eating. the two are probably linked by the unfortunate force of habit. food is just a lot less appealing when my mind isn't already engaged. today's unproductiveness proves that i should never, ever stay at home when i should be studying. but i figured after yesterday's flare-scare that i'd better take things easy. except maybe not this easy? i don't know. i don't really want to be bothered with it. i'll just do what i can, if i feel like it, and see what happens. there are two mantras to choose between: 'God helps those who help themselves', and 'let go and let God'. i get the feeling the former applies in this particular situation so hey, i'll study tomorrow.

my mother came into my room, looked at my calendar and fell in love with september's model. admittedly it's a very adorable pembroke welsh corgi puppy that i also found myself squealing over this morning. now she really wants a corgi. because they're short-legged (like us) and smaller than all the dogs i want. even though i told her that they're herding dogs that tend to try to herd people too. and even though june (a yellow lab) was really cute. but maybe if we save on pet food (page eats minimally and smaller dogs eat less), we'll be able to get a new car when it's time to scrap this old one. hmm. looking at corgi websites, haha. shall tell my sister when she gets home. and a height of 30cm is very short! maybe i'll get the big dog i've always wanted when i move out, and let my mother have the corgi as her baby.
9:37 PM ; 0 comments

Tuesday, September 05, 2006
megara!

i watch wayyy too much tv for someone whose prelims are in less than a week. but hey! i think i like megara quite a lot. besides being feisty, independent and rather smart-talking, she's also incredibly sexy. sexiness, in my opinion, isn't just about what you've got; it's about how comfortable you are in your own skin. and yes i know she's just a 2-d drawing. i really liked it when she pretty much told hercules to bugger off when he tried to save her, and when she said, 'are you always this articulate?' in response to his stuttering. but i was a bit annoyed that she fell in love with him so quickly (what happened to being disillusioned with men?? okay so it's a kiddie show that lasts slightly more than an hour) and when there's really nothing to him except egoistic ambition and too much brawn. i prefered the younger hercules - before he went on what appears to be either very high quality protein powder or steroids. and not because he was clumsy, sad (as in, loser) and unwanted. he was a lot more aesthetically pleasing than mr muscles. and why, why, why must people keep offering their lives to hades in exchange for their love's?? all that's gonna happen (as evidenced by meg's first love) is that the guy's going to run off with some other girl instead of showing gratitude (or mourning for a hundred years, which is a waste of a life if you ask me). of course hercules was lucky, but that's because it's a kiddie show. people must stop coming back from the dead, it's very anti-climatic. i mean, sure, you've got the ultimate pick-up line if you reappear dramatically from the dead, but it's getting to be such a cliche. it makes more sense for people to stay dead - that way you can mourn them properly and melodramatically, instead of screaming 'ghost!' at your one true love. gosh i wanna be meg! and have the chance to say, oh so sardonically, 'are you always this articulate?' tweehee.

consultation tomorrow. i should probably read up my stuff tonight. and math, oh my math. i am kissing an f hello. (here's another line i like, it's the title of a song from out of africa - 'i'm better at hello' - but it's wildly untrue. unless, of course, it is taken to mean that i'm not good at goodbyes, in which case it's wildly true. wow. i am good at nothing.) and why, why, why does everyone complain that i am random? i am not. everything links up (somehow), just maybe not in your less tangled minds.

too many people have that annoying green turtle on their msn nicks. the irwin guy didn't hunt turtles, my dears. if you can't get a croc icon, don't put anything at all! although i imagine some idiot tried to type 'et tu, brutus!' and ended up with 'et *turtle* brutus!' hahaha. 'tu' means 'you', doesn't it? in any case the turtle looks more like a tortoise. but maybe having 'to' for a keyword would be far too confusing. at any rate, i will roll over laughing if it turns out to be a hoax. not because i'm cruel, but because i'm.. yeah a bit cruel. sympathy, like all other things of beauty, is too costly to be taken seriously. online, anyway.

i realised i've forgotten all my chem. i was watching jan draw very complicated symbols across a page, and realised with a pang that although i recognise them as the symbols i've seen all my life, i don't know what they mean anymore. and i'm just a little sad. chem was the first to go, then physics (when people talk about forces i get this panic attack trying to remember what it all means), and now bio is fading too. two years. i always loved bio the best. remember bioinformatics? the junior biohackathon where we frustrated the speakers by asking ethical questions when they were hoping for technical (and hence, easier) questions? memorising the names of various bacteria and and fungi and what-have-you. all i remember now is smth-smth-bacillus. and a lacto-smth-smth-smth somewhere. and a smth-smth-bulgaricus? and it never even came out for o's. heh. life.

and after this, what?
9:11 PM ; 3 comments

Monday, September 04, 2006


jean just called. i was thinking of her just now, and how maybe i should call except it might be too early for her.. and then she called. continents apart, the sun shining in her world and the stars (although it's really just morbid blackness) in mine.. and we still think of each other simultaneously. =) wow this is really the cherry on the top of my day. she's starting school tomorrow - and one of her classes is anthropology, how cool is that?? haha. other than that, they're the usual boring triple sciences and math..

speaking of math, today was not good. could not find any teachers at all to help me. so i gave up and bought this huge compilation of all the jcs' prelim papers from last year.. i'm using the worked solutions provided to try and make sense of the questions. as jean pointed out, it is extremely ineffective, but that can't be helped since i can't get help anywhere. it's too late to get a tutor now, and i can't waste jan's time asking her stupid questions. sigh. it's not like i expect to pass anyway.

the thought is so depressing i think i'll just roll over and go to sleep. and oh! i borrowed hercules! hah! i shall watch it in the morning tomorrow. i like max from the grinch. he's the dog. extremely loyal, slightly dim-witted but oh so adorable and kind. i appreciate intelligence, but sometimes the heart matters more than the brain. think i'll rewatch it now with my equally depressed sister. together we generate enough angst to keep the house running for a week.
9:24 PM ; 3 comments

Sunday, September 03, 2006
playing - love in the first degree. haaa.

was hopping mad when i read the papers this morning. have since calmed down after screeching to about 5 different people about square-brained youth lacking in self-assurance and bold individuality, and with parochial views on style and fashion to boot. (if you are too visually challenged to notice, the three 'coolest' uniforms all vaguely resemble each other in colour combination) in any case, i have since decided that they cannot be blamed for their unfortunate inability to appreciate our uniqueness (and really, it is the most comfortable school uniform i have ever worn, both airy and convenient to change into after pe). the original design of the current uniform included a slightly more fitted cut, which is definitely more flattering than the current straight-cut piece. but having worn both before, i can only say that there is no need to look so picture-perfect everyday anyway; the looser one allows for more movement. in any case, it doesn't matter what other people think (it would be nice to know who, exactly, conducted the survey on whom, indicating their ages and schools) and we have all since agreed that what matters most is that both teacher and student featured (for the first time ever, thank God for mrs seet!) were obviously proud of the uniform. we have a 164-year-old heritage that includes a few decades of polkadots, and we're proud of that. very, very proud. besides, the dots are perfect for teaching younger children their multiplication tables while doing community service at after-school centres, no? and as the girl mentioned, there's this sense of unity when you see someone else wearing the uniform. unlike in jc, where half the schools seem to favour the same colour and cut (khaki, according to the schools, with varying pleats) and you can never tell if the person is from your school until you're close enough to count the pleats, we never faced that problem in st marg's. in fact, i have no qualms even now about walking up to girls wearing the uniform or other identifying clothes and asking them about the school. (sometimes they stare and say, were you a prefect? no, i never was, but thanks for the compliment) my only grouch now is that the school painted some white parts of the buildings pale yellow. it is extremely aesthetically displeasing. most old girls raised a hue and cry, but i suppose the school can't afford to paint it back. and i discovered the other day, when talking to a junior, that she hadn't even noticed it'd been painted over. i can't decide if she's so comfortable in the school that she doesn't notice what's around her, or if she's just plain blind. anyway, here's to all old girls of st marg's! we're proud of our heritage, unique uniform included (what an oxymoron, but hey we achieved it as a whole student body), and other people's opinions (and puzzling references) needn't affect us. (but i still hope they paint it back someday. before the 170th celebrations)

it was missions sunday at my church today. how appropriate. i might say coincidental, but God does not work with coincidences. i'm taking what the organizers say as a further indication of His will - if they're okay with my being j2, i'll go. even if the briefing and planning are in the midst of my a's, literally. a's are just for now. as long as i can get into a relevant course in uni, my raw grades won't matter to me. as long as i can do what i will be called to do. i don't want to be a missionary. are you mad? it's a frightening word. i'm not there. i just want to teach in a developing country, and let God work through me in more subtle ways. if this particular trip doesn't go through, then i'll continue with my prior plans. but, wow, i really want to go. reading through the description/proposal and itinerary was like reading through a written account of one of my dreams. (except the bit where i stare into the starry sky and feel my relative insignificance)

we're reconsidering the labrador. again. because my mother was all, do we really need such a big dog? (yes! i do! i need protection! against what, don't ask) but maybe it's better to adopt from the asd.. if the medical costs aren't too unaffordable. whatever it is, i'm still holding out for scruff, to the dismay of my poor mother, who is convinced that my children will be very unconventionally named.

and i still can't do math. it's very demoralising. brain, brain, wherefore art thou, brain? 'is there a hole in your head? because your brains appear to be leaking out through it'. i love polgara. shall go back to school tomorrow to hunt down my math teacher from last year (minus the customary parang) to beg for help since my teacher won't be back til the exam starts. hooboy.

plus i finally got shoes! hah! albiet two sizes too big. but they're cheap.. see the draw? i put in insoles, and hopefully i won't trip all over myself. what are the chances, i'm the clumsy pelican of the plc. sigh.

i am cow, i am cow, hear me moooooo. (wow i love that song)
7:05 PM ; 7 comments

Saturday, September 02, 2006
and you run 'cos life is too short

my whole family voted against me! they want a chocolate lab, not a black one. my parents claim it might get knocked down at night if it's the colour of midnight. and my sister thinks chocolate's a unique colour. hopefully we can agree on an interesting name. my pets so far have been brat, brat the second and page. oh and random birds in my childhood. all the males were called goldie and all the females were called brownie. my sister's fault. very creative, i know. if it had been up to me, they'd have been called cookie and pookie instead.

can't decide if i want to go on an overseas cip trip. i mean i always figured at least one into my post-a's plans, but i meant next year.. i wanted to spend my nov and dec with the dog. but of course Jesus wouldn't let something like a pet get between Him and service. i guess, God willing (my parents definitely are), i'll sign up when school reopens. and if the dog forgets about me while i'm gone.. hey at least it'll love my sister better. and then she'll be happy. and i'll get depressed and get a cat to drive my mother crazy.

midnight's children is interesting. now i've got too many books lying around on the floor and i tread all over them whenever i get out of bed. heh.
1:38 PM ; 6 comments

Friday, September 01, 2006
holes

i feel a flare coming on, and it's scaring me. i cannot, cannot, cannot suffer from a flare now! not any time between now and nov 26. please, God, please. i'm scared i'll lose it during a flare and kill myself afterall. i'm scared the pain will overwhelm me again and this time a knife will be nearby. i'm scared it'll all be too much and please God don't let it be too much, don't let it come near me again. how many times can a person endure being attacked by her own body, her own nervous system, every muscle and tissue and vein throbbing and burning? i don't think i want to find out. please, God, please. not now, not today, not this year. i feel it coming on. the migraines, the backaches, the random pains. maybe it's time to get back on medication. (but i'm still scared. please, God, please.)

bought some snackpacks of m&ms to give my ss kids on sunday, as a thank-you for their wonderful (to me) performance last sunday.

my parents think chocolate labrador retrievers look nicer than black. evidently they have been emulating our very good example, and checked up dogs. except my sister and i have been doing it our whole lives. we used to pore over the 'h' and 'd' books of the encyclopedia, discussing which were our favourite horses and dogs. now we've become more high-tech. haha. anyway, my mother, being my mother, wants a chocolate lab called chocolate. is it any wonder now that i have such a boring, common and meaningless name? for goodness' sake, my christian name means honeybee! except for the slight accuracy in that i tend to sting people in self-defence, it is quite possibly the worst name she could have chosen for me. she doesn't like the idea of a black lab called scruff. i also offered fudge, but she didn't like it. i tried it out in my head, shouting 'chocolate, heel!' mentally at a chocolate lab, but it doesn't have the same ring as 'scruff, heel, you sunovabitch!' (which is, admittedly, nothing less than accurate. but my mother will threaten to give away the love of my life if i call it a son of a bitch, however accurate that would be.) it'll have to be a male because we can't afford to let a female dog bleed all over the carpet in the living room. it's a very thick, very old carpet whose origins nobody remembers. i would suggest getting rid of it, but i hate the tiles downstairs.

okay okay so i talk too much about my future dog, but what do you want me to talk about? what i didn't study today? how i really have to buy a pair of shoes because my sister's going to need hers back? or maybe how i can't decide which version of angels and devils i like better, the piano or the guitar/drums one. hmm.

toblerone!! i love how they look like the swiss alps hahaha. okay. i'm going to suggest calling the dog toblerone when my mother comes home.

fly high my baby bird, my angel, my only.
9:43 PM ; 0 comments