Saturday, October 14, 2006


do you ever get tempted to do or say something incredibly stupid, even though you know it'll fold itself into a huge mess and you'll regret it for ever and a day? i have no idea why i have no self-control. the worst part is knowing that it's incredibly stupid and suicidal and knowing that maybe that's its entire charm. oh dear, i am self-destructive after all. i don't even know why i want to say it so much - it's entirely the sort of thing other, saner, people try to keep to themselves. i'm an abject failure at keeping my own secrets. and i already know how it's going to end anyway - miserably and embarrassingly. gahhh. i don't even want it, per se. i just want the thrill of saying it, and watching her reaction, and having that overwhelming flurry of confusion and tension - it's always about the tension - and yes, i think i'm just a little bored, trying to stir up a storm where everyone else wants pleasant seas.

i'm just asking to be punched, aren't i? but somehow a punch might be more welcome than this interminable silence, this wishywashy stepping around issues that i'm not even sure have boundaries anymore. at least when you hit me, i know that you know i'm here.

i walk on eggshells around you because i actually care (for once) about not hurting you. or upsetting you in any way. and it's incredibly exhausting, except i can't seem to help it; it's both instinctive and reflexive. at least the fireworks are worth it - almost.

watching ants crawl in and out of the container of poisoned ant bait. i know i sound violent. imagine them passing each other, gleefully crying, 'this'll last us all year! won't the queen be pleased?' and in a few days, the queen ant will come down with a tummy ache that no ant physician will be able to cure.. and they'll continue marching in and out of the trap in their meandering paths that seem straight to them, until they fall dead one by one, clutching their little anty abdomens. and in the morning i'll get up and sweep their tiny corpses away.

what the hell is wrong with me?
10:23 PM ; 5 comments