Wednesday, October 04, 2006


jan just reminded me that maf's on sat. except i won't be going this year, not just because i loathe crowds and noise and heat and everything else that induces claustrophobia, but because this time last year there were four of us there, and this year there won't be more than three. and i still can't deal with that.

i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. it's almost 11am for jean, who should be in school right now, and 1am (tomorrow) for chris, who should be sleeping. and, well, it's creeping closer to the witching hour over here.

i don't think i used to be scared of growing up. but now i am, a little. it's a little scary, isn't it? people leaving, people getting attached, people changing. things changing. what if i don't like the person i will become? what if i hate my job and resent paying taxes? what if people judge me based on my scraped knees and rusty bicycle? what if i actually care? what if my entire life seems to stretch in front of me like an endless winding road? with no little shelters to rest at. just an interminable path leading to God-knows-where, literally. what if i tire? what if i run out of dreams? what if my dreams run out on me? what if i stop believing?

self-doubt never got anyone anywhere. i guess there's nothing to do but somehow push myself through this foggy month and make it to december. get a dog. fly off to thailand to teach english and thatch roofs and gather food in forests. come back for christmas dazed and disillusioned again with commercialism and consumerism. love my dog and keep it from killing my hamster. find a job. wait for chris to come back to this continent. go on other trips, and make up my mind about my life. yeah that's about as much as i can handle for the next year.

cheesy song of the day: the final countdown. and i actually like it.
10:54 PM ; 0 comments