Thursday, October 26, 2006


it's struck me again how very public these public blogs are. and because i am an insensitive, callous and politcally incorrect writer, i don't think i'll be using this blog very often in the near future.

the rotary club person emailed back - they've okayed me. so i'm going to thailand in december. i don't think my sister's gonna be too happy about that. maybe i should just let her get the dog before i go.. even though it'll always love her best after that =( i'm so selfish, i just want it to love me. (and pathetic too) i'm not so good at the sharing bit. maybe this is where i learn. heh i don't know, we have to discuss it.

have decided to take things easy in case my condition flares up again. God helps those who help themselves right? so i do my math everyday (okay, every school day) and read the newspapers. i rationalize that the latter helps with gp and econs, no? i'll start lit after the econs papers are over.

i keep dreaming about the day when everything ends.
9:50 PM ; 0 comments

Monday, October 16, 2006


the christmas song from the grinch is stuck in my head. was watching it this afternoon. max is utterly adorable, not least because he can balance on his hind legs better than i can. =D

it's jean's birthday today. she should have gotten up by now. never thought i wouldn't get to celebrate her eighteenth birthday with her. but life's like that huh. it throws you a curveball, you dodge, get a blood rush, faint, and realise the world's been taken over by aliens when you come back to reasonable life. i'll probably spend the first six months of next year finishing the huge cross stitch set i meant to give her for her eighteenth birthday. didn't expect this year to be so busy. not that it has been, really, but i thought i'd have more time to laze around painting my toenails.

oh and to siti and ally - i just realised i'm over that inexplicable itch to say something i don't really mean. yeah. luckily that passed. =D am terribly happy now that there's nothing weighing on my mind.
7:52 PM ; 6 comments

Saturday, October 14, 2006


do you ever get tempted to do or say something incredibly stupid, even though you know it'll fold itself into a huge mess and you'll regret it for ever and a day? i have no idea why i have no self-control. the worst part is knowing that it's incredibly stupid and suicidal and knowing that maybe that's its entire charm. oh dear, i am self-destructive after all. i don't even know why i want to say it so much - it's entirely the sort of thing other, saner, people try to keep to themselves. i'm an abject failure at keeping my own secrets. and i already know how it's going to end anyway - miserably and embarrassingly. gahhh. i don't even want it, per se. i just want the thrill of saying it, and watching her reaction, and having that overwhelming flurry of confusion and tension - it's always about the tension - and yes, i think i'm just a little bored, trying to stir up a storm where everyone else wants pleasant seas.

i'm just asking to be punched, aren't i? but somehow a punch might be more welcome than this interminable silence, this wishywashy stepping around issues that i'm not even sure have boundaries anymore. at least when you hit me, i know that you know i'm here.

i walk on eggshells around you because i actually care (for once) about not hurting you. or upsetting you in any way. and it's incredibly exhausting, except i can't seem to help it; it's both instinctive and reflexive. at least the fireworks are worth it - almost.

watching ants crawl in and out of the container of poisoned ant bait. i know i sound violent. imagine them passing each other, gleefully crying, 'this'll last us all year! won't the queen be pleased?' and in a few days, the queen ant will come down with a tummy ache that no ant physician will be able to cure.. and they'll continue marching in and out of the trap in their meandering paths that seem straight to them, until they fall dead one by one, clutching their little anty abdomens. and in the morning i'll get up and sweep their tiny corpses away.

what the hell is wrong with me?
10:23 PM ; 5 comments

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


the haze is really affecting me adversely. migraines, dry eyes and throat, the whole works. i feel a flare is imminent. damn. knew my good health wouldn't last. i'm back on painkillers. but now i feel all nauseous (from drinking too much water - but if i don't, the thirst gets really uncomfortable) and fatigued.

chris got my parcel. am incredibly happy =D sent off a letter/card thingy to jean yesterday (and oh gosh joan and i made a horribly embarrassing mistake ughh), it won't reach her in time for her birthday (because i forgot how long it would take) but oh well.

looking at babies on the bus always makes me want to have one of my own. it's almost impossible to looking at a sleeping or non-crying baby without a little smile twitching at the corners of your lips. it really is. i've noticed the same soft, unguarded and tender expression on loads of girls' faces when they gaze at babies. i'll probably adopt one in my late twenties, if i'm financially capable of supporting myself, my cat and dog and a kid as well. or maybe i should be one of those foster parents - but then they only want married couples huh. it'd be considered a dysfunctional family otherwise, no matter how capable and loving the single parent is.

getting your drift isn't difficult, sirius.. it's really more of a projection than a drift. i like that line - it comes from one of my favourite remus/sirius fanfics =D yes i spend too much time online reading fics. but what does anything matter anymore?
10:57 PM ; 0 comments

Friday, October 06, 2006
on slashfics

i like it better when they die. or at least, when one of them dies. when it ends perfectly, a kiss and a promise, unbroken even by the fall of death. with life, there are always chances for mistakes, for hurt, for regrets. with life, you can never be sure. death has a beautiful finality to it, a bittersweetness, a sense of pathos. i like the idea of a lingering love - i'm just afraid that life will prove me wrong, so i'd rather death steal one of them away and leave the other with an aching empty fullness. i'd rather have my heart break just once, sharply, for all eternity, than have it be crushed beneath someone's callous heel, pounded into powder, shard by painful shard, all life long.

and i was always one for dark chocolate.
11:21 PM ; 2 comments

Thursday, October 05, 2006


it's funny the things we remember after a couple of years. namely, mr ng telling us about boiling his ruler during his pract exam, and mrs seet saying that we should cry if anyone says to us, 'i loved you'. mrs seet yanking chris and me to pose near the stars for publicity photos while we were trying to study in the canteen. i remember whispering to chris that i wanted one of my own. i got it in the end, but i'll bet the snails are trailing their slime all over it now.

received a card in the mail from ally. it really made my day even though i got poked awake sometime in the afternoon by my curious mother to read it. (is your love language that of giving, ally?)

the pearl harbour soundtrack is so tragic. i would never watch the movie if it weren't for that scene where he takes her flying through the sunset (the score is 'tennessee'). i must be the only person who tears when no one's dying and really, all you can see is the admittedly beautiful sunset. i blame it on the score.
10:42 PM ; 3 comments

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


jan just reminded me that maf's on sat. except i won't be going this year, not just because i loathe crowds and noise and heat and everything else that induces claustrophobia, but because this time last year there were four of us there, and this year there won't be more than three. and i still can't deal with that.

i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. it's almost 11am for jean, who should be in school right now, and 1am (tomorrow) for chris, who should be sleeping. and, well, it's creeping closer to the witching hour over here.

i don't think i used to be scared of growing up. but now i am, a little. it's a little scary, isn't it? people leaving, people getting attached, people changing. things changing. what if i don't like the person i will become? what if i hate my job and resent paying taxes? what if people judge me based on my scraped knees and rusty bicycle? what if i actually care? what if my entire life seems to stretch in front of me like an endless winding road? with no little shelters to rest at. just an interminable path leading to God-knows-where, literally. what if i tire? what if i run out of dreams? what if my dreams run out on me? what if i stop believing?

self-doubt never got anyone anywhere. i guess there's nothing to do but somehow push myself through this foggy month and make it to december. get a dog. fly off to thailand to teach english and thatch roofs and gather food in forests. come back for christmas dazed and disillusioned again with commercialism and consumerism. love my dog and keep it from killing my hamster. find a job. wait for chris to come back to this continent. go on other trips, and make up my mind about my life. yeah that's about as much as i can handle for the next year.

cheesy song of the day: the final countdown. and i actually like it.
10:54 PM ; 0 comments

Sunday, October 01, 2006


i'll always be waiting for something that's never going to happen.

that's what i said in sec2. guess what? it's still relevant. but when i think back to the issue then, i realise that it could have happened, except i stopped wanting and waiting for it to happen. new concerns, yes?

my parents had a minor fit over the electricity and water bill. i'm probably most to blame since i bathe the most and drink the most water. my mother bought me a standing fan (mine got donated to the maid years ago) so i don't have to keep the air-con turned on all the time. except it's still so hot i keep bathing, which kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it? i'm very probably the stereotypical spoilt younger kid. had better stop spending so much on food or we might not be able to afford a dog.
10:10 PM ; 4 comments