Thursday, November 30, 2006


okay, just a quick update - i've got a job for next year til june. never really thought i'd be the sort to need stable employment (and income) since i never thought of myself as a structured person, but the past week has shown that stressing over where my next paycheque's coming from can induce severe insomnia and lead to obsessing over finding employment. anyway, i found a job so everyone can stop avoiding neurotic me now. except i doubt i'll be seeing people much, what with the dog and a job that takes me 1 1/2 hours to travel each way. it's a teaching job, but that's as much as i'll say. prod me for more details when you next see me.

anyway, about the dog. we went down to the spca, fell in love with this sweet little mongrel, and if my sister likes her, we'll bring her home tomorrow. which gives me two weeks to toilet train her and get her settled in before i leave for chiangmai. she's rather shy, and very unaggressive (which is why my mother likes her) so i just hope the neighbours' dogs will be nice to her. otherwise i'll kick them and start a dog/human fight. i foresee next year being very busy and tiring, what with spending so much time on the bus, teaching, preparing lessons (eh i got assigned k2 for sunday school next year), marking, walking and bathing my dog, training it and all. then again with so many people gone, it's probably better that my days are filled to the brim. people like me should never have time to sit and think. we get pretty self-destructive.

downside to all this - i'm allergic to fur, so i have to get some medication soon, and now i have to go clothes-shopping because i have nothing suitable for working. most of my better (ie not crummy or polo tees) shirts only match jeans, and i only have two wearable skirts. and i just broke a heel. i hate clothes shopping. i'd rather choose stuff for people to wear. trying on clothes is so depressing. maybe i'll just get five outfits, then everyone can tell the day by what i'm wearing.
10:58 PM ; 0 comments

Saturday, November 18, 2006


as a prelude to the incoherence that will probably begin forthwith, i should explain that i fell asleep after reading my gothic notes, had awful, awful and vivid dreams pertaining to gothic themes and conventions (i could go into that but my mother told me not to be so macabre and ghastly and so effectively downplayed the importance of my dreams =( people should be allowed to discuss their dreams, instead of having them surpressed!), then woke up with an awful headache (it felt like what people who get hung-over tell me hang-overs feel like, but i swear i haven't had any alcohol in months) and then realised that i'm having a crisis because i don't know if souls are gender specific.

as in, would we still be the same people with the same souls, if we were guys? i'm trying to imagine and it's giving me a huge headache, not to mention a crisis of self. why do we talk about characters as if they do not belong to bodies (minus fictional characters who are inextricably connected to their bodies for the sheer reason of creation)? if it is the character alone that we are concerned with, why is the gender important? or the physical body. except in literature, because of the writer's impression, creation, the need for the physical to mirror the abstract, etc etc. but in real life. does it matter? would it matter? as a christian of course i believe that our souls belong to our specific body since it's all be pre-destined (God tells jeremiah the prophet that he knew him even in his mother's womb etc etc and we always assume that applies to us. i think it does. i shall check. but later.) but theorectically speaking, does the chosen gender have any impact on whom we eventually become?

(and i just watched anna and the king - louis becomes draco malfoy in later years! well, the actor grows up and plays him anyway. it's so adorable, you can just see draco's smirk waiting in his chubby face)
7:02 PM ; 0 comments

Sunday, November 12, 2006


today's an antsy (not angsty, mind you!) day. one of those days where you just itch to go out, be out, do something wild and not give a damn about the consequences. a day where you play the piano too fast and too loud because your fingers are moving faster than your mind. i know i should study for econs - i've got 2 more days, and i've barely studied since the a's started (and not much before that because naturally i give myself more credit than i deserve regarding future discipline) - but somehow i just can't do it.

people give me funny looks when i say i want to go to nus, arts. well, i wouldn't say i want to, but that's my only option? yeah, everyone there's going to be all 'cooler-than-thou', but honestly i'd have to have terrible self-esteem to take them seriously. it's supposedly a dumping ground and all that, but where else am i to go? if i can't even get into fass, then - well. i'll go sell ice cream somewhere.

i dreamt of potato chips last night. 12 jumbo packets, all different flavours, in a huge pack. gourmet, too. but between results and chips, i'd rather dream of chips. i don't even want to dream of people anymore. it's too heartwrenching to wake up and re-realise that half my friends are overseas.
2:42 PM ; 11 comments

Saturday, November 04, 2006


lots of dogs on sale nowadays. i read the classified ads everyday just to see what's out there. my sister and mother want a beagle. i don't know what's with them and small dogs. i'm quite sure my father will side with me for a bigger one. saw a notice outside the pet shop downstairs.. a female lab cross, over a year old. described rather well by the previous owner. 2/3 the size of a normal labrador. but i'm afraid that it'll always be thinking of its previous owner. (yes i have issues, but i'll sort them out when i have to) besides, it's so pretty and sweet, i'm sure someone else will take her before my a's are over and i can officially go dog-hunting.

the day after my a's end, bev leaves. wonderful. she's the reason i don't want to reach the 24th. i don't quite care about the papers themselves. i mean, what will be will be. it's not like i have some big goal in life, it's not like i'm even smart. i've got this theory that people only care about their grades when they know they can do well. my sister studied for a's because she's a perfectionist. and she knew she could ace it. i'll leave the doing well to those with the smarts; i'll just focus on not killing myself.

i don't know what's wrong with me, but i haven't seen everyone in so long, i'm scared i'll start bawling when i see them. what are we gonna do all night? it's been so long.. we should never have to split. we were supposed to grow old together, right? siti's football team of children, christmases and chinese new years and june holidays together barbequeing. pushing each other into the pool. rubbing each others' arthritic backs. making fondue. kicking guys around. now look where we are. no wonder people hate growing up. sixteen was good. and yes, damnit, it was sweet.
10:25 PM ; 3 comments