Friday, September 01, 2006
holes

i feel a flare coming on, and it's scaring me. i cannot, cannot, cannot suffer from a flare now! not any time between now and nov 26. please, God, please. i'm scared i'll lose it during a flare and kill myself afterall. i'm scared the pain will overwhelm me again and this time a knife will be nearby. i'm scared it'll all be too much and please God don't let it be too much, don't let it come near me again. how many times can a person endure being attacked by her own body, her own nervous system, every muscle and tissue and vein throbbing and burning? i don't think i want to find out. please, God, please. not now, not today, not this year. i feel it coming on. the migraines, the backaches, the random pains. maybe it's time to get back on medication. (but i'm still scared. please, God, please.)

bought some snackpacks of m&ms to give my ss kids on sunday, as a thank-you for their wonderful (to me) performance last sunday.

my parents think chocolate labrador retrievers look nicer than black. evidently they have been emulating our very good example, and checked up dogs. except my sister and i have been doing it our whole lives. we used to pore over the 'h' and 'd' books of the encyclopedia, discussing which were our favourite horses and dogs. now we've become more high-tech. haha. anyway, my mother, being my mother, wants a chocolate lab called chocolate. is it any wonder now that i have such a boring, common and meaningless name? for goodness' sake, my christian name means honeybee! except for the slight accuracy in that i tend to sting people in self-defence, it is quite possibly the worst name she could have chosen for me. she doesn't like the idea of a black lab called scruff. i also offered fudge, but she didn't like it. i tried it out in my head, shouting 'chocolate, heel!' mentally at a chocolate lab, but it doesn't have the same ring as 'scruff, heel, you sunovabitch!' (which is, admittedly, nothing less than accurate. but my mother will threaten to give away the love of my life if i call it a son of a bitch, however accurate that would be.) it'll have to be a male because we can't afford to let a female dog bleed all over the carpet in the living room. it's a very thick, very old carpet whose origins nobody remembers. i would suggest getting rid of it, but i hate the tiles downstairs.

okay okay so i talk too much about my future dog, but what do you want me to talk about? what i didn't study today? how i really have to buy a pair of shoes because my sister's going to need hers back? or maybe how i can't decide which version of angels and devils i like better, the piano or the guitar/drums one. hmm.

toblerone!! i love how they look like the swiss alps hahaha. okay. i'm going to suggest calling the dog toblerone when my mother comes home.

fly high my baby bird, my angel, my only.
9:43 PM ; 0 comments